The Deal (Off-Campus, #1)(60)

After that, he and I were inseparable. We were together for eight months, and I was wildly and unequivocally in love with him. He told me he loved me, too, but after he dumped me, a part of me wondered if maybe he’d only been with me out of pity.

Don’t think that way.

The stern voice in my head belongs to Carole, and suddenly I long to hear it in person. Our therapy sessions ended once I left for college, and although we’ve had a few phone chats here and there, it’s not the same as sitting in that cozy leather armchair in Carole’s office, breathing in her soothing lavender scent and hearing her warm, reassuring voice. I no longer need Carole the way I used to, but right now, as I face off with Devon and his gorgeous new girlfriend, all the old insecurities come rushing back.

“How’ve you been?” he asks.

“Good. No, I’m great,” I amend hastily. “How are you?”

“Can’t complain.” The smile he gives me looks forced. “Uh…the band broke up.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

He absently rubs the silver hoop in his left eyebrow, and I’m reminded of all the times I used to kiss that piercing when we were lying in bed together.

“Brad happened,” Devon admits. “You know how he was always threatening to go solo? Well, he finally decided he didn’t need us. He landed a record deal with this hot new indie label, and when they said they wanted their house band to back him, Brad didn’t fight for us.”

I’m not surprised to hear it. I always thought Brad was the most pompous * on the planet. Actually, he’d probably get along splendidly with Cass.

“I know it sucks, but I think you’re better off,” I tell Devon. “Brad would’ve screwed you over eventually. At least it happened now, before you signed anything, you know?”

“That’s what I keep telling him,” the redhead pipes up, then turns to Devon. “See, someone else agrees with me.”

Someone else. Is that what I am? Not Devon’s ex-girlfriend, not his friend, not even an acquaintance. I’m simply…someone else.

The way she diminishes my position in Devon’s life makes my heart squeeze painfully.

“I’m Emily, by the way,” the redhead says.

“It’s nice to meet you,” I reply awkwardly.

Devon looks as awkward as I feel. “So, uh, you’ve got the winter showcase coming up, huh?”

“Yep. I’m performing a duet with Cass Donovan.” I sigh. “Which is beginning to look like a huge mistake.”

Devon nods. “Well, you always did work better alone.”

My stomach goes rigid. For some reason, it feels like he’s making a jab at me. Like he’s insinuating something. Like what he’s really saying is you have no problem getting YOURSELF off, right, Hannah? But you can’t do it with a partner, can you?

I know that’s just my insecurities talking. Devon’s not that cruel. And he tried. He tried so hard.

But insinuation or not, it still hurts.

“Anyway, it was nice to see you, but I’m here with friends, so…”

I nod toward the booth where Tucker, Simms and Logan are holed up, which brings a crease of confusion to Devon’s forehead. “Since when do you hang out with the hockey crowd?”

“I’m tutoring one of the players, and…uh, yeah, we hang out sometimes.”

“Oh. Cool. Okay, well…see you around.”

“It was nice to meet you!” Emily chirps.

My throat closes up as they saunter off hand-in-hand. I swallow hard, then twirl in the opposite direction. I duck into the corridor that leads to the restroom, blinking away the hot tears that have welled up in my eyes.

God, why am I crying?

I quickly run through all the reasons why I shouldn’t be crying.

Devon and I are over.

I don’t want him anymore.

I’ve been fantasizing about someone else for months.

I’m going on a date with Justin Kohl this weekend.

But the reminders achieve nothing, and my eyes sting harder. Because who the f*ck am I kidding? What chance do Justin and I possibly have? Even if we go out, even if we get close enough to be intimate, what happens when we have sex? What if all the issues I had with Devon sprout up again, like some annoying rash you can’t get rid of?

What if there really is something wrong with me and I can never, ever have a normal sex life like a normal frickin’ woman?

I blink rapidly to try to stop the flow of tears. I refuse to cry in public. I refuse to.

“Wellsy?”

Garrett emerges from the men’s bathroom and frowns the moment he sees me. “Hey,” he says urgently, cupping my chin. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” I mumble.

“You’re lying.” His grip stays firm on my chin as he sweeps his thumbs underneath my eyes. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying.”

“I’m wiping away your tears right now, Wellsy. Ergo, you’re crying. Now tell me what’s wrong.” His face suddenly pales. “Oh shit, did someone harass you or something? I was only gone a few minutes. I’m so sorry—”

“No, it’s not that,” I cut in. “I promise.”