The Controversial Princess (The Smoke & Mirrors Duology #1)(91)
I slowly turn, full of dread, finding my brother standing behind Olive, observing my stalled fleeing form on the stairs. His face is the most serious that I have ever seen. “Dinner awaits,” he says flatly, gesturing to the dining room.
I suppress my sigh and take the stairs back down to the foyer, letting Olive take my bag and scarf. But not before I retrieve my mobile phone. The quick dip of my hand into my bag isn’t missed by Eddie. “Thank you.” I smile a small smile at Olive, who wastes no time removing herself from the thick atmosphere. I envy her. There is no escape for me. I look at my brother, who gives me nothing but a straight face. I want to tell him he looks less handsome when he doesn’t smile, that his boyish features look twenty years older. But that would be in spite. The flat look on his lovely face is indicating where dinner’s conversation will go, so I roll my shoulders back and make my way into the dining room, determined to see this through. I will tell him exactly what is happening, if that is what he wants. I have not been holding back because I don’t trust him. I simply don’t want someone raining on my already flooded parade.
“Looks very nice,” I say to the perfectly laid table, taking my seat and letting one of the footmen drape the 500 thread count napkin across my lap. “Thank you.” I smile at him as he backs away, and rest my elbows on the table, something I’d never dream of doing if dining with the King. I also wouldn’t dream of lifting my silverware before the King began his meal, but since the King isn’t here, I grab my knife and fork and dive into my creamy pasta as soon as it lands on the table in front of me, if only to distract myself from Eddie, who is staring at me across the table, not bothering with his supper. I feel my irritation build with every silent second that passes, to the point I resort to clenching my silverware in my grasp and breathing in deeply, looking at my brother with an expectant look. Like, yes, just say what you want to say.
And he does. Bringing his balled fist to his mouth, he clears his throat and squares me with a level look. “Enough of the games. What’s going on?”
I match Eddie’s stark look, fumbling for the right words and the best way to say them. I don’t know whether it’s his reproachful expression or my muddled state, but the only words I can find are those of a negative nature, and it’s a challenge to hold them back. I want to scream at him to let me be, to let me figure this out on my own. I don’t need to hear what I am faced with. I know fine well. “I’m seeing him,” I mutter, annoyingly casting my eyes away as I confirm what he knows. What I wanted to do was look him square in the eye with confidence and conviction. Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I push forward with determination? It takes two seconds to reach my conclusion, and with that conclusion comes a reminder of the fear that accompanies the path I’ve chosen. I’ve fallen for Josh. I care about what happens to him. It matters to me if he’s tarnished in any way. That amplifies my fear, because it all leaves me vulnerable.
Eddie laughs, and it is the most condescending laugh I have ever heard.
Ignoring it, I battle forward. “I try to feel free every day,” I begin, keeping my voice calm and even, determined not to lose my temper with the brother I love so much. “I—”
Eddie laughs harder, bringing my intended plea to an abrupt halt. “You are a Lockhart, Adeline. The word free doesn’t come with the job.”
“What if I don’t want this job?” I grate, stabbing at a prawn with my fork, just for something to take out my frustration on. I’m not going to eat it. I have no appetite. I’m just here to show some willingness.
“You don’t get a choice.” Eddie leans across the table, and for the first time in forever, I see my father in him. Not because he looks like him, he looks nothing like him, but because he sounds like him. And I resent him for it. “This is your life, Adeline, and it is mine. I’ve gotten used to it. You should, too. Enough of the games. You’ve played them for long enough. Forget about him. Forget about your silly little fling. Move on and do what Adeline Lockhart does best.”
“What do I do best?” I question. “Come on, what do I do best, Edward? Keep up appearances? Dance to the tune of the King and his minions?”
“Really? Like you do any of those things.”
“You’re right. I don’t. What I try to do is feel free. Try. That’s the key word here. I force it. Do things I tell myself will make me feel better about the restraints I live with. The rebelling, the behavior; it’s all my way of trying to hold on to my free will.” I take a deep breath, seeing I now have Eddie’s full attention, and I plan on keeping it. No interruptions. No more batting me down with a reminder of our obligations. That’s it, now. He asked, so he shall get. I drop my silverware and stand, resting my palms on the table. “With Josh, I don’t need to try. I don’t even have to think about it. It’s effortless. Natural. I’m not lying to myself. He makes me feel good about me. He knows me without even really knowing me. He sees me. Not the painted princess. He sees me. The woman. The desire. The need to have a man tell me that this is how it’s going to be, but he’s telling me that because he knows what I want. What I need. Not what my country needs. Not what the King needs. Not what the bloody monarchy needs. Me. It’s about me. So if that is bad, if you can’t deal with that, you are more than welcome to go join the army of power-hungry bastards who will try to stop us from being together.” I catch my breath, if only to make sure my next promise is as level as every other word I have spoken. “I will take you down as hard as I plan on taking them down. With no mercy. No guilt. No looking back. This is about me being a better person, a more useful person, because I have what I so desperately need in my life to function. Him. Josh.” I manage to note through my declaration that Eddie’s eyes are wide and startled. “I would rather sacrifice my entire existence as a royal than be without him. I’m useless without him. I have been useless without him. For the first time in my life, I feel valued. I have a purpose beyond answering correspondence and keeping up appearances. I want to do the things with my life that I never dreamt I would be able to do. He is a blessing to me, and I will not let you or anyone else try to make him out to be anything else.” Throwing my napkin on the table, I walk away, so damn proud of myself for getting all those words out without so much as a stutter or a crack in my voice. There. I think I made myself clear.