The Charm Offensive(92)
THREE MONTHS AFTER FILMING
Raleigh, North Carolina—Monday, November 8, 2021
Dev
On a Monday night in November, the second-to-last episode of Charlie Winshaw’s season of Ever After airs to twenty-three million viewers. Dev Deshpande is not one of them. Monday nights are when he schedules his appointments, and it’s dark outside the office in east Raleigh where he sits, waiting, while his therapist brews two mugs of peppermint tea.
Dev reaches into a box full of fidget spinners and other stimming toys and pulls out a neon purple squishy ball. He knows now that his need to stay busy, to never stop moving, was a way to avoid confronting the parts of his life that weren’t working, but he also knows having something to do with his hands makes those confrontations a little bit easier. He’s learned a lot about himself in this office these past three months.
Alex Santos steeps the tea leaves into the twin mugs, then crosses the room to their wingback chair. “So,” Alex asks, their head cocked to the side in a way that reminds Dev of Jules. He doesn’t want to think about her tonight but forces himself to confront the too-big feelings in his chest. “How are you doing?”
Dev squeezes the purple ball. “I’m okay.”
His therapist gives him a searching look, and Dev understands. He knows okay was his refrain for a long time.
“I really am okay. I’m mostly relieved. It’s almost over.”
Alex shifts in their chair. “How will things be different once the season is finally done airing?”
“Well, presumably the crew will stop trying to call me and text me and email me every five seconds,” he starts. Not that he’s talked to anyone since Macon. He deleted all his social media, and he deletes every text message sight unseen. Even the ones from Jules, until she stopped trying to reach out altogether. He’s built a small life for himself here—living at his parents’ house, writing every day in his childhood bedroom, leaving the house only for biweekly therapy sessions and walking his mother’s Maltese around the park—but at least it’s a life without Ever After. Without the toxicity and the pretend.
“And once the hype dies down, I won’t have to worry about seeing his face on magazine covers in the grocery store checkout line.”
“Is it still hard to see him?”
He squeezes the purple ball harder. “You know, Alex, one of these days, you’re going to make a declarative statement, and that will be when we really level up in our therapy-ship.”
Alex purses their lips disapprovingly. “You want a declarative statement? You are using humor to deflect from your very real emotional pain.”
“Touché.”
Alex smiles and gets up to fetch the tea. It took Dev weeks to get a smile out of his therapist, but it turns out someone gruff and no-nonsense was what he needed after upending his entire life. He needed someone who wouldn’t be charmed into thinking he was okay. Alex always sees through his bullshit and always calls him on it.
“Fine, yes, I’m deflecting. And yes, it’s still hard to see him on magazine covers. I still… love him. I think I’ll always love him.” He sets down the stim toy so he can take the cup of tea Alex passes him. He wraps his fingers around the warm mug.
“If you still love him, why aren’t you with him?”
“Because love isn’t enough!” He doesn’t mean to yell, but Alex, used to his outbursts of emotion, barely flinches. “Love does not conquer all. Charlie was our star. I was his producer. Even if everything hadn’t gone to shit with Maureen, we never could’ve been seen together in public. It was stupid to think our story was going to end any other way, and I hope, after the show is over, I’ll finally feel like I made the right choice.”
Alex takes a sip of their tea. “In leaving?”
“I mean, I know I made the right choice. I chose me,” he says, retreading a conversation they’ve had a dozen times across this office. “I couldn’t work for a show that treated people that way any longer. I couldn’t watch Maureen Scott force”—he almost works up the nerve to say his name and swerves at the last second—“her fictional ending. Ever After is problematic, and I had to leave to get healthy. And I am healthier.”
He really is. He didn’t even realize how unhealthy he was until he started digging into all the things he’d been ignoring. His depression, yes, but also his dreams of writing, which he pushed aside for the show. His fundamental belief that his existence wasn’t worthy of the spotlight. His dependency on alcohol to numb his emotions when things got hard. His need to please others above pleasing himself. His chronic fear of letting anyone see anything but Fun Dev. The quiet resentment he carried toward his parents for trying so hard to understand, but never understanding.
But he’s here, confronting those things. He’s completely sober, for the time being, anyway. He takes meds for the depression, and he’s focusing on his own career, and he’s doing the hard work to learn to love himself. He knows it’s hard work he will probably have to do for the rest of his life. None of that could have happened if he’d stayed enmeshed in the show.
“I know you think a full Ever After blackout wasn’t the best way to cope, but I don’t think I would be doing this well if I’d spent the past nine weeks watching him fall in love with Daphne Reynolds on a wine tram.”