Sinner's Creed (Sinner's Creed #1)(67)

Saylor was devout in her faith, but she was also human. Knowing she was near death was good for me because I could make her life on earth whatever she wanted. But, for her, it was one step closer to the unknown. We could say we believe all day, but faith can only take us so far. At some point, our human brain tells us we are leaving the only thing we’ve ever known and it is up to a supernatural being to determine our afterlife. It’s not logical.

My best advice to Saylor when the time neared would be to not overthink it. It wasn’t original or inspiring, but it was the best I had.

—

I try to be in a good mood the next morning, but I fail. I do manage to make her smile when I bring her doughnuts, but even that isn’t enough to make this sick feeling in my gut go away.

Donnawayne and Jeffery wanted to go, but she asked them to stay behind. They respected her wishes and promised to be at her apartment when we got back, but Donnawayne’s hatred for me grew when he found out I was going. Oh well, he would have to get used to me or get the f*ck over it. I wasn’t going anywhere.

When we are finally called into the doctor’s office, Saylor is placed into a CAT scan machine, and then we are ushered into a room to wait for the doctor. I thought it took days to get results back, but it seemed they didn’t want to waste any time. The thought was unsettling. But now, here we are, at the oncology clinic in a private room, and Saylor is performing her eye-closing, hand-touching, nose-sniffing ritual. When she is finished, she looks at me and smiles, and I smile back. I’ve gotten better at it and she likes it, so I’m sure I’ll be a professional at it in no time.

When the doctor knocks on the door, I stand next to Saylor and hold her hand, noticing the tension leave her shoulders at my touch.

“Miss Samson!” the doctor sings, and he is the happiest bastard I’ve ever met in my life. I wonder if he is putting on a good show or just a sick f*ck who gets pleasure out of telling people they are dying. If it’s the latter, I’ll kill him.

“This must be Dirk.” He beams at me and sticks out his hand. Not wanting to be rude to the man that could potentially save the love of my life, I shake it. “Saylor has told me a lot about you over the years. I’m glad to finally see the two of you together.”

My eyes go to Saylor but she is avoiding my stare. Years? We’d been together weeks, not years. “I’m Dr. Beasley, the patient counselor.” His badge read clinic psychiatrist, but I guess that was more intimidating than counselor.

“I’ve known Saylor a long time.” He smiles fondly at Saylor, and I shift. I don’t like how he looks at her. Even though he is old enough to be her grandfather.

“What you got for me, Doc? I know they didn’t send you in here to say hello.” Saylor cuts right through the bullshit and I feel pride swell in my chest.

“No, they didn’t.” His smile doesn’t reach his eyes and I know the news isn’t good. “Saylor, they want you to try chemo. Now, you know that won’t stop this, but they would like to see if it slows it down. It’s more advanced than what your mama had, but it still has some pretty intense side effects. The team is pretty sure you’re strong enough to handle it, but we understand if you don’t want to do it.”

“Why? How much more time would I actually get out of doing this?” Saylor seems almost angry at the thought of going through this, and I move my thumb over her hand. When she looks up at me, I smile. She returns it, but it’s weak.

The doctor takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. I know he is debating on telling the whole truth or just what she needs to hear. When he sighs and takes a deep breath, I’m pretty sure what we are fixing to get is the truth, no matter how much it’s gonna kill him to say it.

“For you? Maybe a month or two longer. According to your CT results, the tumor hasn’t changed in size, so we’re pretty sure the treatment will help to shrink it, giving you the month or two longer I mentioned. But, as you already know, the quality of life is gonna go down drastically. The drug is powerful. You’ll lose your hair, be sick quite often, and possibly hospitalized for days at a time. You can stop whenever you want, but if you decide to do this, we are gonna need at least six weeks of treatment to make it worth doing.” He pauses to take a breath and Saylor finds her opening to ask what’s on both of our minds.

“So, you’re telling me my quality of life will go down. Even if it does prolong my life it wouldn’t be worth it. Why would I do that?”

“Another benefit is research. If we test it on you and see the tumor shrinks in size, we can get funded for more research on cases like yours. It’s very rare, but the number of patients diagnosed with your type of tumor has increased significantly over the past few years, and we want to find something to treat it or slow it down.”

“You want to try this on me, in hopes that it will shrink it so you can get funded to hopefully invent something that can prevent this in other families in the future?” Saylor is waiting for his confirmation that they’re using her as their f*cking guinea pig. The last six months of her life won’t be spent in a hospital, while she withers away and dies. It will be spent doing things she’s never done, seeing places she’s never seen and spending time with me . . . Those were her words. Not mine.

“Advances have been made in being able to diagnose these tumors and differentiate them from other brain tumors. What I’m asking you to do may just offer these people some hope, treatment to prolong their lives, and possibly even a cure.” I’ve heard enough. I’m ready to get Saylor the hell outta here. I hoped they found a cure, just not at the expense of my girl. I stand, reaching my hand out to hers. But, before I can move, Saylor is speaking, and her words paralyze me.