THE TROUBLE WITH PAPER PLANES(3)

I tried to weasel my way out of the costume deal, but she wasn’t having it. No costume, no entry. I didn’t think Vinnie could’ve given a shit either way, but they were sticking together on this, just like they did on everything. Individually, they were difficult. Together, they were unstoppable. So I’d thrown something together to get them both off my back. At least they couldn’t say I hadn’t tried.

We climbed up the gravel road, away from the beach and back to the real world.

“Chillax big brother, I’ll be there,” I said, putting him out of his misery.

“Will you really? Because you said that last year, remember?”

Long memories. That’s what the Danes family were blessed – or cursed – with, depending on which way you chose to look at it. I ignored the jibe and kept my eyes on the road.

“It’s your thirtieth, dude, of course I’ll be there. Promise.”

“Yeah well, you better be. I’m serious – I’m counting on you, bro. Last year’s stunt was a one-off. I’m not asking, I’m telling. Her blood pressure’s borderline as it is, she doesn’t need any added stress and neither do I. Besides that, she’s spent weeks pulling this thing together. For God’s sake, don’t do your patented disappearing act again, okay? I want you where I can see you this time.”

I threw him a filthy look as we rounded a sharp bend. Still babysitting me, after all these years. Just because he’d been practically parenting me since he was a kid himself, didn’t make it acceptable, no matter what time of year it was.

“Dude, come on. You’re shredding the vibe. What’s the point of a sunrise surf if you’re just gonna pick a fight straight after?”

“I’m not trying to pick a fight.”

“Really? Sounds like you are. And while we’re at it, I’m not ten years old anymore. You don’t need to keep an eye on me. The real baby will be here in a few weeks, just hold off till then.”

I switched on the radio in an attempt to fill the heavy silence. I was trying here – really trying. He should see that and cut me some slack. I just wanted to get through the next few days without any dramas. I didn’t think that was too much to ask. I glanced over at him, hoping he’d taken the hint, but it was obvious he was desperate to have it out with me. He had that look on his face. Christ, he was getting more and more like Dad every day. Maybe it was in the job description.

“Okay, I gotta say this,” he said finally, proving me right.

Damn it. I sucked it up, pulled it down deep inside and let him go for it. It was the only way.

“I’m trying not to sound like a prick here. I know this is tough, we’re all feeling it. Shit, if I could change my own birthday, I would, but I can’t and we need to move on. It’s been five years, and I don’t know what your gut tells you, but mine tells me she’s gone.”

My palms were getting sweaty. I didn’t want to do this, not now. Not ever, actually.

“I’m saying this because you’re my brother and I love you.” He was looking at me, but I refused to take my eyes off the road. I heard the words even before he said them out loud. “You can’t spend the rest of your life in limbo, dude. You need to let her go.”

My heart wanted to leap out of my chest, I could feel it straining beneath my ribcage. Like a kid, I wanted to make him take it back, all of it. What the hell did he know? He had Jas and a baby on the way. All I had was an empty house and an extra toothbrush in the bathroom.

This was bullshit. I was being ambushed, I could feel it. Was it something he and Jas had cooked up together? A little heart-to-heart, right before the party?

“Just think about it, okay? I know it hurts –“

I took the next bend a little too fast, taking marginal satisfaction from the fact that he had to grab for the dashboard to keep his balance.

“Right,” he mumbled. “Well, apparently we’re not talking about this. Just remember that it’s my birthday too, not just Em’s. Just because she’s not here to celebrate it with us, doesn’t mean we stop celebrating altogether. Life goes on.”

Yeah, life goes on. People come, people go. Get over it.

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this speech. He was like a broken record lately. I wanted to snap out one of my usual retorts – any one of them would do.

She’s not dead, she’s just missing.

Until there’s a body, there’s still a chance.