The Edge of Always(33)

“Camryn,” I say, “Lily just wasn’t ready. I don’t know why, but you can’t blame yourself for her, or for anyone else. And you have to understand that we’re in it together. All of it. Do you believe that?”

She nods. “Yes.”

I lean in and kiss her first on the forehead and then on the lips.

Silence ensues and the atmosphere in the room feels different. Brighter. I know that Camryn isn’t going to be one hundred percent overnight, but I can see that she’s better already. I can tell just by looking at her that she feels less burdened now that she got a lot of that shit off her mind. She needed this. She needed someone to straighten her out. Not someone indifferent, or someone who will only give her the cookie-cutter answers to everything.

She needed me.

I stand up and take her hand. “Come here.”

She follows. I pick up the pill bottle from the table beside the bed and then pull her along with me to the bathroom inside the room. I lift the toilet lid and hand her the bottle. And before I even get a word out, Camryn turns the bottle upside down without hesitation and dumps the remaining four or so pills into the toilet.

“I still can’t believe I was that weak.” She stares at the water as the pills circle it and are sucked into the pipes. She looks over at me. “Andrew, I could’ve easily become addicted to them. I can’t imagine—”

“But you didn’t,” I interrupt before she drills it any further into her head. “And you’re entitled to a moment of weakness. Enough said.”

I walk out of the bathroom and pace the bedroom floor. She follows me out and stands in the center of the room, watching me.

“Andrew?”

I stop and turn to face her and say, “Give me one week.”

She looks slightly confused.

“One week for what?”

I smile faintly. “Just agree to it. Stay here with me for one week.”

Growing more confused by the second, she says, “Ummm, all right. I’ll stay here with you for one week,” though it’s clear in her face that she really has no idea what she’s agreeing to.

But she trusts me and that means everything to me. I’m going to give us what we both need, whether she wants it or not.





Camryn





16


Day Three

I never thought for a minute that I could’ve done what I did. Andrew calls it a moment of weakness and maybe he’s right, but it will take a long damn time for me to forgive myself for it.

Michelle has made it clear that she isn’t judging me, and although it does make me feel better, I feel a sense of humiliation whenever I’m in the same room as her or Aidan. Maybe that’s why it feels so bad, because they’re so understanding.

One week. No idea what Andrew meant by that, but I owe it to him not to ask questions and to let him do whatever it is he plans to do. He’s been very secretive the past few days, often taking his phone calls into other rooms so that I can’t hear. I only tried to listen in once, just by becoming extra quiet on the couch when he stepped into the kitchen to talk to Asher. But then the eavesdropping made me feel guilty, so I turned the TV up so that I couldn’t hear.

And I may have only been taking the pills for a week, but apparently it was long enough to still feel messed up three days after the last few I popped. I feel off, unable to sleep even worse than before I started taking them, but the mild headaches are finally starting to wear off, at least. I can’t imagine being addicted to them for months or years. I feel sorry for people who are…

Day Four

Aidan walks in with a small stack of mail in his hand, sifting through each piece as he walks through the living room.

He looks at one white envelope awkwardly for a moment and holds it up, glancing at me first until Andrew walks into the room.

“Looks like this is yours?” He glances at me again, but hands the envelope to Andrew.

I get the strangest feeling from it, so instinctively I get up from the recliner and walk up next to Andrew to check it out.

Just before Andrew moves it out of my view and lets his hand drop to his side with the envelope clasped within it, I see Natalie’s name scrawled across the front.

He knows I saw it, too.

“No,” he says, shaking his head. “I’ll let you see it some other time.” And then he slips the envelope into the back pocket of his jeans.

I totally trust him, but I’m human and a small part of me is nervous about this whole situation. Why would Natalie be sending Andrew letters? Trust or not, the first thing that always comes to mind, no matter who you are, is wondering if something might really be going on between them. But that’s absurd, and I push that thought out of my head as fast as it came.

They’re plotting against me.

I just wish I knew what was going on.

Day Five

I talk to Natalie, my mom, and then to Marna on the phone today. Marna tries to act as if nothing ever happened with the baby, and she does as good a job as Michelle did my first day in Chicago. She’s so kind and careful. My mom, on the other hand, can’t seem to talk about much other than mine and Andrew’s relationship. She hounds me every chance she gets about when we’re getting married, and she has it set in stone that we’re doing it the same way everybody else does. I try to tell her that I don’t want a fancy dress or a chapel or thousands of dollars’ worth of flowers that are going to die the week after, but it’s as if she doesn’t even hear me. She just wants us married. Maybe that’ll make her feel better about him sleeping in my room. I have no idea what goes on inside my mom’s head, and half the time I don’t think she does, either.