Tatiana and Alexander: A Novel(169)

How much longer for the Bronze Horseman?

Orbeli--was that not proof that wherever he was, in his own blackest night, Alexander was calling for her?

And if she believed that he was alive and did not try to find him, she would be turning her back on him.

What did that say for her?

Maybe she could close that dark window that led to night and not listen for him anymore. Perhaps she could even convince herself that Alexander would forgive her for her turned back, for her indifferent heart.

Ask yourself these three questions, Tatiana, and you will know who you are.

What do you hope for?

What do you believe in?

But most important, what do you love?

She climbed back inside, closed the window and went to lie in bed next to her son.

"Vikki, I have to talk to you," Tatiana said the next morning as they were standing in the kitchen eating croissants and drinking coffee before they rushed off to work.

"Can it wait till tonight? We're late already. Anthony needs to be in playgroup."

Tatiana took Vikki's hand. Vikki's mouth was covered with croissant crumbs. She looked very endearing and skinny and dark-haired standing at the counter, her mouth full, looking down at Tatiana with exasperated affection. Tatiana hugged her. "I love you so much," she said. "Now, sit down. I have to talk to you."

Vikki sat down.

"Vik, you know that I work at Ellis, and I volunteer for Red Cross, and I walk through the veterans' hospitals, and I look through every refugee boat that comes into New York. You know I call Sam Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

Gulotta in Washington every month, and that I got in touch with Esther that first time, all for only one reason?"

"What izh that weason?" Vikki said, chewing.

"To find out what happened to Alexander."

"Oh."

"But I haven't been able to find out anything."

Vikki patted Tatiana's hand.

"It's time for me to do more."

Vikki smiled. "More than Iowa?"

"Now I need your help."

"Oh, no." Vikki rolled her eyes. "Where are we going now?"

"I would like nothing more than for you to come with me," said Tatiana. "But I need you for even bigger things."

"What things? And where areyou going?"

"I'm going to find Alexander."

A small piece of croissant fell out of Vikki's mouth. "Go find Alexander where?" she said disbelievingly.

"I will start in Germany. Then I go to Poland, then Soviet Union."

"You're going to gowhere ?"

"Listen..."

Vikki threw her arms down in front of her, flat on the table. Several times she banged her forehead on the tabletop, and flailed her head from side to side.

"Vikki, stop."

"Okay, this one is the best one yet. I don't think you're going to top this one. Massachusetts was good, Iowa was better, Arizona was best, but this one, this one is out of the park."

"I wait until you finished."

"What are you talking about?" Vikki said, finally swallowing her food and banging the table with her fist. "I know you're just joking. No one goes to Germany."

"International Red Cross goes. I'm going." Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abclit.html

"The Red Cross doesn't go!"

"It does. And I'm going with it."

"You can't go! Anthony and I can't come with you if you go with the Red Cross to occupied territories!"

"I know. I don't want Anthony and you to come with me. I want him to stay here where he is safe..."

Vikki's mouth fell open. This time it was empty.

"I want him to stay here withyou ." She took Vikki's hands. "With you," she repeated. "Because you love my boy, and he loves you, because you will take care of him, as if he were your own, take care of him for me and his father."

"Tania," Vikki whispered hoarsely. "You're crazy, you can't go."

Tatiana squeezed Vikki's hands. "Vik, listen to me. When I thought he was dead, I was dead. I have been resurrected by Paul Markey and by Josif Orbeli. My husband needs me. He is calling for me, trust me when I tell you he needs my help. Paul Markey saw himalive in April last year all way in Saxony, Germany, when he was supposed to be dead in Lake Ladoga, Leningrad, thousand kilometers away. Edward talked me out of going in 1944 because he said I had nothing. And he was right. This time I have something. And I'm going. I just need you to look after my son. Your Grammy and Grampa will help you." Tatiana paused. "No matter what happens."

Helplessly, Vikki shook her head.

"I can't live out my ice cream life here and leave him to rot away his Soviet life there. You do understand how impossible that is, don't you?"

Vikki continued to shake her head.

"He needs me, Vikki. What kind of wife would I be if I did not help him? I help complete strangers at Ellis. What kind of wife does not help her own husband?"

"A sane wife?" whispered Vikki.

"A not very good wife," said Tatiana.

That same day she took the train to Washington.