So Much More(84)

“Yes,” I say without thinking.

And then he spreads my butt cheeks with his hands, and I feel something slick and warm against my behind. And then he starts pushing his way in, but it ain’t my privates. It don’t feel right. “Relax,” he reminds me.

But I can’t relax. I don’t understand what’s happening.

He stops moving. “Breathe.” The way he says it makes me wanna please him. So, even though I can’t relax, I take a few deep breaths.

“That’s it,” he says it like my favorite teacher does when I answer a question right.

But then he starts pushing again, and all I wanna do is push him back out. He’s going slow, but it don’t stop the bad feelings. I feel yucky and like I need to go potty. “I don’t like it,” I blurt. I shouldn’t have said nothing, but I can’t keep it in.

“You’re doing just fine. You’ll be fine. Just keep breathing.” He pulls back a little bit, and it feels better, but then he pushes back in real fast. “I’m sorry, this feels too good. It will be over quick. Don’t think about it.”

And then it hurts. It hurts real bad. He’s holding my hips tight. I can’t get away. I can hear his skin slapping against mine, and he’s talking, but I don’t hear most of it ‘cause the pain’s making it hard for me to hear. It’s like I’m wrapped up in a blanket, only it ain’t my favorite blanket Grandma Tressa made me, this blanket’s made of hurt and pain.

I’m crying out, “Please stop, it hurts! It hurts! Please stop!”

But he don’t, not until I hear him yell, “Fuck me, your ass is so tight.”

When he pulls out, the pain’s still there. I don’t wanna look at him, ‘cause he hurt me.

He goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up, and when he comes back to me, I’m lying on the floor crying.

He pulls me into his lap and holds me. It’s real gentle, just like when I held a puppy from the neighbor’s dog’s litter when I was little. “Listen to me, Jane. You’re my special girlfriend. I’m sorry that hurt, but you made me feel so good, beautiful. And I needed our last time together to be special. When I leave today, you’ll never see me again.”

I look up at him. “What about school?”

He shakes his head. “I won’t be there. But we’ll always keep our secret. We won’t tell anyone about our special time together.”

“I’ll never tell no one,” I promise.

He smiles the smile where I can count all his teeth. “Good.”

And then he sets me on the floor, and he gets up and leaves.

And I wonder if he meant what he said and if he won’t be at school tomorrow.





*****





Dan wasn’t at school the next day.

I didn’t see him at lunch or in the hallways between classes.

It makes me sad that he’s gone, ‘cause he’s my only friend.

Just to be sure I stop by the office after school and ask Mrs. Peacock, the school secretary, ‘cause the first day of school she told me if I ever had questions I could always ask her. “Is Dan gone? Did he leave for good?”

She looks confused. “Dan? Dan who, sweetie? Do you know his last name?”

I don’t know his last name, so I shake my head and tell her what I do know. “Dan. He sweeps the cafeteria after we make it dirty at lunchtime.”

Her eyes change like she knows the Dan I’m talking about. “Oh, Dan Crestmoor, the custodian. I’m sorry, sweetie, he no longer works here. He called this morning and said he had a family emergency and his family needs him out of state. His elderly mother is sick. He was moving today.” She’s smiling when she says it, like she don’t know her words are making me sad.

Poor Dan. I’m sad his mama’s sick. I hope he can make it better when he gets there.





*****





Going to school is hard when you’re pregnant. The other kids tease me more than usual. They call me a slut and a whore. I try to ignore ‘em, but it hurts my feelings. I already hear those words enough at home from Mama.





*****





My belly’s getting real big. Mama says my baby girl’s gonna be born soon. Mama also says I’m too young and can’t handle a baby, especially since I ain’t married, so she found a family to be my baby’s new family when she’s born. Adoption she calls it. That makes me sad, but Mama says that’s how it’s gotta be. I haven’t met the new family, but they must be real nice, ‘cause they bought Mama a new car. She says it’s a Toyota Corolla. It’s light blue, her favorite color, and the air conditioning blows real cold. She smiles real big when she drives it. Only it’s the kind of smile that don’t make me happy, and I don’t know why.





You were my hope





present





And then Hope begins the story that I’ve been waiting twenty-two years to hear. “You were born on a hot July day in this room. July thirtieth.”

I clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle my sob. That’s my birthday. The tears blur my vision instantly making Hope only a fuzzy outline in front of me. I tug her hand and urge her into the hallway and back out into the maternity ward reception area before I ask her to continue and tell me everything she remembers. And not to leave anything out.