The Goal (Off-Campus #4)(86)

“You’re the most beautiful Oompa Loompa in the world,” Hope declares.

“Because she’s not orange.”

“Oompa Loompas were orange?” I try to conjure up a mental picture of them but can only recall their white overalls.

Carin purses her lips. “Were they supposed to be candies? Like orange slices? Or maybe candy corn?”

“They were squirrels,” Hope informs us.

“No way,” we both say at once.

“Yes way. I read it on the back of a Laffy Taffy when I was like ten. It was a trivia question and I’d just seen the movie. I was terrified of squirrels for years afterwards.”

“Shit. Learn something new every day.” I push my body upright, a task that takes a certain amount of upper body strength these days, and toddle over to inspect the crib.

“I don’t believe you,” Carin tells Hope. “The movie is about candy. It’s called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Since when are squirrels candies? I can buy into a bunny because, you know, the chocolate Easter bunnies, but not a squirrel.”

“Look it up, Careful. I’m right.”

“You’re ruining my childhood.” Carin turns to me. “Don’t do this to your daughter.”

“Raise her to believe Oompa Loompas are squirrels?”

“Yes.”

Hope laughs. “Here’s my theory on parenthood. We’re going to screw up. Badly. Many, many times. And our kids are going to need therapy. The goal is to reduce the amount of therapy they’ll need.”

“That’s a dark parenting outlook,” I remark. “How do these things go together? Are we missing something?” There are two matching end pieces, but the rest of the boards on the floor are like a Lego set with no instructions.

Carin shrugs. “I’m a scientist. I can estimate the volume and mass of the pieces, but I’m not going to hurt myself trying to assemble it.”

D’Andre appears in the doorway, sweat glistening on his dark skin. All three of us turn toward him with pleading eyes.

“Why you all looking at me like that?” he asks suspiciously.

“Can you put this crib back together?” I ask hopefully.

“And if you do, will you please take off your shirt?” Carin begs.

D’Andre scowls. “You gotta stop treating me like a piece of meat. I have feelings.”

But he whips off his shirt anyway and we all take a moment to praise God for creating a specimen like D’Andre, whose chest looks like it was sculpted out of marble.

He smirks. “Had enough?”

“No, not really.” Carin props her chin on a hand. “Why don’t you take off those shorts too?”

I admit I’m curious. D’Andre’s a big man. I’m not opposed to seeing his equipment.

Hope throws a palm up in the air. “No, no stripping. We’re here to help put the crib together. Baby, what can you do?”

“I’m an accounting major,” he reminds her. “Remember? I’m good with numbers and lifting. Tucker’ll put it together. He’s out there talking some stranger into hauling away the desk.” He directs a pointed glance to my belly. “So we wait for your man.”

“She doesn’t need a man,” Hope says. “She has us.”

“Then why am I here?”

“Because you love me and don’t want to sleep on the sofa,” Hope says sweetly.

“That’s not a sofa, Hope. That’s a piece of wood with some foam on it.”

I giggle. Hope’s new place in Boston is full of items from her grandma’s attic, which contains enough furniture to fill about three houses.

“That’s an original Saarinen.”

“Still don’t make it a sofa,” he insists.

“You sit on it. It has three cushions. Hence, it’s a sofa.” She sniffs. Conversation over. “We need an engineering friend.” She points a finger at Carin. “Go back to Briar and hook up with an engineering student.”

“Okay, but I’ll need to actually have sex with him beforehand, so I won’t be back until,” she pretends to check the time, “ten or so.”

“We’re all college graduates,” I proclaim. “We can put this together ourselves.”

Clapping my hands, I motion for everyone to get on the floor with me. After three tries of trying to lower myself to the ground and making Hope and Carin nearly pee their pants laughing in the process, D’Andre takes pity on all of us and helps me onto my knees. Which is where Tucker finds us.

“Is this some new fertility ritual?” he drawls from the doorway, one shoulder propped against the frame. “Because she’s already pregnant, you know.”

“Get yo ass in here, white boy, and put this thing together,” D’Andre snaps. “This is ridiculous.”

“What’s ridiculous?” Tucker stops next to me, and I take the opportunity to lean against his legs. Even kneeling is hard when you’re toting around an extra thirty pounds. “We took it apart. How can you not know how to put it back together?”

D’Andre repeats his earlier excuse. “I’m an accounting major.”

Tucker rolls his eyes. “You got an Allen wrench?”