Tatiana and Alexander: A Novel(34)

Shaking off the hallucination in his head, of a meadow, of sun, of clover, Alexander repeated in a low voice, "Sir?"

"Everything's gone to shit, Major," whispered Stepanov. "They're already looking for your wife, but...she seems to have disappeared. I convinced her to go back to Leningrad with Dr. Sayers, just as you asked me. I made it easy for her to leave."

Alexander said nothing, digging his nails into the palms of his hands. Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"But now she's gone. You know who else disappeared? Dr. Sayers. He had informed me he was going back to Leningrad with your wife."

Alexander dug his nails harder into his palms to keep himself from looking at Stepanov and from speaking.

"He was on his way to Helsinki, but he was supposed to have gone to Leningrad first!" Stepanov exclaimed. "To drop her off, to pick up his own Red Cross nurse he had left in Grechesky hospital. Listen to me, are you listening? They never reached Leningrad. Two days ago his Red Cross truck was found burned, pillaged and turned over on the Finnish-Soviet border at Lisiy Nos. There was an incident with the Finnish troops and four of our men were shot and killed. No sign of Sayers, or of Nurse Metanova."

Alexander said nothing. He wanted to pick up his heart from the floor. But it was dark, and he couldn't find it. He heard it roll away from him, he heard it beating, bleeding, pulsing in the corner.

Stepanov lowered his voice another notch. "And Finnish troops shot and killed, too."

Silence from Alexander.

"And that's not all."

"No?" Alexander thought he said.

"No sign of Dr. Sayers. But..." Stepanov paused. "Your good friend, Dimitri Chernenko, was found shot dead in the snow."

That was small comfort to Alexander.

But it wassome comfort.

"Major, why was Chernenko at the border?"

Alexander did not answer. Where was Tatiana? All he wanted to do was ask that question. Without a truck how could they have gotten anywhere? Without a truck what were they doing--walking on foot through the marshes of Karelia?

"Major, your wife is missing. Sayers is gone, Chernenko is dead--" Stepanov hesitated. "And not just dead. But shot dead in aFinn's uniform . He was wearing a Finnish pilot's uniform and carrying Finnish ID papers instead of his domestic passport!"

Alexander said nothing. He had nothing to hide except the information that would cost Stepanov his life.

"Alexander!" Stepanov exclaimed in a hissing whisper. "Don't shut me out. I'm trying to help."

"Sir," Alexander said, attempting to mute his fear. "I'm asking you please not to help me anymore." He wished he had a picture of her. He wanted to touch her white dress with red roses one more time. Wanted to see her young and with him, standing newly married on the steps of the Molotov church.

The fear, the stabbing panic he felt prohibited Alexander from thinking of Tania past. That's what he Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

would have to learn to do: forbid himself from looking at her even in his memory.

With trembling hands he made a sign of the cross on himself. "I was all right," he finally managed to say, "until you came here and told me my wife was missing." He began to shiver uncontrollably.

Stepanov came closer to Alexander. He took off his own coat and gave it to him. "Here, put this around your shoulders."

Immediately he heard a voice from the outside yell, "It's time!"

In a whisper, Stepanov said, "Tell me the truth, did you tell your wife to leave with Sayers for Helsinki? Was that your plan all along?"

Alexander said nothing. He didn't want Stepanov to know--one life, two, three, was enough. The individual was a million people divided by one million; Stepanov did not deserve to die because of Alexander.

"Why are you being so stubborn? Stop it! Having gotten nowhere, they're bringing in a new man to question you. Apparently the toughest interrogator they have. He has never failed to get a signed confession. They've kept you here nearly naked in a cold cell, and soon they'll come up with something else to break you; they'll beat you, they'll put your feet in cold water, they'll shine a light in your face until you go mad, the interrogator will deliberately tell you things you will want to kill him for, and you need to be strong for all that. Otherwise you have no chance."

Alexander said faintly, "Do you think she is safe?"

"No, I don't think she is safe! Who is safe around here, Alexander?" Stepanov whispered. "You? Me? Certainly not her. They're looking everywhere for her. In Leningrad, in Molotov, in Lazarevo. If she is in Helsinki, they'll find out, you know that, don't you? They'll bring her back. They were calling the Red Cross hospital in Helsinki this morning."

"It's time!" someone yelled again.

"How many times in my life will I have to hear those words?" Alexander said. "I heard them for my mother, I heard them for my father, I heard them for my wife, and now I hear them for me."

Stepanov took his coat. "The things they accuse you of--"

"Don't ask me, sir."

"Deny them, Alexander."

As Stepanov turned to go, Alexander said, "Sir..." He was so weak he almost couldn't get the words out. He didn't care how cold the wall was, he could not stand on his own anymore. He pressed his body against the icy concrete and then sank down to the floor. "Did you see her?"