Tatiana and Alexander: A Novel(74)

"Where do you live, Tania?"

"On a street called Fifth Soviet. Do you know where that is?"

He patrolled that area. "It's near Grechesky Prospect. There's a church nearby."

"Yes, it's right across the street," she said.

"Though I think church is a strong word for that building. It's a document storage facility."

She laughed. "Yes," she said, bubbling. "It's aSoviet church."

The simple time with her on Sunday was so markedly brief.

All his time with her was markedly brief, encircled by war wagons, by his mother and father, by his false name, by Dimitri's perceived power over his humanity, by Dasha, oh that Dasha! Surrounded by Slonko and Nikolai Ouspensky, assailed by the Soviet Union from all sides. He had to learn how to live, not remember, not hear the never-ending echoes that those one hundred minutes alone with her kept thundering into him. One bus ride with her, when he had her all to himself, sitting on the seat next to her, walking across one Field of Mars by her side, one glimpse into what might have been, one flare of an inflamed heart and the consequence? Eternity in Soviet Russia.

Where could they have gone to hide? Where could they have disappeared?

Sunday came and went.

The Field of Mars, June, death, life, white nights, Dasha, Dimitri, they all came...

And went.

But there Alexander still was, standing on that street, on that curb, in the sun, looking at her under the elms, looking at provenance across from him, provenance in a white dress with red roses, licking her ice cream with red lips, singing. His and only his for one hundred minutes, blink of an eye and gone. It all was, it was, but now it had passed and the blizzard cloaked it, leaving emptiness and light. Passed forever, and he was here forever, still on the street forming and reforming his screaming heart.

Losing Pasha, 1941

Her twin brother Pasha had disappeared. It all seemed innocent enough at first, going to a boy's summer camp--but then the Luftwaffe flew over the boy's camp, and the Red Army sent in the boys to stand in front of the Panzer tanks, and Pasha vanished. She refused to accept it and went to find him in Luga with Hitler across the river, because she was crazy, and he went to bring her back because he was crazy for her. Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Another tainted moment of having her this timealmost to himself. When they lay in his tent, there was no other place they wanted to be, and they both knew it. Despite Hitler's forces a hundred meters away, despite Tania's broken ribs, her broken leg and her broken spirit, despite losing Pasha.

He felt her short sobs. "Shura, we have to find him."

"Oh, Tania."

"We have to. I can't go back home without finding him. I can't fail like this. Please. You don't know my family. You don't know me."

"I know Tania. They--and you--will have to learn to live with what you still have."

"Don't say that. I can't live without him."

Alexander could barely get his words out. "I'm sorry, Tania."

"I can't, you don't know. He is my brother, don't you understand? And what if he is somewhere waiting for me and I don't come? Who else should go and rescue you if not your family? Who else? Oh, Alexander, what if he is wondering why it's taking me so long to come and find him, and I don't come? Why don't I come?"

"Why would he be waiting?"

"Because he knows what I am. I won't leave him."

Alexander fell quiet. Lucky Pasha having someone like Tatiana on his side. "Tania, there's no trace of him. Two million German men stand between you and Pasha. You can't walk, nor bend. You're broken, and he is lost. Leave him be. Let him go with God."

And the next morning alone in the woods under the falling bombs, covering her with his body to shield her from harm, he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stop himself. Alexander kissed Tatiana. They could have died there in the woods; he almost wanted to when he recalled dimly what lay ahead of them--desperation, deceit, Dasha, Dimitri, Hitler, Stalin, war all around them.

Pasha was never found. Weeks later they got word that he had died on a burning train. The father didn't recover, drinking down, burning down his grief until there was nothing left of him either. Pasha had been his only son. Alexander had one more grateful thought for easing his own father's heart in prison. He was also his father's only son. Could he even remember what it was like to have a father, a mother, bending over him at night, kissing him, crying?

He couldn't.

More and more Tatiana seemed to him to be a chance not taken, a moment gone. He could not stop what he felt for her, yet she seemed for another life, for another time, for another man.

She wanted more from Alexander. Didn't they all.

Except he didn't have more. He didn't have anything. Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Christmas in New York, 1943

TATIANA ANDANTHONY WEREinvited to spend Christmas Eve with Vikki and her grandparents.

When she arrived she found Edward there.

"Why did you invite him?" she whispered to Vikki in the kitchen.

"He celebrates Christmas, too, Tania."

Tatiana sat next to Edward on the couch, sipping something called eggnog and holding on her lap six-month-old Anthony, who wanted some eggnog too. Edward told Tatiana that four days earlier he had been kicked out of his home. His wife apparently had had enough of him working such crazy hours and spending so little time with her.