The Boatman's Wife(45)

Lily ate up her salmon and bread, then drained her coffee mug. She went up to the bar to pay, but the bartender had disappeared. Everything was so slow over here. She just wanted to get going. Not only to find Connor’s grandmother, but also to get to the bottom of the mystery behind the threatening email. And then what? Go back and be the dutiful daughter, working with her daddy on fishing vessels for the rest of her life – or visiting her father in prison for the manslaughter of her own husband? It was a serious charge. He could even get more than three years, if found guilty. She shoved an image of her dad in an orange overall out of her head, connected back to her righteous anger at her parents.

‘Hi, there!’ she called out, and eventually, an old man ambled out of the back room. ‘I need to pay.’

She knew she was being abrupt, but she couldn’t help it. She had to get out of the pub, back on the road, before she broke down completely.

She managed to keep it together until she got into the car. Gripping the steering wheel, she gave out a low moan, and then dropped her head on it. Tears began to stream out of her eyes. Her left arm ached, so red and sore. No matter what creams she put on it, the hives wouldn’t go away. As if her body was screaming at her.

She couldn’t do this. Who was she kidding? She hadn’t just lost Connor, she’d lost her mom and dad, too. She had no one.

Come on, Lily. You’re stronger than this.

It was as if Connor were sitting right next to her in the car. His voice felt so real inside her head. She slammed her hands on the steering wheel again.

‘Don’t you tell me that!’ she shouted, not caring if people saw her shouting at herself inside her car. ‘You lied to me for years, Connor!’

Connor again, in her head: You’re a warrior. I’ve always loved that you don’t take shit from anyone.

‘But you’ve broken me!’ she blazed. ‘You left me, Connor! You left me.’

She slammed her hands again for a third time. The hard leather on the steering wheel hurt her palms, but she didn’t care, because if she was feeling physical pain it distracted her from the pain in her heart. Then, as suddenly as her anger had swept through her, Lily was spent. She rested her head on the steering wheel, tears bubbling in her eyes.

‘I just can’t go on.’ The words squeezed out of her mouth as if they were made of pins.

She lifted her head. Took one deep, shaky breath. She had to go on. Because she was all alone now. She just had to take one step at a time. The truth should always come out. No matter what the consequences.

Lily was calmer now. She felt as if a weight had been taken off her shoulders. There had been no one there to make her feel better. She had had to do it for herself. She wiped her face with a couple of tissues, took a sip of water from her bottle and checked Google Maps on her phone. There were three possible routes to Mullaghmore, but she selected the main road. It took her through the town of Sligo and then north, to a peninsula sticking out into the Atlantic Ocean. Mullaghmore was right on its edge.

After raining the whole way on her drive from the airport, the sun emerged from behind clouds and a rainbow filled the sky as Lily sped west. She negotiated the centre of Sligo with ease, crossing another bridge, and not long after leaving its suburbs, she began to see views of the Atlantic Ocean. The sight of the coast lifted her heart. The deep blue ocean soothed her as she lowered her window and inhaled deeply. Yes, she could smell the salty, seaweed tang of the ocean on the breeze, and it reminded her of home.

On the outskirts of the village, Lily saw the crescent of an empty beach with golden sands and rolling waves. She pulled in and parked. It was windy, with a fine drizzle – whether from rain or sea she wasn’t sure – spraying her cheeks. She walked through the dunes and sea grass to reach the beach. Despite the cold, she had to take her boots off and feel the sand between her toes. She pushed her bare feet deep into the wet sand, feeling the satisfying weight of her body sinking, then lifted each foot up and walked towards the edge of the sea. To her right, she could see distant blue mountains, she guessed of Donegal. But then she looked straight ahead, across the cresting waves, knowing that on the other side of the ocean was Rockland and Maine, and her parents, lost and grieving too. She felt guilty for a moment, but then her anger returned. Not just at her parents, but at Connor for leaving her. She was the widow. The word made her shiver.



Spying a ‘Vacant’ sign outside a B&B in Mullaghmore with the appropriate name of Seaview, Lily pulled up and parked the car. The rain had returned, and despite the temperature being so much higher than back home, she felt cold as she walked up the drive and knocked on the door of the B&B. It was as if this damp drizzle had permeated her bones.

The door opened to reveal the smiling face of a woman with masses of curly black hair, and eyes the same colour as the ocean behind her.

‘Good afternoon, are you looking for a room by any chance?’ the woman asked.

‘Yes,’ Lily said, immediately feeling welcomed by the woman’s friendly manner.

‘Well now, we’ve plenty available,’ the woman said, opening the door wide. ‘My name’s Noreen McMahon and you’re very welcome.’

‘Thank you,’ Lily said, stepping across the threshold. ‘I’m Lily.’

‘Lovely to meet you, Lily,’ Noreen said, bustling down the hallway. Lily followed her into a spacious lounge with spectacular views of the Atlantic Ocean. The room felt bright and airy with wooden floors, and big white walls covered in paintings of the sea.