The Hired Girl(107)

Then I felt bad, because it was almost as if I didn’t trust David. It must be the bad dream I had, because I’m sure I do. Only, the way things were, there was no time for us to swear fidelity to each other. We kissed and I am bound to him forever. But we didn’t have time to talk about what might lie ahead.

I went to see Father Horst, and he was kind but I felt too dull-witted to pay much attention to him. While he droned on about the suffering souls in Purgatory, I remembered Ma. I thought of what I wrote in this book about kissing, and it struck me that Ma never kissed Father, not once that I recall. Marriage doesn’t always mean kissing and happiness. Ma understood that. She wanted me to be a schoolteacher, not a wife; she saved the Belinda money so I could escape from all that, but here I am, thinking of marrying David Rosenbach, who isn’t even a Catholic. No wonder she was angry in my dream.

But Ma never met David, and not all marriages go bad, I’m sure. I blurted out, “Father Horst, isn’t marriage a sacrament?”

He looked astonished and well he might, because I’d veered away from the poor souls in Purgatory. I tried to explain. “I mean, if marriage is a sacrament, it’s holy, isn’t it? So if someone tried to warn a girl never to get married — I don’t mean warning a girl against any particular man, but saying that marriage was a bad thing for a woman — why, that would be a mistake, wouldn’t it?”

Father Horst took off his glasses. The way he did it, I wondered if he had a headache, too. He rubbed his closed eyes with his fingertips. “Miss Lovelace, are you thinking of getting married?”

“No,” I said hastily, but that wasn’t true, because I’d kissed David, and kissing someone and getting engaged are pretty much the same thing. Even Mimi acknowledged as much, when she said that David wasn’t engaged to Isabelle Gratz.

“Has one of your employers told you that there’s something wrong with getting married?”

“No, Father,” I said. I could see where his thoughts were tending. Father Horst is always sure the Rosenbachs are up to no good. “I was just wondering. That’s all.”

“In my opinion,” Father Horst said, “it would indeed be a mistake. Marriage is a woman’s destiny. There can be no higher calling for a woman than to marry a man and bear his children, unless”— a light came into his eyes —“you wish to enter the consecrated life. Is it possible you may have a vocation?”

I was a little slow to see what he meant. “A nun?” I said at last. “Me? Oh, no! I could never be a nun!”

“The calling can be extremely subtle,” Father Horst said pleadingly. “It can be a very delicate thing, that still, small voice that speaks from the soul. Have you heard that voice, Miss Lovelace?”

“No,” I said hastily. It sounded brusque, and I was sorry, because I could see that it would brighten his day if I wanted to be a nun. “I’m sorry, Father, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be a nun. I don’t think I have it in me. I just wanted to see what you thought about marriage.”

Father Horst looked at me quizzically. Then he sighed. “I have to admit, I find it hard to imagine you as a nun,” he said, “but God’s ways are often mysterious, and I wouldn’t want to discourage you. Is there anything else you want to ask, my daughter?”

“No, Father,” I said. It was nice of him to be interested, but by then I wanted to get out of there. My conscience is uneasy because I lied to him, and I know he wouldn’t like me kissing a Jew.

After I left him, I went to the church to pray. I lit a candle for David before the statue of St. Joseph, because he is the patron saint of artists. St. Luke would have been better, because he was a painter, but there’s no altar for St. Luke in Corpus Christi. Then I went to the statue of the Blessed Mother.

It’s a fine statue, but I don’t much like the expression on her face. I hope it’s not blasphemy to say that. The statue is white marble, or maybe it’s glazed china; it’s very polished looking, but the face always makes me think of the word perturbed. It’s easy to imagine that statue disapproving of me.

I began by praying that David would get his commission. After that, I was tongue-tied, because what I want most is for David to come back and kiss me some more, but I didn’t know whether the Blessed Mother would understand about that. I’m not sure how she feels about me being in love with a Jew. If David and I are going to be together, one of us will likely have to convert. I can see that David might not want to because of the Christians who persecuted and tortured the Jews. But if I convert, I won’t have Jesus and the Blessed Mother any longer. I can’t expect the Blessed Mother to be in favor of that.