Slow Agony (Assassins, #2)(52)

“Give me a second here, doll.”

“I knew I should have gotten the IUD. But Naomi had one, and she said it was awful, and that she had her period constantly for six months, and I didn’t want that to happen, so I thought the NuvaRing was a good compromise. And now, I feel like a complete idiot—”

He grabbed my hand and yanked me down on the couch next to him. “Keep your voice down. You’ll wake everyone up.”

I closed my mouth and stared down at my hands, feeling confused and scared and ashamed. Just like last time. I’d told myself it would be better with Griffin here. But he was mad at me, and his presence didn’t make one bit of difference.

He squeezed my hand. “So, what should we do?”

I peered up at him. “I don’t know.”

He looked up at the ceiling. “If you were pregnant again, would you want...?” He drew in a noisy breath. “I don’t want you to feel pressured by me. If you aren’t ready, then it would be horrible for us to go through with it.”

I opened my mouth and closed it. That was seriously the last thing I’d ever expected him to say. “But Griffin, you want a baby, don’t you?”

“I...” He pulled his hand away. “I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of choosing to get rid of a baby. It makes me feel...” He looked into my eyes, pleading. “I thought I explained this to you? The biological stuff?”

“So you don’t want one?”

“I didn’t say that,” he said. “What do you want?”

I took a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to have another abortion.”

“No?”

I looked at my hands again. “It’s hormones and stuff, and I know that, but I was so depressed afterwards. And I...” I got off the couch again. I walked over to the entertainment center and began toying with the ceramic figurines his mother decorated with. “I don’t feel guilty about what I did. Not really. But that doesn’t meant I don’t think about what would have happened if I hadn’t gone through with the abortion. I mean, actually, I try not to. Because it only makes me sad, and I don’t want to feel sad about it. I don’t want to think about it at all. Sometimes, it’s...” I turned back to Griffin.

He was watching me, his expression tough to read.

I set down the figurine. “If I’m pregnant, it’s hard for me not to feel like we’re getting a second chance. Like it’s a sign that it’s meant to be, you know?”

“You really mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

“You’re not saying it because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

“No,” I said. “I can’t figure you right now, anyway. I don’t know what you want to hear.”

“I don’t either.” His mouth tugged into a rueful half-smile. “Jesus, doll, it’s weird. I remember the way I felt back in Thomas when you told me about the abortion, and I remember how much rage I felt. Like you stole something from me. You did it all behind my back. I was so self-righteously angry. I was sure that if you’d told me beforehand that you were pregnant, I would have wanted us to keep the baby.”

“Wouldn’t you?”

He swallowed. “I’m not sure.”

He had to be joking. “You can’t tell me that now you want me to—”

“No,” he said. “No.” He crossed the room to me and pulled me into his arms. He wrapped himself around me, whispering into my hair that he loved me. And it was only at that moment that I started to feel better. Griffin’s touch made me feel stronger. When we were connected, we were better than when we were alone. “Maybe it’s only because there’s a psycho chasing us, and I’m not sure if we’re going to live through this.”

“Yeah, being imprisoned in your mother’s basement is not the ideal time to think about having babies.”

He put a finger under my chin and tilted it up so that I was looking at him. “But if we’re going to have a baby, then we’ll have to deal with it.”

“Deal with it?” Maybe I was crazy, but part of the whole reason I hadn’t had the baby before was that I imagined the idea of pregnancy as something good and exciting and wanted. Not an inconvenience.

“Yeah, is there something wrong with dealing with it?”

“I...” I pushed away from him. “I thought you’d be happy. Well, I hoped you would. I thought you wanted—”

“We don’t even know, Leigh,” he said. “All we’re going on here is that you forgot your birth control.”

I nodded. He was right. “That’s true.”

He touched my arm. “Hey.”

“What?”  “If you are pregnant, and you want it, then I want it.”

I gazed into his gray eyes. “You do?”

He kissed me. “Yes. Hell, yes. I’m just worried. I can’t protect my family from Marcel. I can’t stop Marcel. I mean, how can I possibly have a child on top of that?”

“We’ll fix this thing with Marcel first.”

“How?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I said. “But I don’t think hiding down here is helping us. We’re treading water. We have to go on the offense.”