The Darkest Part (Living Heartwood #1)(45)

This trip, one that Tyler had been planning since middle school, was a form of escapism the average person takes for granted. With a pang, my chest aches deeply. Was the redhead an escape, too? Did I put unreasonable demands on him that he had to run into her arms? I don’t want to blame myself. And I know I’m just feeling self-pity. But there was so much festering beneath the Tyler I thought I knew. I can’t help but blame myself for not seeing it.

And a horrible, painful thought hits me. We hadn’t slept together since before that night. Was it because he felt too guilty? Maybe he was working up the courage to tell me before he could be with me again. Or maybe he was trying to end things.

I was so oblivious to everything else, maybe I just couldn’t see what was really happening. I can’t think about it anymore. I just can’t.

With a heavy sigh, I decide (for now) to put my hurt pride and feelings aside. With forward momentum, I walk ahead, toward the hotel, and plan to party like a rock star.

For Tyler.

At the check-in counter, I don’t even try to pay. Holden already has his wallet out and is requesting rooms.

“I’m sorry,” the guy behind the counter says, tapping away at his keyboard. “There aren’t any available rooms next to each other.” He looks us over, waiting.

Holden’s expression darkens. He said at the last hotel he didn’t want us far apart. Some manly thing he has going on where he feels more in control, able to sense danger, and can get to me quickly (again, Douchebag Superman). Because I need rescuing, apparently.

I turn toward Holden and shrug. “I’m a grownup if you are.”

This gets a clipped laugh from him. “All right.” He nods at the guy. “One room, two beds.”

A tingling sensation travels through my body, and I immediately tamp it down. Once I got over Holden in high school, and knew that I could love Tyler fully—for him and not a rebound—I never had any residual feelings about Holden.

Truth is, I didn’t have to worry about it. I never saw him after he left the island, and loathing for the * I thought I once cared for took precedence. But now . . . I don’t understand why these old feelings are bursting through the dam. Like they were never really done, just on hold.

No matter what Tyler “almost” did, I feel disgusting. I’m not like that. I’m a one guy kind of girl. But I can’t deny that, when Holden lets me in past his walls, like at the oak . . . I want more. More of that Holden he apparently has locked away.

We exit the elevator on the fourth floor and find our room easily. When I step inside, I’m instantly drawn to the window. “Wow.” It overlooks part of Beale Street, and the buildings of the city stretch on, high against the light skyline.

I turn back around as Holden tosses his bag at the foot of the bed. He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m going to go clean out the truck. So it doesn’t get funky.” My cheeks flush, remembering my discarded food that got tossed in during my meltdown.

“You want me to help?”

He shakes his head. “No. You rest up.” He turns to go, but pauses at the door. “Are you hungry? I saw a food court near the lobby. I could bring you back something. Or we can wait and grab something later.”

“I’ll wait,” I say. “But thanks.”

He nods, not making eye contact, then leaves. The door’s audible click makes me flinch, and the silence that follows is thick and consuming. I look out the window again, my thoughts banging against my brain as I watch people walking along the sidewalks.

“You’re still in love with him.”

Tyler’s voice startles the shit out of me, and I turn and grab my chest. “Hell.” I take in deep breathes before his words register in my mind. “What are you talking about?”

He looks stricken, his features pulled into a wounded expression. “I never used to scare you.”

His words blanket me in shame. “I just have a lot on my mind right now.” I leave my meaning open.

Taking two steps closer to me, he nods, understanding. “I can’t erase the past. And I can’t even give you an explanation. I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. It’s not good enough. But know that I am sorry, Sam.”

“I know.” And I do. “Look, it’s too soon to do this again. I need . . . I don’t know. Let’s leave it in the past. For now.”

He soundlessly slips his hands into his pockets. His aura is even more faded in the dim lighting of the hotel room. “That day in your room, months before we officially got together, I knew why you were crying.”

My chest constricts. I don’t want to relive that either. “Let’s not, Tyler.”

“You always had a thing for Holden. And I was willing to wait. To be patient.” He smiles. It’s sad and heartbreaking. And I always thought, in the back of my mind, that he had to have known. I was just too much of a coward to confess any of it to him.

I take a step toward him. “I was meant to be with you.”

His smile stretches, pulling at my heartstrings. “Oh, I know,” he says assuredly, cocky as hell.

I can’t help it. I laugh.

“But,” he says, moving another fraction of an inch closer. “Tell me that you only loved me. That I was the only one you were meant to be with.”

“Tyler . . .” My voice breaks.