Something Real (Whiskey Men, #2)(42)

She looks so sad for just a minute and then just like that, her expression is blank. She lifts her chin at me. “No, we shouldn’t have. You want more than I’m ready to give.”

“Bullshit. You’re scared, Lily. You’re scared of what you’re feeling for me and Ollie. I saw you back there. You love that little boy.”

She nods, and her heart is in her eyes. “I do. You’re right, I do love Ollie, but I shouldn’t. I should have protected him because I’m not a good bet, Ford. I told you in the beginning I didn’t want this.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to catch my breath and keep my cool. I drop my hands from the car and take a step back. I visibly shudder, feeling defeated, and I pace back in forth in front of her. “I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.”

She stands rigidly, her arms crossed over her body. “You don’t get what, Ford? What don’t you get?”

I stop in front of her, overcome with emotion. “What is it about me that makes people want to walk away from me? Everyone I loved or hell, thought I loved has walked away from me. My mom, my ex-wife. What makes it so damn easy to walk away from me?”

My gaze clouds with tears, and I walk away. I only get a few steps when Lily calls my name. I turn, not even trying to hide the anguish on my face. “You deserve happiness, Lilian. Even if you don’t choose me and Ollie, you deserve to be happy and go after what you want. I don’t want to hold you back. I want to give you everything you want. But it’s up to you now. I can’t force you to choose me. To choose us. But hear this—no one will love you like I do, Lilian. If me letting you go makes you happy, I’ll do it. Even if it kills me. I just want you to be happy.”

I turn back around and walk toward my car. I get in and barely get it started before I’m backing out of the parking spot and pulling out onto the road. I wipe at the damn tear in my eye. For a man that never shows emotion, I sure let it go. But I knew it would happen. If anyone can bring this kind of emotion out of me, it would be Lily.

I drive across town. I pass the office and instead go home. I’ve put in a full day, and I need a breather before I have to turn around and go pick up Ollie when school ends.

Fuck, a drink would be nice right now to help dull the pain, but I don’t have that option. No, I’m going to have to deal with this sober.





Lilian





I sat in the school parking lot and bawled my eyes out. I tried to control it, but I couldn't. When I was finally able to pull myself together enough to drive home, I went straight to bed. I did finally text my sister back. “I can’t make it tonight. I have a work thing but I’ll be by this weekend.”

After that, I turned my phone off and cried some more.

On Saturday, I got dressed and was going to go talk to Philip and Carrie, but just thinking about Ford and Ollie had me crying all over again. I know when I eventually make it to my sister’s house, I need to be supportive, and I need one more day to bury myself in my own misery before I can do that.

By Saturday afternoon, I had put on my sweatpants and a T-shirt. I went through the pictures I took and edited them before I uploaded them to the store in Jasper that does one hour processing.

I drove into Jasper to pick up a gift card for Ollie and a photo album with the printed picture and some wrapping paper. I sat in the parking lot of the store, going through the pictures, pulling out the doubles of the ones I wanted to have a copy of. And then I cried some more.

By Sunday morning, I’m sick of myself and know I need to pull myself together. I turn my phone on and immediately text Carrie and tell her I’m bringing over brunch. I figure I’ll go there and then head over to the trampoline park for Ollie’s birthday party. Surely by then I can put a smile on my face. I’m going to have to.

I check my email to make sure I haven’t missed anything important, and an email from Ford is jumping out at me. I hold my breath and open it, scanning it quickly. After reading it once, I read it again.

“You deserve everything you want out of life. You deserve happiness. All my love, Ford.”

I go on to see that he has bought me an opportunity to study two weeks with Aron Roco, a world-renowned photographer based out of New York City. The email contains all the information. Ford has paid for the flight there and lodging. He’s taken care of all the details.

I should be happy, but instead I feel almost hollow. He’s giving me something I’ve dreamed about—he’s handing it to me—and I’m discovering that it’s not really my dream anymore.

All I’ve thought about since Friday was when Ford asked me why he was so easy to walk away from. Damn, he completely gutted me, and the truth is, it’s not easy at all. I need to talk to my sister. I can go with her to help her get moved in and settled, but I will be coming back. I have to because I know when I go, I’ll be leaving my heart here.

I put my phone in my cup holder and drive across town. I stop in at Red’s Diner and get some breakfast to go and then head to Philip and Carrie’s apartment. When I pull in, Carrie’s outside, walking her poodle.

“Hey!” she says with a big smile on her face.

I know I probably still look a mess. I can’t hide things from her, and my face is blotchy even with the makeup on it. That’s why I’m going to get straight to the point.