The Memory of You (Sanctuary Sound #1)(28)

“Get out!” Peyton slapped the seat cushion and excitedly stamped her feet on the floor a few times. “Holy crap, Steffi. How’s he look?”

“So good,” she moaned, letting her head fall back. Eyes closed, she pictured him—tie loosened at the end of the workday, briefcase in his left hand, a warm smile for his daughter. “So, so good.”

Peyton’s smile broadcast genuine happiness for the first time all afternoon. For those few seconds, she didn’t look like a woman facing chemo. The sight caused Steffi’s eyes to mist.

“Details,” Peyton demanded.

“He looks exactly how you remember, except somehow more handsome with maturity. Same shortish curls, warm eyes . . . same gentle smile.” Steffi didn’t share that she’d seen it only once so far. “And he’s an amazing father. Steady, calm, fair. I can just see his heart melting and breaking over Emmy all at once.”

“I can’t believe he hired you.” Peyton’s voice trailed off, chasing the distance in her eyes as her mind wandered.

“He didn’t. Mrs. Q. surprised us both.” Steffi grimaced. “I almost think she did it on purpose.”

“She definitely did.” Peyton nodded with a light chuckle. “She loved you. She probably hates Val.”

“Well, I hope she isn’t counting on much. Our initial reunion was a bit ugly.” Steffi winced inwardly at the memory of his bitter words. “But the worst is behind us now, I think.”

“He’s forgiven you, then?” Peyton went fairly still, as if the answer would translate to forgiveness from Claire.

Steffi weighed her words, aiming for that narrow space between realistic expectations and optimism. “I think he’s trying to let go of his grudge, although he outright told me he doesn’t trust me. He probably never will.”

Peyton sighed, accepting the death of her not-so-private wish. “What about you? Any old feelings coming back?”

Steffi nodded. “Regret.”

“I know that one.” Peyton grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to her stomach.

“I know you do.” Steffi leaned forward, determined to give Peyton the same kind of forgiveness she’d like from Ryan. “I was so, so mad at you at first. I mean, I didn’t know why you would do that to Claire when you could have had any guy you wanted. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized you must’ve really been in love, because I know that you love Claire and would never hurt her on a whim, or for an ego trip. The only explanation is overwhelming love. How could I hate you for that? We can’t choose who we love.”

“I thought . . . I thought he was my soul mate.” She choked on those words. “How ridiculous, right? Any guy whose affections turned so suddenly couldn’t be a good guy, let alone a soul mate. But I didn’t know his relationship to Claire that first time we met. We’d talked for thirty minutes and had this incredible spark, and then I got caught up in something bigger than myself—we seemed to connect on this whole other level I’d never known before. I rationalized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, because I didn’t make him any promises or cross any lines until after he’d left Claire.” Peyton sighed. “I still wake up from nightmares about the way she screamed at me the last time I saw her.”

“You need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. For now, you need to stay positive and focus on your treatment and recovery.”

“But I need to make amends. I want to be forgiven before I die.”

“Peyton, don’t talk like you’re doomed. The next six or nine months will be rough, but you’re going to be okay. You have to be.”

“I hope, but if not . . .” Peyton looked right at Steffi. “Can you help me?”

Steffi leaned forward, elbows on her knees, unhappy to be put in this position, but not really seeing any better option. “I don’t know if I can. She doesn’t wish this illness on you, but she still can’t forgive you. She won’t talk about you with me, or anyone else, as far as I know.”

“Maybe Ryan will be an example . . . she always respected him.”

“It’s not really the same situation.” Steffi slouched back in her seat.

“Isn’t it? You shredded him when you shut him out without any explanation. I know he was devastated. Logan was his friend, don’t forget.”

Reminders of her behavior always made Steffi gag a little. She supposed Peyton felt the same way anytime she thought about Claire. Maybe their situations weren’t as different as Steffi would like to believe. “I hate how I handled that.”

“I get that. Trust me.”

Steffi sighed and ran her hands through her hair. “I can’t make any promises, but if I see an opening, I’ll try again.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry to ask, but she’s refused my calls, emails, and even returned a handwritten letter.”

“I know.”

Peyton waved her hands in the air, signaling a change of subject. “Let’s get back to Ryan. What’s your plan to win him back?”

“Who says I’m trying to win him back?” she deflected.

Peyton simply raised one brow. “Everything from the look on your face to the color of your cheeks says so.”

The front door opened before Steffi had to respond. Logan entered carrying multiple takeout bags. “Tapas delivery.”