The Accidental Countess (Accidental #2)(82)

She snuggled next to his side and kissed his shoulder. “I’ll never let you go, either. What changed your mind?”

“I told you back at your parents’ house. I thought you loved another man. Hunt told me so.”

“But you told me”—she glanced down—“when I was pretending to be Patience, you told me you cared for another woman.”

He bent his head and kissed the tip of her nose. “Yes. You.”

She rose up on her elbow. “You meant you loved me? Cass, I mean?”

He nodded and kissed her shoulder. “Yes. It was always you, Cassie. Always. I think I knew it back when you were sixteen, but after all the years, all the letters, I was sure.”

Cass lay back on her side and wrapped her arm around his neck. “I felt so torn. I didn’t think I could ever be with you. It would have been a betrayal both of you and of Pen, two people I love.”

“I can understand how difficult it must have been for you. Is that why you didn’t send that letter?”

She took a deep breath. “Yes. I felt it would be unfair to you and unfair to Penelope. It was not until that day you came back to London that I knew Penelope didn’t want to see you. But I still wasn’t certain how you felt. It’s funny that we never spoke much of Pen in our letters.”

He nodded. “I couldn’t bear it. Besides, we had plenty to write about, didn’t we? I came back planning to tell her we couldn’t marry. But there was another reason…”

The tone of his voice frightened her. “What is it, Julian?”

He grasped her arms, stared her in the eye. “The truth is that I intended to go back to work for the War Office. I meant to go back to the Continent to find Donald and Rafe, even if it meant I never returned.”

“I don’t understand. You were going to run away?”

“Not run away, Cassie. Die.”

She gasped. “Die?”

“Yes. I felt guilty for having lived. I was meant to die in battle. I nearly did.”

“Oh, Julian. No.”

He nodded. “Yes. In fact, it was my father’s last wish for me.”

She shook her head against the pillow. “What are you talking about?”

“He told me, my last day in London, seven years ago. He told me I should die in battle. He expected it of me.”

“That’s sick. It’s awful. He was wrong.”

Julian glanced down. “Yes, well. He never thought he would need me.”

Tears rolled down Cass’s cheeks. “I’m so happy you lived, Julian, so very happy. I prayed for you every day. Constantly.”

He pulled her tight, squeezed her close. “I know, Cassie. I know. Don’t you see? You saved me. Your love, your letters, I’m here today because of you.”

“I can’t imagine life without you.” She tightened her grip on his shoulders. “Oh, Julian. I’m so frightened of what might have happened had Lucy not given you that letter.”

He squeezed her tightly. “And to think, I almost lost it.”

“Pardon?”

He gently rubbed her shoulder with his free hand. “It was hidden in the sofa for a bit. I was—ahem—jug bitten.”

She turned to look up at him. “Jug bitten?”

“Very well, drunk.”

She laughed. “You were, were you?”

“Yes, if you must know. What did you expect? I thought you were going to marry Upton.”

Her eyes widened. “I was never planning to marry Garrett. I don’t love him, and he doesn’t love me, despite what Lucy thought. He told me so.”

“He said that?”

“Alas, I am obviously not irresistible to every man.”

“It’s a good thing for Upton. I’d hate to have to beat him to a pulp.”

Cass shook her head. “Yes, well, he’s perfectly safe, then. Besides, Daphne told you I’d planned to join the convent.”

He pushed himself up on one elbow and looked at her. “Yes, and a more ludicrous notion I’ve never heard.”

Cass shrugged. “I wanted Mother to know that she cannot just sell me like an object. I wanted to take the power away from her. I wanted control of my own life.”

Julian kissed her earlobe. “Your mother will not tell you what to do ever again.”

Cass closed her eyes and sighed. “Thank heavens.”

“As for Daphne, it seems I’ve made a deal with her. She agreed to tell me your plans in exchange for my agreement to look the other way someday.”

Cass raised both brows. “Are you certain that’s wise, Julian? With Daphne, there’s no telling what she might get up to.”

His crack of laughter echoed off the walls. “Don’t I know it? And to answer your question, no, it’s not wise at all. In fact, it’s the opposite of wise. The mere notion that I agreed to it only demonstrates how out of my mind I was to find you.” He rolled over onto his back and pulled her atop him. Then he kissed her.

Several minutes later, Cass pulled away and looked down at him. “Julian, may I ask you something?”

“Anything, my love.” He pulled her close against him and buried his face in her hair.

“You said Donald was gone to the Continent … on business … Does that mean?” She glanced away. “Does that mean that he is a—”