The Mistake(61)

“Thanks.” I curl both hands around the cup, the heat of the Styrofoam rippling into my palms. I just hiked across campus in eighty-degree weather, but suddenly I feel cold. Nervous.

An awkward silence stretches between us.

“Grace…” Her throat dips with a visible gulp. “I’m sorry.”

I sigh. “I know.”

A sliver of hope peeks through the cloud of despair in her eyes. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

“No, it means I know you’re sorry.” I pop open the plastic lid and take a sip of the coffee, then make a face. She forgot the sugar. It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, and yet it’s simply another sign that my best friend is attuned to nothing about me. Not my feelings, not even my coffee preferences.

I grab two sugar packets from the little plastic tray, tear them open, and dump their contents into the cup. As I use the skinny wooden stick to stir the hot liquid, I watch Ramona’s expression change from slightly hopeful to decidedly upset.

“I’m a shitty friend,” she whispers.

I offer no argument.

“I shouldn’t have sent him that message. I don’t even know why I did—” She stops abruptly, shame reddening her cheeks. “No, I do know why. Because I’m a jealous, insecure bitch.”

Again, no argument there.

“You really don’t get it, do you?” she blurts out when I remain silent. “Everything comes so easy for you. You get straight A’s without even trying, you land the hottest guy on campus without—”

“Easy?” I interrupt, an edge to my voice. “Yeah, I have the grades, but that’s because I study my ass off. And guys? Remember high school, Ramona? It’s not like I had a booming social calendar back then. Or now, for that matter.”

“Because you’re as insecure as I am. You let your nerves get the best of you, but even when you’re all nervous and babbly, people still like you. They like you from the moment they meet you. That doesn’t happen to me.” She bites her lower lip. “I have to work so hard for it. The only reason anyone even noticed me in high school was because I was the bad girl. I smoked weed and dressed slutty and guys knew that if they asked me out, they’d make it to at least second base.”

“You didn’t exactly try to discourage that.”

“No. Because I liked the attention.” Her teeth dig harder into her lip. “I didn’t care if it was good attention or bad attention—I just liked being noticed. And that makes me really f*cking pathetic, huh?”

Sorrow climbs up my spine. Or maybe it’s pity. Ramona is the most confident person I’ve ever met, and hearing her rag on herself like this makes me want to cry.

“You’re not pathetic.”

“Well, I’m not a good friend, either,” she says woodenly. “I was so f*cking jealous of you, Grace. I’ve always been the one who goes out with the hotties and asks for your advice, and suddenly you’re talking to me about having sex with John frickin’ Logan, and I was so consumed with jealousy I wanted to scream. And when the Logan thing exploded in your face…” Guilt flashes in her eyes. “It made me feel…relieved. And kind of smug, I guess. And then I got it into my head that if I was the one hooking up with him, there’s no way he would have rejected me, and…yeah, so I messaged him.”

Jesus. That last thing I said about her not being pathetic? Strike that from the record.

“I was stupid and selfish, and I’m so sorry, Gracie.” She implores me with her eyes. “Can you forgive me? Can we please start over?”

I take a long sip of coffee, eyeing her over the rim of my cup. Then I set it down and say, “I can’t do that right now.”

Distress lines her forehead. “Why not?”

“Because I think we need a break. We’ve spent every waking hour together since the first grade, Ramona.” Frustration clenches inside me. “But we’re in university now. We should be branching out and forming connections with new people. And honestly, I can’t do that when you’re around.”

“We can do it together,” she protests.

“No, we can’t. The only friends I made last year were Jess and Maya, and I don’t even like them. I just need space, okay? I’m not saying we’re never going to talk again. You were a huge part of my life for so long, and I don’t know if I want to throw all that away over a stupid text message. But I also can’t go back to the way things used to be.”