Sweet Soul (Sweet Home #5)(10)

He looked down at me. “Let’s go.”

I opened my mouth to argue, when he walked in the direction of the back gate and out onto the driveway.

Austin leaned forward. “Go with him, Lev. You need to start living your life, little bro. You gotta push yourself to get outta your shell.”

Nerves suffocated me, but I got to my feet anyway and ran into the pool house to grab my cash and house keys. Two minutes later, I was out of the back gate and slipping into the passenger seat of Axel’s El Camino.

There was no music playing. Nothing was said. In silence, Axel pulled out of the drive and onto the road. I glanced across to look at my big brother: his face was like stone, his dark, almost black eyes were hard and tense. I could see the anger taking its hold.

As if feeling me watching, his gaze flicked to me and he sighed. “It’s my f*cking fault you’re like this. This… introvert. All shy like this. Closed in.”

My stomach fell and I turned to stare out of the window, to stare at the trees blurring into a constant green line. I could feel the pain and guilt radiating in thick waves from Axel.

“Kid?” he pushed and my head drifted against the window.

“It’s just not my thing, Axe. It ain’t because of you. It’s just how I am.”

“It’s not. Yeah, you were always quiet, but me pushing you into the gang too young, making you f*cking shoot people when you were still a kid. That shit pushed you into yourself. Then my going inside, not being the man of the house for you. Someone to have your back, guide you, f*cking raise you.” He swallowed and added, “Not being there when Mamma died, it f*cking closed you in, Lev. I may have been a shit brother, but I know enough about you to understand this. You were so f*cking young to go through what you went through. What I made you do. You were seven when she got sick, and I left you to raise yourself so I could be in that f*cking gang. All alone. It harmed you, kid. I done you so wrong.”

I didn’t say anything in response, because as harsh as it was, most of it was true.

“Tell me, Lev. You ever had a girlfriend?”

My body tensed at Axel’s question. “No,” I whispered, my cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

I heard Axel’s hands tightening on the steering wheel, and he added, “You ever even been kissed? You ever asked a chick out? You even talked to one that you liked?”

I didn’t bothering answering. What was the point? He knew the answer. I was a Carillo. I was twenty, and I hadn’t ever even been kissed. I’d never even held a girl’s hand. I hadn’t even been on one date.

“Fuck,” I heard Axel spit under his breath, and I rolled my head to face him.

“I’m not like you, Axe. Or Aust. It’s just… I just don’t know how to speak to girls. I’ve never met one where I wanted to find the courage to want to speak to them.”

Axel kept his eyes on the road, then flicking me a glance, said, “You’ve got a big f*cking heart, kid. Maybe too big. And I know things have been shit for most of your life, but it’s better now. Isn’t it? Please say we’ve made things better for you in some small way?”

“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “It’s better.”

Axel exhaled in relief and we went into silent mode, again. When we hit the highway, and as I was still staring out of the window, Axel said, “Austin told me Mamma’s rosary was stolen from the locker room.”

Whipping my face round to look at my brother, he briefly met my eyes and then focused back on the road. “Yeah,” I replied.

“It’s cut you up.” He said it as an assumption, not a question. I nodded anyway.

“It ain’t her,” he said roughly. “That rosary was just a thing. It’s not Mamma.”

Thickness filled my throat. “It was to me.” I shifted on my seat, and playing with my hands, reluctantly confessed, “I don’t remember what she sounded like anymore, Axe. I… I,” I took a deep breath, fighting the pain in my gut, and continued. “I can’t remember how her hand felt in my hair.” I could hear how my voice had broken at that confession, but managed to add, “Those rosary beads were my anchor to her. Because I know she held them in her hands. When I held them too, I felt like I could still see and feel her with me, somehow. Because she’s fading from my memory, Axe. I didn’t have as long with her as you and Austin did. I’m finding it real hard to keep her alive in my heart.”

Axel didn’t say anything in response, but a few seconds later, he pulled the car into a rest stop and hit the engine. And we sat there. Sat there, both of us staring out of the window. Until my big brother’s arm wrapped around my neck and pulled me into his chest.

Tears built in my eyes at this simple gesture and I held my brother’s shirt tightly. “I don’t know what the f*ck to do to make it better for you, Lev,” Axel rasped, as I exhaled a slow breath, trying hard to control my emotions.

I didn’t reply, I just waited until I could lift my head without falling apart. I slumped on the seat.

“I know you miss her, kid. I f*cking do too, but you gotta try and live. You study, you play college football. I’m so f*cking proud of you I could f*cking burst. You’re smart, you’re the best of us, but you gotta try, Lev. Just try and live. Try and be happy. Or else, what’s the f*cking point?”