The Good Luck Charm(66)

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Ethan.” But loving him doesn’t mean I should bend for him every time he thinks he needs me.



Merk rushes to the door before there’s even a knock, his customary one-bark greeting signaling Ethan’s arrival. I check the clock. It’s barely past seven thirty. I’ve managed to finish all but one question on the assignment, but I’m still annoyed by his early arrival.

I stay where I am, seated at the kitchen table, books and papers arranged around my laptop.

Ethan comes around the corner, Merk on his heels, sniffing the bouquet of flowers in his right hand and then the bag in his left. He sets the bag beside my textbook. “That’s dinner for you.” Ethan wears a sheepish smile. “Sorry I’m early. I was antsy. I brought you flowers.”

He holds them out, so I take them. I know he’s trying to be sweet, but he’s got to understand flowers aren’t the answer to everything.

“I feel bad about keeping you up last night and about the media circus. Were you okay today?”

If I get into this now, I’ll never finish this fucking assignment. “I’m not ready to talk about that yet. I still have to complete this.” I gesture to the spread on the table.

He rubs the back of his neck, eyes shifting around the table, expression chagrined. “Do you have a lot left? Can I do anything to help?”

“You could not be a distraction—that would be helpful,” I snap and then sigh. “Could you take Merk for a walk?” Merk perks right up, tail wagging excitedly as he pushes his nose into my lap.

“Sure, I can do that,” he says slowly. “Are you still angry with me? For last night?”

I run my hands down my face. “I really need to finish this assignment, Ethan. We can talk when I’m done.”

“Right, okay.” He chews on the inside of his lip, not moving. “I really just wanted to sleep beside you, but then you were wearing those shorts and I was all jacked up from the win … ” He grins a little, which irks me even more. He thinks it’s funny. Cute even.

“For fuck’s sake.” I slam my laptop closed. Obviously this conversation isn’t going to wait. “Are you really sorry, or are you just saying that because you know I’m pissed off?”

That wipes the smile off his face. Maybe he’s finally getting it.

“I’m honestly sorry. I didn’t realize you were so upset about it.” He takes a step back as I push out of my chair, moving around him. “Maybe you could stay at my place when I have home games. That would probably make it easier, right?”

“That’s not going to solve the problem.” I’m edgy now, my frustration having festered all day. “It’s not just you showing up in the middle of the night that I’m upset about, Ethan.”

“What else is it, then?” His fingers graze my wrist and I step out of reach. “Talk to me, Lilah. I don’t like this feeling.”

“I told you last night that I needed sleep and you still showed up. I told you today that I needed time to work on an assignment and you’re here almost an hour early anyway. You can’t just show up and expect me to drop everything for you. I have priorities and obligations that are important, too.”

“I know that.”

“Then why show up early when I asked you not to?”

He jams his hands in his pockets. “Because I knew you were upset with me and I wanted to smooth things over.”

“By doing exactly what I asked you not to.”

“I won’t do it again—show up in the middle of the night like I did or come over early if you ask me not to. I’ll take a step back if that’s what you want.”

I don’t know if he can actually follow through with that, though. Ethan is so driven by compulsion. I fear he’ll tell me what I want to hear to placate me, but when it comes down to it, he won’t be able to give me what I need, and I won’t be able to make him adhere to my boundaries. Unless I force us both to.

My throat is so dry right now, my anxiety spiking just like his. “We need to talk about the interview.”

He blows out a breath. “I’m sorry about that, too. I wasn’t thinking when I kissed you like that. And I didn’t expect all the questions, but maybe I should’ve. Don’t worry about the trade talks. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out.”

And here he is, glossing over all the issues. Placating as he does. In the past I would let him. But I’m not a teenage girl anymore, and I can’t keep sacrificing myself for him.

I cross over to the couch, dropping down because my legs feel watery. “I think I just need … some space.”

Ethan’s eyes flare and his brow furrows. “Wait, what? Where is this coming from?”

I can’t look at him, unable to see his confusion, which I share, because as the words come out, they’re as much a shock to me as they are to him. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“Can’t keep doing what? This? Us?” He crosses over to sit beside me on the couch.

“That’s not—” I have to pause to gather my thoughts and not backtrack. What I want and need seem to be at such odds with each other. “I don’t want to lose you again, Ethan. It was so painful the first time.” I shake my head. “God, I just … lost myself for such a long time, or got lost in myself. I don’t know. And then you come back into my life and it’s so familiar and easy. I don’t want to be without that again. And that possibility scares me, so I’ve been putting you ahead of me, in front of my own goals and needs. I see how it’s affecting my life, and I don’t like it.”