Sinful Longing (Sinful Nights, #3)(58)

She shook her head. “No. I’m not. I’m just putting it out there. This is the social worker in me. But I think you beat yourself up because you used, and she used. And maybe seeing her once will help you to let go of the hate you feel toward her. Because it’s really a part of yourself that you’re mad at.”

He didn’t say anything at first, just ran his hand over his chin and exhaled hard as he stared at the stream. A small bead of worry wormed through her, and she hoped she hadn’t crossed a line with her suggestion, but she didn’t want to take it back, either. She truly wanted him to consider it. “I think seeing her would be less about her and more about you. Almost as a way of making that last amends to yourself,” she said, tapping his chest lightly. “To forgive yourself.”

He looked at her, the corner of his lips curving. “You’re too smart for my own good. So I’ll tell you what. I don’t know that I want to see her, but I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Warmth spread through her at the possibility. She did what she did for a living in order to make a difference, and she wanted to be able to do that for the man she was falling for, too.

“Now I have a question for you,” he said. “Is this from experience? Did you hate Sam?”

She answered immediately. “No. I felt sorry for him. I was sad for him. I felt completely helpless. But I had to let go of all those feelings. He wasn’t a good dad. He wasn’t a good man, and there was nothing I could do to change him. I had to stop fighting all the battles with him. I couldn’t make him a better father. I couldn’t make him stop using.”

He nodded sagely. “You can’t make anyone hit bottom. They have to find it on their own. And man, am I ever glad I found mine. Even if it took collapsing in a race to do it,” he said with a wry note in his voice. “But hey, I’ve come far since then. Hell, I wasn’t even tempted when I saw those pills at your house today.”

She was glad to hear that, but still, she planned to throw them out tonight. She didn’t want to risk it.

*

Forgiveness was granted in all of a minute by the fourteen-year-old.

“He’s your brother?” Alex’s jaw dropped, and then he asked Colin for every last detail.

Colin gladly shared the story with Elle’s son over pizza at Gigi’s Pizzeria that night. Alex shook his head in amazement in between bites of cheese pie and drinks of soda. Organic pizza for Colin, of course.

When he was done, Alex said, “I guess I can let it slide, this time, that you missed my mom’s match. That’s a good enough reason. Even though there’s no next time. She’s out for the season.”

“You know what that means?” Colin said, as the waitress cleared the table. “When the Fishnet Brigade wins big, we need to plan an awesome celebration for her and all she did to get the team there.”

“Totally.”

Elle didn’t say much. She simply smiled, and nothing could have made Colin happier than seeing her relaxed and comfortable at dinner with him and the most important person in the world to her. She’d come so far. They’d made it past so much already. He’d never expected to knock down her walls so soon—or at all. But it had happened, and here he was, making his way to the other side with her.

When the check came, Elle reached for it, but he grabbed it sooner and paid. As they left the pizzeria, Colin tossed out a question to Alex. “Ever been to the Zombie Apocalypse store?”

“No,” he said, his eyes wide and curious. “What’s that?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. It’s over in Chinatown. It’s a small shop where you can work on your skills in preparation to do battle with the undead. It’s tongue-in-cheek, lots of novelty items, but it’s all good fun.”

“Mom, can we go?” Alex asked, looking like a dog asking for a bone.

“Only if we can go now,” Elle answered.

The three of them spent the next hour in the odd little store, where Alex plied the store manager for tips on how to stay ahead of the brain-eaters.

It was as perfect a night as a night could be, and Colin wanted to remember it as the start of this whole new chapter with the woman he adored.

*

After Alex crashed into bed, Elle grabbed the bottle of pills from her living room table so she could toss them in the trash. On the way to the kitchen, she peered through the orange case. Hmm. She could have sworn there was half of a pill in there from last night. But it was missing now. Twisting open the bottle, she reached inside and counted each one.

The half was gone.

Her stomach plummeted then twisted itself into knots. She winced and looked away from, then back at, the pill container.

No.

She told herself not to panic. He didn’t take it. He simply couldn’t have. She cycled back to last night, and bits and pieces of her own hazy memory played before her eyes. She’d reached for that other half, right? She couldn’t remember taking it. But clearly she must have.

Colin wasn’t Sam.

History wasn’t repeating itself.

This wasn’t déjà vu.

Besides, Colin had distinctly told her he wasn’t even tempted, so she refused to let her mind wander that way. Trust was a choice, and she was making this one. It was the right choice. No question about it.

Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply, letting the air settle. No reason to worry. No reason to doubt.