Sweet Soul (Sweet Home #5)(87)

Levi shrugged. “To say goodbye, or just to have around, to see when you want. This way you get to see her when you need, and she can still watch over you, like my mamma’s angel does me, does all of us.”

My sight blurred with tears, at what he’d done. At the most breathtaking act that had ever been thought of.

I made my way to my shy guy who was rocking on his feet, and I placed my hand over his heart. Levi’s eyes were wide as he waited for what I would say.

“This is the kindest, most thoughtful act someone could ever do. To give me this, my mom?” I shook my head wondering how I ever deserved such kindness, when I said, “You are kind-hearted, Levi. You’re what people should strive to be. Kindness is giving someone something, or an act that requires nothing in return, not even a thank you, and you’ve done this. For me. You’ve given me my chance at goodbye.”

With his head kept down, he explained, “I just wanted you to be happy. Finally. I want it so damn much for you, bella mia.”

I threw myself in his arms and sighed when he hugged me back. I felt his warm breath ghost past my face. “Say goodbye to her, bella mia, say goodbye how you always wanted to, how it always should have been.”

I sucked in a breath, suddenly terrified. Squeezing Levi tighter, I asked, “Will you stay in the room with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

Levi nodded against my head, then I pulled back and turned around. I faced the perfect sculpture of my mom’s face, and I felt the ache in my heart that I always did. She’d been so lost all her life. Her soul was too fragile to have been born into this world.

“You know the Lost Boys from Peter Pan?” I asked aloud.

I never turned to Levi for the answer, but he replied, “Yeah.”

I smiled, standing before my mom’s sculpture, her eyes bright and her smile full. “I loved that story when I was younger. Peter Pan. I remember my mom repeatedly telling me about how the cruel the world was, that she wished she wasn’t in it. It would upset me so much that I used to pray to God for Peter Pan to come and get her. I was young and thought Peter was real. I used to pray for him to come and take her to Neverland because she’d be happy there with people just like her. People who could love her and make her smile, because everyone was cared for in Neverland. There was no pain or cruel words.” I ran my finger down her perfectly sculpted hair. “My mom was a fictional Lost Boy stuck in this non-fiction world… and she used to tell me that I was the same as her.”

I sighed and shook my head. I looked at my mom as if she was actually before me. I looked into her eyes. “But I wasn’t like you, mom,” I hushed out quietly. “Yes, I was mistreated. Yes, I tried to take my own life, but I’ve realized that maybe, just maybe I do belong here after all. I think maybe I always knew that my salvation would come to me one day, that I’d be found from being lost.” I paused and thought of the boy stood behind me. “You used to tell me that there was no place for people like us in this world, to hide my voice and protect my heart. And I did, mom. I did what you said for such a long time. And you were right, when I spoke I was bullied, I was ridiculed… and I folded, I let it hurt me. I let it break me down, yet I did not break.” I wiped my cheeks.

“But you forgot to tell me about the people that are the opposite to those that intentionally hurt. The kind ones, the ones who don’t care that I talk differently. The ones who don’t tell me to hide myself away. Instead they tell me to be who I am, without apology. It’s not easy, Mom, but I think we focused on the bad for so long, that we were blinded to the good.” I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the pain, the fear that those words inspired. “I want to experience the good, Mom. I don’t want the pain anymore. I have to look for my rainbow.”

My throat burned as I stepped closer still. “I never got to say goodbye to you, once and for all.” My breathing hitched but I forced out, “They took me from you, but I didn’t want to go. Please know that. You needed me, and they took me away against my will. It’s why you died, Mom, because you never learned to do anything for yourself, and that wasn’t your fault.” I sniffed and coughed the emotion from my throat. “But you never tried either. You never really tried to make it better for me, or for yourself.” I glanced behind to Levi, to him watching me in silence, his handsome face expressing every ounce of my pain. Because he’d lived this too. He’d lived through the final goodbye.

Closing my eyes, I braced for my next words. When I opened them again, I placed my palm on her cold marbled cheek and hushed out, “I miss you everyday, Mom, and I know you’re happy where you are now, happier than you could have ever been in this life. And I want you to watch me. I want you to watch me live. To make something of myself, to achieve something, even if that’s just achieving a normal life. A normal, everyday life with someone who loves me. And maybe some day, we could have some kids. That sounds just about perfect to me.”

I lowered my head, and with my palm still on her cheek, I pressed my forehead to hers, and in our own action, in our version of silent words, I told her I loved her for the very last time. As I closed my eyes, I could almost feel her palm on my cheek too… telling me her goodbye too.

I stayed with my forehead against hers for minutes and minutes, my heart shattering in my chest. But when I heard Levi’s soft breathing behind me, his soothing presence, those scattered pieces moved back in place and, one by one, they knitted back together.