The Memory of You (Sanctuary Sound #1)(71)
“Too many to count, and too long ago to want to consider.” She opened the pizza boxes and popped the tab on her soda. “I’m still trying to process the fact that I’m thirty.”
His eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled. “It’s not so bad. Besides, you look young.”
“Thanks.” She held her soda can as if making a toast. “To old times and new beginnings.”
He tapped his can against hers. “Do you ever attend any football or soccer games?”
“No. I don’t know any of the kids who play now. I’d look like some old, creepy woman coming here alone, wouldn’t I?”
“Not creepy. Maybe pathetic,” he said. “Kidding. I should check out the schedule and bring Emmy to a football game. She’d like the drums and tubas.”
Steffi pictured Emmy decked out in blue and white—the school colors—shaking a pom-pom or cowbell, demanding popcorn, and cheering for the Blue Devils. “That does sound like fun.”
“You could come, too. That way you won’t look pathetic.” He chomped on a slice of pizza.
Even as she batted his knee, heat spread through her chest. The Snoopy dance wouldn’t be out of place after being asked on another date before this one even got started.
They ate a slice in comfortable silence, watching the boys practice footwork and tricks while some girls gathered at the edge of the field to flirt. Those girls all looked the same—long straight hair, ripped jeans, hoodies. Their laughter fanned into the night sky, raining joyful energy over the stadium, bringing back memories of the Lilac Lane League and Benny, Logan, and Ryan.
Ryan kept his gaze on the kids. “It’s funny to think about how life changes—perspective, too. I had some big dreams back then. I’m not where I thought I’d be at this age.”
She turned away from the kids and stared at him, head tipped. He’d accomplished a lot since high school, so she didn’t know why he sounded disappointed. “Where did you think you’d be?”
“Well, I’m not giving David Beckham any competition, am I?” He chuckled. “But seriously, I’d dreamed of a pro career, or at least a coaching gig.”
“I didn’t know that.” A nonsensical part of her felt slighted that he’d had a dream she hadn’t known. “So why’d you go to law school?”
Ryan raised his brows, as if the answer was obvious. “Val got pregnant.”
She shrugged. “Beckham has kids, Ryan. Why couldn’t you do both?”
His incredulous expression suggested he couldn’t believe he had to explain himself to her, of all people. “We were blindsided. Who knew antibiotics could affect the pill’s effectiveness? When she came to me in tears, the sudden responsibility hit me. One minute I’m a carefree college kid and player, the next I’m stepping up to be a husband and father. Pipe dreams don’t buy formula and diapers. I needed to provide a good home for Val and our child. I needed a secure career, and the law appealed to my sense of right and wrong.”
In Steffi’s mind, she’d always envisioned Val gleefully telling Ryan the news. Somehow, she’d needed Val to be a seductress and conniver, trapping Ryan into a life he never wanted. It never crossed her mind that Val had been frightened by her situation. Truthfully, she’d been too busy feeling sorry for herself to stop to consider what Val and Ryan had sacrificed in order to give their child a chance at the white picket fence–style American dream.
“You must have really loved her . . .” Steffi grimaced at the envy in her tone.
Ryan set his crust aside. Another thing she remembered—he never ate the crusts. “I don’t know.”
“I do. You wouldn’t have married her, and she wouldn’t have wanted to keep the baby, if you weren’t in love.”
He shook his head, yet a melancholy smile played on his lips. “It’s not that simple. We were young and clueless. We wanted to do the ‘right’ thing. We had a lot of heat in our relationship, but love? Real love?” He wrinkled his nose in doubt. “I can’t say I loved her the way a man should love his wife. Not with my whole heart and soul.”
“Maybe you’re just jaded now because it didn’t turn out well.”
“No. It was doomed from the start.” He plucked a pepperoni from his slice and popped it in his mouth. “When you suffer a serious heartbreak, it’s tough to really love anyone else with abandon again. A mended heart is fragile, so I think I held back a bit because I was a little afraid of what might happen if it broke again. I never gave my wife my entire heart, and that’s at least part of why we failed.”
He frowned now, seeming lost in his confession.
“I’m sorry.” Steffi stared at her pizza, having lost her appetite. She’d cost Ryan so much. No simple dinner date would get them over the trust hurdle. “I’m truly sorry that what I did closed off a part of your heart, and that the ripple effect caused so much pain to so many. I never meant for that to happen.”
Ryan shrugged. “I got Emmy, and I wouldn’t trade her for any of it. Not even for you, Steffi. So don’t feel sorry for me.”
“I wouldn’t trade her for me, either,” Steffi teased, grateful for a way out of the bottomless pit of that topic. “She’s a great kid. I’m glad to hear that she’s been getting friendlier with Lisa.”