The Memory of You (Sanctuary Sound #1)(88)
He sat beside her and blew out a long sigh. “Val wants something from me that she never got. I honestly tried to be happy . . . I thought I loved her enough. Turns out, in marriage, that type of love won’t get you through the low points.” He hung his head for a second, then glanced at her. “John obviously gives her something I never could, and maybe, right now, she needs that more than anything. Maybe she can’t be a good mom until her heart is whole again.”
“You’re being very generous.” Steffi rubbed his shoulder. “Is that guilt talking?”
“Maybe a little.” He grimaced, hoping that opening up to her this way would encourage her to do the same. “I wish Emmy weren’t caught in the middle, and that I knew she’d end up okay.”
“She will.”
He stared at the ground, head involuntarily nodding. “We can’t predict the future, though, can we?”
“I guess not.” She gestured around the room. “I never expected to be here at thirty. Or to get close to you again.”
She body-bumped his side as a shy grin emerged.
“That’s been a lucky surprise.” He took hold of her hand, needing to end the afternoon on a peaceful note for both their sakes.
“One good thing has come out of the past several weeks. More will follow.”
“I admit I’ve enjoyed having Emmy to myself here.” Chagrin forced a wan smile. “It’d be perfect if I hadn’t screwed up her life.”
“Don’t shoulder all the blame for your divorce. Besides, there is a silver lining. This experience will teach Emmy resilience. Few things matter more than that.” Steffi’s gaze softened and fell to the floor. “My mom’s death was mostly awful, but I survived it even when I didn’t think I would. If she’d lived and my life had been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have gone on to be so competitive in sports, gotten a scholarship, or started my own business. Not that I wouldn’t rather she lived, of course. But Emmy will come out stronger, like I did. I know it. She just needs a little time.”
Steffi was strong. Maybe that was why she couldn’t accept the idea of needing help to heal. He thought to raise the issue again but let the moment pass. She insisted she wasn’t hiding anything, which meant she might’ve repressed the worst memories of that night.
Theories were useless and accusations unfair. He needed proof. Proof he still couldn’t get without crossing some legal and ethical lines. “I hope you’re right.”
Steffi snuggled up against his side and laid her head on his shoulder. “Given your impromptu lunch yesterday, are you more or less likely to settle your financial stuff with Val soon?”
“Not sure.” He looked down at her, surprised by the abrupt change in conversation. “Why?”
“I’m closing on the Weber house this week. I hoped maybe you’d given more thought to buying it. I’d love to personalize the design to yours and Emmy’s tastes.”
“I wish.” He held her, enjoying the fantasy of seeing one youthful dream realized. “I’d love it, but it’s not realistic.”
“I know you don’t like to get your hopes up, but too much reality is kind of sad and boring. Dream a little, okay?”
He had no response to that, so he laid his cheek on her head and held her. Had he forgotten how to dream? Was a life without dreams the way he wanted Emmy to see him, or to live?
After a brief silence passed, Steffi sighed in his arms. “I’m sorry today went sideways. I had high hopes of proving that things will be different for us this time, Ryan. Different better.”
“Things are different. We’re older and wiser, if nothing else.” Ryan grinned, then brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. He cupped her jaw and kissed her, careful not to make any sudden moves. If he was right about what had happened to her, it could take a lot of healing before she would be comfortable with sex. He allowed himself to let the kiss linger, their tongues acting out the desire, making his skin prickle with need.
Steffi wound her arm around his neck to pull him close. But he broke the kiss before spooking her again.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, nuzzling his neck.
“Nothing.” He felt trapped. He couldn’t discuss his suspicions, yet he wouldn’t push her sexually and risk triggering another episode.
“Is there some reason you’re taking things so slow?” She licked his neck before nibbling at his ear.
He stifled a satisfied moan and pulled her tight to his chest. “I’m in the middle of a divorce, Steffi. I just want us to get this right. Let’s not jump into bed until we’re both certain. Mutual trust.”
“You still don’t trust me,” she said, pulling away.
“Do you trust me? I’ve spent plenty of time blaming you and Val for things going wrong. But I smothered you when we were together. I didn’t think through my quickie wedding or fully invest in my marriage. I think we both have relationship issues to sort out.”
“I do trust you, though.”
He kissed her lightly, wishing he knew the best way to handle his concerns. “Thanks. But I want things to be ‘different better’ for us now, too, and not just because you’ve changed. I’ve got to change, too.”
She graced him with a smile. “Don’t change too much. You’re pretty perfect, as far as I can see.”