Sometimes Moments (Sometimes Moments, #1)(48)

Peyton continued to stroke the tattoo of her name on him. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She wasn’t sure how to feel. Wasn’t sure who she was in this moment. So she let her eyelids fall, trying to rekindle the hate she had for him. It was still there. It lingered. Not quite touching her heart’s surface.

“Please say something, Peyton.”

His soft plea had her opening her eyes to stare into the grey ones that had undone her all over again.

“Why didn’t you just—”

“I couldn’t,” he said, interrupting her.

The way his lips formed a frown had Peyton wanting to touch hers to his. She wanted to take away the pain, the guilt, and the secrets. But she knew it herself. She couldn’t set him completely free. That was all him. She could only get him so far.

I love you, Peyton.

She tensed at the thought. He’d said it. Twice. Never in the space of their relationship had he ever said those words to her. She didn’t trust the words he’d breathed against her ear as he’d found a slow rhythm that connected them in the most intimate of ways. She felt and heard her heart die inside her chest. The denial that she didn’t love him was ultimately crushed. They were right. They all were. She was still in love with him.

“We should go,” he said, shifting under her and attempting to pull out.

But Peyton gripped his wrist tighter. Her mind had finally succumbed to her heart’s persuasion. Her brain had betrayed the rest of her.

I need him to stay. Right here. Enough to let me have this before he takes it away. I need these sometimes moments.

He turned his head and stared at the way her hands wrapped around his wrist before he met her glance.

Peyton blinked and she breathed out. “Okay,” she replied, not really sure how these after-sex chats go.

“It’s been a while for me, Peyton, but I swear I’m clean.”

She nodded and relaxed her grip on his arms. Slowly, her thumb followed the branches of his tattoo. Once she circled the petals of a cherry blossom, he flinched, slightly thrusting inside her. A soft gasp escaped her lips at the surprise movement.

Don’t turn this into anything more, Peyton. You know what happens. He leaves. You stay. Don’t make this more. Make it a now.

“Peyton, I can’t be inside you like this. It shouldn’t have been this way. I don’t want to end up f*cking you when you don’t deserve that,” Callum said as he slowly pulled out and removed himself from on top of Peyton’s body.

Peyton sat up then reached for her clothes. Without a word, they both dressed themselves. Callum’s back was towards her, and she noticed the flames of the fire dance against his skin. Peyton reached for her boots, unsure of exactly when he’d taken them off her. The moment their lips had met, her traitor brain hadn’t responded. Next she slipped them on and then her coat.

She crossed her legs and stared at the fire, not really sure what to say. The last time they’d made love, she’d lain in his arms until almost sunrise. Before they had packed up their things, he had dressed her and made her feel cherished. But this time, Peyton felt cheap and not of standard. She hung her head in shame and crossed her arms over her chest.

“How long has it been for you, Peyton?” he asked.

She turned to face him. His body was tense as he waited. “Don’t worry. I’m clean, too, Callum.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” he said. “I could tell.”

He could?

Peyton uncrossed her arms and let her hands fall to her lap. “How long has it been for you?” she asked, stalling.

“Months,” he answered.

Her heart burned and then plunged. He had been with other women since her. She had known that, but it hurt to hear. Somewhere inside her, the old Peyton sobbed. The same Peyton who believed they would be forever.

“I need to hear you say it, Peyton. I need you to tell me that you’ve had others. I need you to say it. I need to hear it.”

And there it was. The same voice. The same desperation. The same way he’d said that he loved her.

Peyton stood up and took a deep breath. She didn’t look at him. Instead, she gazed out past the trees. Tonight wasn’t what she’d expected. She definitely hadn’t thought her resilience would break and she’d sleep with him.

“Would you rather I lie to you, Callum? I’m not the liar here.” Peyton’s focus shifted down to see him staring at the small fire. It was like his eyes flashed with every single fear that he had. His frown was one she didn’t like to see.

“I haven’t lied to you, Peyton.”

She balled her hands. “No. You just don’t tell me the truth.”

Callum reached over, took the bottle of water that was next to the pit, and poured it over the fire. Peyton watched the fire extinguish and stepped off the blanket in time for Callum to pick it up off the ground.

He faced her. “The moment that I decided to come back to Daylesford, my intentions were to never sleep with you, Peyton. As I drove into town, I hoped you were with someone. The love of your life. Anyone. I didn’t care who. I just wanted you to be unavailable to me. When I saw that ring, I was relieved. I was also jealous. But I was relieved because it meant I couldn’t touch you. I don’t lie to you, Peyton. I never have. I’ve kept things, but I haven’t lied. I have never lied.”