The Last Dress from Paris(52)
Alice wonders if it would be enough for her too.
She pulls Anne into an unreserved hug, holds her there long enough to convey how deep Alice’s love for her runs. When their eyes meet again, there is an understanding between them. Both women, denied the one thing they so dearly want. Alice because of her manipulative husband, Anne despite the enduring love of hers.
“He never asked me why.”
“Albert?” Anne looks relieved to have the focus shift away from her.
“Yes. Nothing has happened really, not . . .” Alice searches for the appropriate word. “Physically. But maybe I wanted it to. And Albert doesn’t question why. Can you imagine it, Anne? A husband who doesn’t care about his own wife’s feelings? He doesn’t want to make me happy. All he cares about is what other people, relative strangers, think. He just wants his life to remain uninterrupted by scandal or inconvenience.” Alice’s tears well in her eyes as the realization hits her. All those empty years stretching out ahead of her. She thinks about the tender moments Anne and Sébastien have shared, the difficult conversations they have supported each other through, compared to the brutal rewriting of their future Albert has done.
“It must seem so cold to you,” she whispers.
“Most things can be changed,” says Anne. “Not without pain or sacrifice. But most things are within our power to alter. You just need to work out what you really want—and what you’re prepared to give up to get it.”
“Look what he did for me.” Alice stands, retrieves her clutch from the bedside table, and hands over Antoine’s sketch. “This is how he sees me.”
Anne holds it in both her hands, studying it for a minute. “It really is you.” And Alice can tell from the appreciative look on Anne’s face that she, too, is seeing the skill that Antoine has brought to the sketch. But more than that, the longing and desire barely hidden beneath his strokes.
“I don’t want to be sad anymore, Anne. Is that really so selfish?” She needs to hear she is not being unreasonable in wanting to be desired and loved and truer to herself.
“No, it’s not. But there is a lot at stake. Are you really ready to make those choices?”
“I don’t know.”
There is a long pause while both women imagine the torturous scenarios that could be witnessed within the residence if Alice isn’t very careful.
“If and when you decide you need my help, I will be here, whatever you need from me. Never be afraid to ask.”
And in that moment Alice’s love for Anne swells and soars. She understands she is not merely offering her the supportive hand of friendship, there is risk too. She is placing herself in direct conflict with Albert, who will act swiftly and severely if he thinks he has been crossed.
“Every day I see how sad you are. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t deserve to be loved, because you do, and there are people who will love you. There is always another way.”
Alice pulls her into a deep hug. “Thank you, Anne. I’m not sure how I would cope without you, my dearest friend.”
* * *
? ? ?
The Debussy dress is delivered to the embassy residence, a little over two weeks after Anne ordered it. Alice’s deadline was impossibly tight, even for the talented team at Dior, so they insisted she be gifted the very dress Antoine had admired at the show, after it was altered to precisely fit her measurements—a mark of how much the designer values her business. But looking at it now, Alice can’t bear to revisit the memory of that day when Antoine said how much it would suit her, then handed her the note asking if they could meet alone. It was the only reason she frivolously requested the gown. Now here it is in front of her, ready to be worn to a private drinks reception at the Monet Water Lilies exhibition at the Musée de l’Orangerie tonight.
In the long, lonely days and nights since she last saw him, Alice has wrestled with her conscience relentlessly, until she feels giddy from the indecision. Antoine has plagued her thoughts, testing her self-control, forcing her to punish herself with the idea that she must remain loyal to her wedding vows. She must not contact Antoine.
But he is so very hard to let go.
It’s like he opened her up, filled her with an optimism she never had before. Dared her to believe she can direct her own future, not merely pass through life as someone who is admired and envied from afar. At nearly half his age, he is ten times the man that Albert is.
He may not be powerful or connected or rich himself, but he’s passionate, and she wants to mirror him, to sit with him talking late into the night, knowing he would reveal every part of himself to her. Since he’s ignited a part of her that Albert has never found, let alone nurtured, she’s not sure she has the strength or the resolve to put it out again. To live the responsible, obedient life that is Madame Ainsley’s.
But she also knows she has to try. To see if she can force this man from her mind and her dreams. If she can, it will be best for everyone in the long run. She will only have her own disappointment to contend with. Her heart is broken anyway. Albert has seen to that.
The arrangement was that she and Albert would attend together tonight as guests of the museum board, a thank-you for all their fundraising efforts this year. But this morning over a silent breakfast, as Albert studied his newspaper and ignored her, he coldly announced otherwise.