Strong Enough (Tall, Dark, and Dangerous #1)(58)

“I’ll call a cleaner.”

A cleaner.

“Like in the movies? Someone who works for the government and comes in to remove bodies and evidence?”

“Yes. Exactly like that.”

So very cloak and dagger.

Jasper rows us the rest of the way to the dock in complete silence. When he ties off, I stand up and climb out, leaving him behind. I turn to watch him haul himself out of the boat. He moves with ease.

“He didn’t hit you? When he fired at you, he didn’t hit you?”

Jasper shakes his head. “No.”

“You’re a good actor,” I observe with no small amount of bitterness. My heart nearly stopped I was so convinced Matt had shot Jasper, causing him to fall headfirst into the water.

“He thought I was too afraid to come after you. I let him think that.”

“So you weren’t afraid at all? Was anything you told me true?” My frozen blood starts to simmer with betrayal and humiliation. Anger eclipses fear. Bitterness swallows pain.

“It was all true. I’ve never lied to you.”

“Well it sure is convenient that you were able to throw off that fear tonight, now, isn’t it?” There’s poison in my tone. I let the fury lick through me, like flames eating up all other emotion, devouring every soft thing. Anything less than rage is weakness. And I can’t afford to be weak right now. Not when I’m dealing with Jasper.

“I suppose it was. It’s hard to be thankful for that kind of motivation, though.”

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a gun. You? An assassin? That’s ridiculous.”

An assassin. The word coats the inside of my mouth like sour chalk. My lips curl into a sneer.

“I wasn’t afraid of the gun,” he states flatly.

“Oh, then what was it that you feared more than you feared the water, pray tell?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest. My every word, my every action is laced with disbelief and resentment. I can’t seem to make myself behave civilly or rationally right now. This has all been just . . . too much.

“You.”

“Me?” His answer surprises me. I was expecting some pat excuse.

“Yes, you. Well the loss of you.”

My smile is as tart as my soul. “What a terrible bind that must’ve put you in! What happens if someone else kills one of your targets? Do you miss out on all that money, or do you share it, or . . . How does that work?”

“I could never hurt you.”

“And yet you have. Isn’t that a bitch?”

“Muse, I—”

“Save it!” I interrupt with a bark. “All I want from you right now is to borrow your car. I need to go to my father’s.”

“I can’t let you do that.” Before I can go completely off the deep end, he adds, “But I can take you.”

My lips tighten. I want to refuse him. Out of spite. Right now, I don’t want anything from Jasper, much less kindness. I’m clinging to the anger and the bitterness for dear life. The moment I let go of them, I feel I’ll just fall apart. And I can’t do that yet. I have too many questions. But I do need to get back to my father. And Jasper holds the only means by which to do so.

Swallowing a thick lump of resentment, I agree. I don’t really have much choice. “Fine. Let me get my things.” With that, I stalk off down the dock and across the yard to the cabin, flinging open the screen door and making my way toward the bedroom.

Angrily, I ball up my clothes, strewn here and there as Jasper and I left them after making love, and throw them into my suitcase. The ache in my chest as I think on those precious moments, moments that were nothing more than lies, goes deeper and deeper until I feel like it might gnaw right through my spine and leave nothing but a gaping hole in its wake.

I choke back a sob as I jerk the zipper closed and yank the case off the dresser. When I whirl around, Jasper is standing in the doorway, quiet and imposing. He’s watching me with his turbulent gold eyes, his expression not much different than it ever is. But I’ve gotten to know him well enough that I can see the subtle differences. I’ve memorized every nuance of his face, his body, the heart of the man I thought I was getting to know. That’s why I can see the tinge of regret crouching just beneath the surface.

A sob works its way up and out. I can’t deal with his softness now, his sweetness. Not now. I just can’t.

I stomp over to him, listing in one direction as I manage my luggage, and I throw my hand up between us. “Don’t.”

I hate that my voice breaks. Like a crack in a vase, I’m afraid that it will lead to total dissolution, so I grit my teeth against the surge of pain and I move past him.

Jasper catches my arm as I pass and he stops me. I don’t bother looking up at him. I keep my eyes trained straight ahead.

He holds me like this for long, tense minutes. I don’t know what he’s waiting for, but I know that I can’t stand it much longer.

One question pops out before I can stop it. “When?” Once it’s free, every muscle in my body clenches as I await the answer.

He doesn’t pretend not to know what I mean. As always, he’s extremely intuitive. He knows the question that’s eating a canker on my insides. Part of me has to know when he decided not to kill me. “I don’t know. I just knew that I couldn’t.”