The Long Way Home (Corps Security #6)(49)
“You kill people,” I softly say, watching those beautiful blue eyes flash brightly when I guess correctly. “These people, the ones that give you orders … are they safe?”
“Some might say that they’re the safest men on the planet. They’re good, but they’re dangerous to the underbelly scum. I’ve done my part, though. I’m done.”
“Done?”
“Two nights ago, I made sure that the last three men who could hurt my family just for knowing who I am are gone. The team? Saint, Evan, and Hunt? I need to ensure they know what’s going on and will continue. Fieldwork, though? Done. I can’t be a ghost when I know what I know now.”
We’re both quiet for a second. I can tell something is still on his mind, but I don’t press him on it. Tonight has been a night of revelations, and he’s fragile enough. I’m sure whatever else there is for him to tell me will come in time.
“I can’t go back to that life alone. I need you,” he softly says.
“You have me.”
“I still don’t understand why you aren’t mad.”
I move, shifting so that I’m on his lap.
“You don’t get mad because someone needed to learn how to let go of pain first in order to let you in. You don’t get mad at the person you’re with, especially when it’s very clear that it wasn’t done in malice or to deceive, but because it was the life you lived long before you met me. I had to earn your trust, and I would never be mad because you needed that before you gave me all of you.” I stop talking, mulling over the rest before I give it to him. The heck with it. “You damn sure don’t get mad when the person you love is hurting. You stay by their side and help however you can to heal that pain.”
“Cuz I Love You” by Lizzo
“You damn sure don’t get mad when the person you love is hurting. You stay by their side and help however you can to heal that pain.”
Her words ping around in my mind, this woman … she never gives me what I expect. The women that I knew in the past, they would have lost their shit if I had kept this from them. Something this huge … a second life, a kid … but her? I had expected her to run. To take that beauty that I found with her, my second chance at a real life, and never look back. My turbulent thoughts are doused just as quickly as they came, though, my heart pounding uncontrollably in my chest as I realize what else she said while I had been too focused on the rest to process.
“What did you say?”
“Which part?”
I hold her gaze. I see her lip quirk up at the corner in the most adorable way. How can she make me feel this good after what I’ve been feeling since Sway’s visit?
I know how.
Hearing her repeat it though is something I need more at this moment than anything else.
“You love me?”
She blushes, and damn if I don’t feel that right in my gut. She brought me back to life, and every second I’m in her presence, I’m reminded that life is worth living. Hell, she makes me want to live. To fight my way through this pain and find a way to face what I need to in order to have that sweet life she promises me with each adoring gaze.
“Are you going to say it again?” I ask when she doesn’t speak.
“This moment isn’t about me, honey.” Her soft voice is a balm to my turbulent soul. “Right now, it’s about making sure you’re okay. Only then will I give you an answer.”
I sigh. Well played. Well played, indeed.
“I don’t know how to go back, Liv,” I tell her after a breath of silence, having to work real hard not to push her on those three words. “If they don’t forgive me … God, I don’t know if I’ll survive that.”
She exhales and gets closer, shifting so she can rest her head on my chest and curl in close. There isn’t a part of her that isn’t touching me.
I love this.
I need this.
“You go back, and you give them the gift of you. The pain will be calmed by the joy they feel by the miracle of seeing you in the flesh before them. You aren’t the only one who’s lost something. They all lost you. In their shoes, even in this little time that I’ve had you? Nothing and no reason would stop me from accepting the gift of you back with open arms.”
“My son?”
“I hurt for the years you’ve lost, but any man who’s even a sliver of you would fight for a second chance to have you back in their life. He might not have known you personally, but do you think your brother would keep you from still being ‘there’ in memories?”
My breaths come fast, deep and rough. The emotion I’m fighting winning the battle. I’m not sure I deserve her words or the acceptance and love she’s giving me. I lied to her and still she sits in my arms making me feel better. How the fuck did I get this lucky? And worse, what will I do if she finds out about the rest? About Ray and the real reason I started staying close.
Worries for another fucking day.
“You need to heal, too, honey.” She continues when I keep my silence.
I lean my head back against the couch. She moves with me, not lifting her head and offering her silent support. She has no idea how much her presence has eased the pain a little. She’s got no clue how much she means to me, either. Not yet. I tighten my arms around her and bring my head down to kiss her shoulder. She shifts, and I loosen my arms enough for her to push up and look down at me. Her hands move to brush her fingers through my hair with one hand, the other cupping my jaw the way she loves to. I know she’s right. I need to do this. But not just for the reasons she mentioned. I need to make peace with that part of me in order to give her what she deserves.