The Love That Split the World(95)

He strokes the back of my head. “I don’t know.”

Maybe our Closings are happening, but there’s more to it than that. All these things are connected—Grandmother’s stories, her warning, our two worlds, and our missing time. “I’m scared,” I tell Beau, and he kisses me, his way of both comforting me and admitting he feels my fear too.

He lets out a long exhale. “There’s something else.” I pull away from him so I can see his eyes while he tells me. “I don’t know what it means,” he says, shaking his head. “But I saw your family.”

“What? When? They’re not here. They’re—”

“I know.” He nods. “They must’ve been my version. At a gas station, lots of stuff in the backseat, like maybe they were just passing through. Your brother was wearing a St. Paul’s sweatshirt. Think maybe he goes there, or went there, or—I don’t know.”

“I don’t understand—I wasn’t with them?”

He shakes his head again. “Waited until they left, just to make sure you weren’t in the bathroom or something.” I feel nauseous and dizzy again, like my body’s spinning but my brain’s stationary. Beau touches my shoulder to steady me. “Natalie.”

“It’s okay,” I tell myself. It doesn’t feel okay. It feels bad; it feels like the very sort of thing the word bad should be reserved for. “It’s okay. We can figure this out later. We should just get to Matt.” He doesn’t budge until I start staggering to my feet, and then he helps me up and leads me around the house. “Beau?”

He stops in front of the truck.

I force the knot in my throat down. “How’d they look?”

Beau pulls me forward so his lips rest against my forehead. “Happy,” he says. “Your family looked happy.”

I close my eyes tight. “Good.”

We ride together to the hospital, though we don’t know which worlds we’ll be able to find when we get there. I take his hand as we cross the parking lot. “Which world is this?”

He closes his eyes for a second then looks at me. “I can’t tell. It’s getting harder.”

What could that mean? What could it mean that two distinct versions of the same place are no longer so distinct? What could it mean that Beau’s losing hours at a time? What could it mean that in his world, I’m not with my family, but I’m also not with him?

We go inside anyway, and when Rachel, dark hair and puffy eyes, springs toward me in the waiting room, I know which world we’re in.

I also know that something’s wrong.

Rachel grabs me tightly and immediately starts to shake and sob against me. “Rachel,” I say, my voice broken, almost angry. Her weeping doesn’t let up, and I push her back harder than I mean to. “Rachel, what happened?”

She looks at me, her mouth agape and twisted, her forehead wrinkled and cheeks wet.

“Rachel,” I demand. Beau’s standing a few feet behind me, stock-still and expectant. “What happened?”

“He . . .” She closes her hands around the hem of her tank top and squeals throatily, “He’s gone.”

“Gone?” I breathe.

She folds over, racked with sobs. “He’s gone,” she chokes out. “The doctors said there’s no brain activity. He’s on life support now, but they’re going to . . .” She can’t finish. She sinks to the floor and reaches a hand up to me as she sobs, but I can’t take it.

I can’t move.

I can’t.

I can’t anything.

Behind me, Beau turns and storms back toward the automatic doors, pounding a hand flat against them and kicking them as they open too slowly, then stalking out into the night.

Still I remain frozen.

This is how it feels when the world ends.

When you know, for certain, that there’s nothing left for you to do, that you could stand there until it all disappears.

I failed. I didn’t save him. My best friend. My broken best friend. The person who has hurt me most, who I have loved deeply, from whom I always expected an apology and I meant to forgive. All that’s over now.

It’s all over.



I don’t know how long it takes me to move. I know Rachel is still on the floor crying. I know Matt’s parents are still back beyond those doors I’m not allowed to pass through.

I know Matt is still lying in bed hooked up to machines, some keeping his lungs moving, others documenting his absence of thought.

The world is still over.

When I’m sure of all that, that’s when I finally leave. Because there’s nothing else to do aside from standing in this one spot until I’m fossilized.

Beau is sitting in his truck, and when I get in beside him, he lifts his phone from his lap. “I talked to Rachel,” he murmurs. “The other Rachel.” His eyes slowly trail over to me. “The other Matt’s fine. He’s awake, talking. Doesn’t remember much.”

“That’s good,” I say, voice trembling. I wish I meant it, but I don’t. It’s not good. I wish I didn’t hate that Other Matt for living when mine will die, but I do. I wish I didn’t hate everyone in that world for having him when everyone in mine can’t. Or feel angry that we’d never make things right between us. Those things shouldn’t matter after a person’s dead. Should they?