The Last Letter(132)

Beckett leaned back against the railing and listened, like he knew I wasn’t looking for a response.

“All of those treatments, and trips, and hospital stays, just trying to keep her alive from the monster inside her. All that fear, and joy when she went into remission. All of those emotions…and then this happens. He falls only a few miles from our house and dies before I can even say goodbye to him.”

His hand covered mine on the railing.

“Why didn’t I get the chance to fight for him? I should have had the chance. Where were his doctors? His treatments? Where were his binder and his timeline? Where the hell was I? Did I trade his life for hers? Is that what happened?”

“No.”

“That’s what it feels like. Like every worst nightmare I had about Maisie, preparing to lose her, just came true with Colt, but it’s worse than anything I could have imagined. I’ve spent two years battling for Maisie’s life, while making sure I made every moment special because it could be her last. I was so busy staring down the freight train headed for Maisie that I lost sight of Colt, and now he’s lost. I lost him.”

“He knew you loved him,” Beckett said softly.

“Did he? I keep playing that morning over in my mind. We were in such a rush, and I hugged him—I remember that—but I don’t think I told him that I loved him. He ran off so fast, and I didn’t think anything of it. I thought I’d see him later. Why didn’t I stop him? Why didn’t we sleep in later? He would have missed the bus. Why didn’t I hug him longer? It was so fast, Beckett. All of it. His whole life went by so fast, and I forgot to tell him I loved him.”

“He knew.”

I shook my head. “No. I missed his plays, and games, and projects, and months of his life because I chose Maisie, and he knew it. I always chose Maisie because I didn’t know that he’d be the one to go. What kind of mother does that? Chooses one child over the other constantly?”

“If you hadn’t, we’d be burying two children right now. Ella, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t trade Colt for Maisie. You didn’t bargain him away, didn’t lose him because you fought like hell for her. This was an act of…I don’t even know. It was an accident.”

“There’s no reason! None. No war to fight, no way to battle what just happened. It was over before I knew it even began. I couldn’t fight for him. I would have, Beckett. I would have fought.”

Beckett wiped the tears I hadn’t felt. “I know you would have. I’ve never met a woman who fights like you do. And I know it doesn’t help you, but I fought. I did everything I could think of, and when that wasn’t enough, I lay down and held him for the both of us. He was not alone. You did not abandon him. You never abandoned him. Not during Maisie’s illness, and not the day of the field trip.”

The pain overwhelmed my system. I couldn’t imagine it ever lessening, or living with it day after day.

“I don’t know how to breathe. How to get up tomorrow.”

He wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on top of my head. “We figure it out together. And if you can’t breathe, I’ll do it for you. One morning at a time. Minute by minute if we have to.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Because a very wise woman told me once that you can’t reason with the universe, no matter how sound your logic is. And that we can either breathe through the pain or we can let it shape us. So I’m sure that we’ll take it breath by breath until the ache lessens just a tiny bit.”

“It’s never going to go away.”

“No. I’m going to miss him every single day. Maybe we lost a little of our sunshine, but Maisie’s here, and it might not be as bright without Colt, but it’s not entirely dark, either.”

He was right. I knew it in my head, but my heart still couldn’t seem to see past the next five minutes.

“Captain Donahue stopped by. He wanted to say goodbye. I guess the unit is shipping out,” I said carefully. If Beckett was going to leave, this would be the time. Now that Telluride was a painful place to be.

“I’ll wish them luck.”

“You don’t want to go?” My chest drew tight, waiting for the answer.

He turned me in his arms so he could see my face. “No. I don’t want to go. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I signed the papers last week. I’m out.”

“You’re out?”

“I’m out. Besides, the full-time gig at Search and Rescue has some really good insurance.” He gave me a little half smile.

“You’re out. You’re not leaving.”

“Even if you kick me out, I’ll still sleep at your back door. I’m never leaving you.” The truth rang clear in his voice, his eyes.

I’d forgotten to tell Colt I loved him. I would never make the same mistake again.

“I love you,” I said. “I’m sorry I haven’t said it for so long. But I love you. I never stopped.”

“I love you.” He placed a kiss on my forehead. “We’re going to be okay.”

In that second, I didn’t feel like we would be, but my brain knew he was right. Because for that brief second when he’d told me he’d chosen to stay, a flash of joy had streaked across my heart, only to be extinguished quickly by overwhelming grief.