Surprise Delivery(44)
“Have you talked to her since you went away?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t.”
“Eight months is a long time,” she says. “What if she’s with somebody already?”
I shrug. “Then, I have to take my lumps,” I reply. “But I realized over there that I owe it to myself to at least take a chance here. I have to find out if what we shared is real and if there’s a possibility of us maybe, exploring it together.”
A faint smile touches her lips and that inscrutable expression on her face remains in place.
“What?” I finally ask.
She shakes her head. “Nothing, dear.”
“Yeah, I know better than that,” I say. “Spill it, Mom.”
Her smile grows wider and that mischievous twinkle in her eye only deepens. “I just never thought I’d live to see the day when my rational, purely logical son, would give in to his emotions like this,” she says. “I never thought I’d see you choose to follow your heart, rather than let that big brain of yours guide you.”
“Do you think I’m being foolish?”
“Quite the contrary, actually,” she says. “I, for one, am thrilled to see you letting yourself feel things for a change, rather than hiding behind those big, thick emotionless walls you usually hide behind.”
I laugh. “You make me sound like some robot incapable of human feeling.”
“I wouldn’t go quite that far,” she chuckles. “But, it’s close.”
“Gee, thanks,” I say, giving her a rueful smile.
“All I’m saying is that you are a lot like your father in a lot of ways. You guard your heart so closely, that you keep yourself from really feeling,” she continues. “You keep yourself from experiencing life and from living with passion.”
“Hey, I’ve got plenty of passion,” I say. “I’m absolutely passionate about my work.”
“Right,” she lifts a finger. “But name something else you’re passionate about.”
I open my mouth, racking my brain, trying to come up with the answer to the question. Ultimately, I’m forced to close my mouth again, simply because I can’t really come up with an answer. I honestly can’t think of something I’m really emotionally invested in, or passionate about, besides my work.
Shit. Maybe I’m more of an emotionless robot than I think.
“Your father, even though he was usually all business, was still very passionate about a good number of things. He had a number of hobbies and interests that kept him grounded. He also had an intellectual curiosity that kept him learning and growing. It’s what kept his mind sharp for so long,” she explains. “And honestly, it’s what your brother lacks – that intellectual curiosity. He’s fantastic at what he does, don’t get me wrong. But he’s so set in his ways and has no interest in learning new things, that eventually, he’s going to go stagnate. Unless he changes and finds that curiosity and passion within himself. Frankly, I kind of feared that you were headed down the same path.”
“Well, I’m definitely taking a leap based on nothing but emotion here,” I say. “Who knows if I’ll end up crashing and burning.”
She shrugs. “If you do, you do,” she says. “Life is an uncertain, messy thing. Especially when emotions get involved and everything seems so immediate. But, even in our pain, that’s what gives our lives such vibrancy. We have so little time in this world, shouldn’t we spend it being genuinely happy?”
“I don’t disagree.”
“And the only path to genuine happiness is to truly open yourself up to your emotions,” she says. “For the good and the bad, for the happy and the miserable, the only way you can ever be truly happy is to truly feel.”
I swallow down half of my drink and give her a broad grin. “When did you get so wise?”
“Oh, I’ve always been wise,” she says. “But you Clyburne boys are a stubborn lot. It takes a lot to get through those thick skulls of yours.”
I nod. “That is a true assessment.”
My mother isn’t wrong. I do hold tight to my emotions and my guard is always up. I do my best to avoid giving people anything in terms of thought or emotion. Frankly, I just don’t trust people enough to let them in. In my experience, people are always looking to get one over on you. They’ll take advantage of you in every conceivable way if you let them. It’s a sad fact of life. Oh, I have some good friends and people I do trust, but when it comes to humanity as a whole? I trust them about as far as I can throw a piano.
Something about Alexis, though, is changing me. She’s changing the way I not only relate to but interact with the world around me. I don’t understand it and can’t explain it, but for the first time in my life, I actually feel more open to things. More emotionally connected and engaged. I find myself open to the idea of love and happiness in ways I never even conceived of before.
I lean back on the couch, for the first time in a long time, actually feeling content. It’s a strange feeling –a feeling I’m definitely not used to.
But it’s also a feeling I think I can learn to enjoy. Now, I just need to snag that one special woman who’s been on my mind for so long to enjoy it with.