Somewhere Out There(88)
Her mother sniffled, and Natalie reached for a tissue from the box on the coffee table. She handed it to her mother, who took it and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “I didn’t lose just one baby,” she said. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“What?” Natalie gasped. “Oh, Mom—” she said, but her mother cut her off by holding up her hand.
“It wasn’t another miscarriage,” she said, “if that’s what you’re thinking.” She looked out the window, and then back at Natalie. “It was a year after my hysterectomy, when your father and I first decided to adopt. The agency connected us to a young girl who was seven months along. Back then, most adoptions were closed, but this girl wanted to meet us. We were so anxious to have a child, we did what she asked.”
Natalie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How many other secrets had her parents kept from her over the years? She swallowed back the swell of emotion that filled her chest and managed to stay silent, anxious to listen to the rest of the story.
Her mother crossed her long legs, then grabbed a throw pillow, holding it in her lap. “She was eighteen,” she said. “And so confident that giving her baby to us was the right thing to do. She wanted to go to college. She wanted to have her own life before being responsible for someone else.” She stared out the window again, as though she were watching her memories play out against the dark night sky. “We did everything for her. We paid her medical bills. We gave her money for groceries and maternity clothes. She still lived with her parents, and they seemed so happy to know we were going to be the recipients of their grandchild. We talked about the pictures I’d send them every Christmas. I promised that when our baby was old enough, I would make sure to tell her that she was loved by her birth family, and that she could reach out to them if she wanted to, when she turned eighteen. We did everything right.”
Natalie realized she was holding her breath, spellbound as she traveled with her mother into the past. She both dreaded and desired to find out what happened next.
“We were there for the birth,” her mother continued, in a detached voice, as though she were describing some dry, mechanical procedure. “She wanted us there, in the room, with her. We stood on either side of her, holding her up, helping her push our baby girl into the world. And when the doctor cut the cord and the nurse started to hand her the baby, she motioned that I should be the first to hold her.” She paused, and her chin trembled before she went on. “I’ll never forget that moment, Natalie, when I held that child in my arms. I felt like everything I ever wanted was wrapped up in that thin, pink blanket. I knew this little girl was meant to be mine. We all cried, and before we went home, your father and I thanked the birth mother over and over again. She said she wanted to sleep, and our baby girl went to the nursery for the night.” Natalie’s mom finally looked at Natalie again, her eyes brimming with shiny tears. “Our attorney called us at five in the morning to tell us she’d changed her mind. She wanted to keep the baby. The adoption paperwork hadn’t been finalized by the court, so there was nothing we could do. The law was on her side. It was over. We never saw either of them again.”
Natalie got up and moved to sit back down next to her mother. “Oh, god, Mom. I’m so sorry. I had no idea . . . I can’t imagine.”
Her mother nodded her head, once, pressing her lips together.
Natalie removed the pillow from her mother’s lap and took her ice-cold hand into her own. So much made sense now. Her mother’s reticence about anything related to her birth mom, why she hadn’t told Natalie about Brooke. Any piece of the truth she might have relinquished must have seemed like a threat, something that could steal Natalie away. In her mind, her mother did the only thing she could think of to keep from experiencing another devastating loss. She closed the door to the past and never opened it again.
“What was her name?” Natalie asked.
“The mother’s?”
“No. The baby’s.”
“Oh,” her mom whispered. “We called her Ashley. Ashley Rose.”
And then Natalie felt tears fill her own eyes. Her middle name was Rose, too.
“The whole experience,” her mother said, “losing Ashley like that, was the reason why after we found you, your father and I decided we wouldn’t adopt again. We were too afraid of going through another painful disappointment. And I was terrified if we had adopted Brooke along with you, your birth mother would be more likely to come along and take you both away from us. I guess I thought if she still had the chance to get your sister back, she’d leave you for us to keep.” She let loose a strangled laugh. “Which is completely irrational, I realize, but at the time, it was how I felt. It made sense. All I thought about was protecting you. It’s all I can think about now.”
Natalie nodded. “I understand, Mom. Thank you for telling me this. For trusting me with it.” She squeezed her mother’s hand and leaned over to give her a hug.
“I love you so much, Natalie,” her mother whispered in her ear. “I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you. I never meant . . .”
Natalie pulled away before her mom could continue and used a thumb to wipe away her mother’s tears. “It’s okay. I love you, too. And I get why you made the decisions you did. But please, you have to know that no one can take me away from you. I’m not going to love you and Dad any less with Brooke in my life. If I meet my birth mother, there’s nothing she could say or do to change the fact that you are my mother. I’m not going anywhere with anyone. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”