The Good Luck Charm(5)

I grab my purse and step away from the desk. “Did Jeannie send you out here to ask again?”

I move toward the exit, absently waving to Ashley, who I’m sure will be all over me with questions when I get back.

Ethan falls into step beside me. “I thought it might give us an opportunity to talk.”

I speed up, heading for the employee parking lot and the fresh air I seem to need so badly. It’s hard to take a full breath again. “You mean about Martin? We won’t know anything until he’s awake and they do more tests in the morning.” I know that’s not what he wants to talk about, but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction.

Warm summer air does nothing to cool my already heated skin as I push through the doors.

“DJ, wait.”

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath so I don’t snap. I’m raw. This day has been too hard, and I’m not ready for this kind of conversation with him. Especially not now, when his father’s health is so uncertain and our emotions are all tied up in the potential for loss. Because no matter what happens, there’s a chance Martin won’t be the same man he was before the stroke.

“Please, DJ.” His fingers wrap around my wrist.

I don’t want the sensation to be electric, but it is. I don’t want the warmth that floods my veins at the foreign familiarity of his touch. I don’t want my body to react in any way to him, but it does. My heart remembers that he broke it, but the rest of me seems to have forgotten.

I jerk away. “I told you, I go by Lilah now.” It’s so stupid, a pointless thing to be stuck on, but it’s the only place I can put focus so I don’t break down.

“Sorry. I’m not used to it.” He runs an unsteady hand through his hair, sending the thick dark strands into disarray. “I could drive?” His tone is layered with regret and remorse. Emotions that do me no good, not this long after the fact. Not when they only exist because of all the other things happening to him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea tonight.”

“I just want to apologize, D—Lilah.”

I exhale a breath, trying to remain grounded, to keep the simmering anger from bubbling over and pouring out. But I’m so tied up inside, so broken by the events of the past twelve hours and the piece of my past standing in front of me, splintering me apart all over again.

“What do you want to apologize for?” I ask on a whisper.

“For the way I handled things.”

“Handled things?” I echo.

He drops his head, peeking up at me through long lashes. “When I was drafted.”

My father was the first man to walk out of my life, and then the dominos began to fall in succession. Ethan was the next to go, then my husband, Avery, and now I might stand to lose Martin, depending on how he comes out of this. I don’t want to lose another man I love, or be faced with heartbreak all over again.

I run my fingertip from the center of my forehead down the bridge of my nose, working to find some calm. “Neither one of us is prepared for this conversation tonight.”

“I know you’re upset, but—”

I hold up a hand. “You’re not hearing me. I can’t do this with you right now. I can’t handle this conversation, and you can’t handle the things I want to say to you.”

“I made a lot of mistakes.” His voice is soft and sad, which only fuels my anger.

“Mistakes? You abandoned me. You weren’t just my boyfriend, Ethan; we grew up together. You were my best friend, and you disappeared from my life for eight years. The only reason I’m seeing you after all this time is because of Martin. Do you know how hurtful your silence has been? Every time you came home and never called, did everything you could to avoid seeing me, talking to me? I can’t forgive you for that.”

His voice cracks. “Not ever?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have an answer for that now. Not after all these years of nothing. Not with all of this going on.”

He nods slowly, a crease forming between his eyes. “Right. Okay. You’re right. It’s just … I just … I didn’t ever want to hurt you.”

“But you did. I mean it when I say you’re not ready to hear what I have to say, and frankly, I’m not ready to say it. This is too much for both of us. Too much is happening. Can we just deal with your dad being in the hospital? I think that’s enough.”

“Can I at least walk you to your car? Make sure you’re safe?”

“I’m right over there.” I motion across the lot. “You should be with your mother. She needs you.” Unspoken words hang between us like a noose waiting for a neck to tighten around. The implication is there, even if I’m unsure whether it’s true. I don’t need you.

“Okay. You’re right.” Ethan’s defeat makes my heart ache even though it shouldn’t. I was always too soft for him, too quick to fold.

Before I can leave, Ethan takes a step forward, closing the distance between us. I don’t have time to react, to protest, to do much of anything before his body is pressed against mine, his thickly muscled arms wrapped around me.

I feel simultaneously protected and vulnerable.

As much as I want to push him away, I return the embrace instead, aware that he’s struggling, and despite my anger, I’m someone familiar he can lean on. I know better than anyone how tumultuous his relationship with his father has been, and what a shock this must be for him. We all believe our parents are invincible until we find out they’re not. So I give in, allowing his touch to soothe and ignite. I absorb the feel of him, the memory of him made real again. For one beat, my fractured heart feels deceptively whole.