Shine Not Burn(4)

“Hey!” I protested, reaching for it.

She handed it over to Kelly, keeping her grip tight on my shoulders. “Just relax. We’re here to help.”

“Oh my pink granny panties, did he actually just send this to you in a text? What a total douchebag McGee.” She looked at me with her patented WTF expression. “Seriously, Andie, you so need to kick him in the balls when you get back.”

“Whatsit say?” asked Candice, letting go of me and reaching for the phone.

“Read it and weep.” Kelly gave me a pity frown as she handed the phone to Candice.

Two seconds later, Candice was typing something out on it.

“No!” I said, reaching for it. “Don’t!”

“Too late! Too late!” she sang, dancing around in a small circle, holding the phone above her head.

I jumped up and snatched it away from her so I could read the very short conversation.

Luke: I can’t believe you’re going. Have a nice life.

Andi’s phone: Have a nice life yourself, assbag.

“Wow. Thanks, Candice. That was awesome.” My thumb hovered over the keys, ready to type out an explanation. An apology. Something.

Candice grabbed me by the arm and dragged me over to a group of empty seats inside our boarding area. “Listen to me, Andie. Before you send him another text, consider this...”

I sat down letting out a huff of frustration. I had already reached my vacation destination. Welcome to Sucksville! Next stop: Shit City!

Candice continued. “Luke’s been sucking the life out of you for three whole years. Three years! And in all that time, what has he done, other than annoy the crap out of your best friends and make you cry? Huh? What has he done to deserve your undying loyalty? I don’t get it.”

“He’s not that bad,” I said, feeling a little guilty as I said it. My grandmother had always told me even little white lies were bad lies.

“Not that bad? Yeah, right. What did he get you for Valentine’s Day this year? Oh yeeeaaah, that’s right! A gift certificate towards liposuction! Wasn’t that thoughtful.” She rolled her eyes and threw up a hand for emphasis.

“Not,” interjected Kelly.

“He knows I don’t like my love handles on the top of my butt,” I said, knowing as the words left my lips how incredibly lame I sounded. Why do I keep allowing this stuff to happen? How can I call myself a strong intelligent woman when I act like a complete loser with men?

“Right. Whatever.” Candice was disgusted. “Talk about keeping a woman down. And what did he do the last time you went out of town for work? Oh, yeah. I remember now! He made out with his secretary at the office party!” She threw both her hands up and let them fall to slap the top of her thighs.

“He was drunk. They were both drunk. He told me about it, so it’s not like he was hiding it.” I remembered the sharp pain of humiliation over that one. It came back full force every time I thought about it, which was way too often.

Kelly sat down on my other side. “Please stop making excuses for that shitheel, would you? He confessed because everyone in the entire firm saw it, and he knew you were going to find out sooner or later.” She put her arm around me and squeezed. “He’s a crap boyfriend and a crap guy in general. Please just let him go and move on. Please, please don’t go back to him. He’s offering you a golden opportunity right now.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re marrying Matty the mortician next week.”

“Yes, well, if you recall, I kissed a lot of hairy, warty toads before I found my prince.”

“Yeah. Remember Bruno from Italy?” asked Candice, giggling.

“How could I forget?” I asked, smiling too. Misery loves company. “Bruno, the one-balled wonder.”

“Hey, he can’t help it that he’s missing a testicle,” said Kelly, trying really hard to be offended but not quite hitting the mark.

“Uh, yeah he can, when he’s the one who made it fall off,” said Candice, snorting.

Kelly sighed with exaggerated patience. “It didn’t fall off, okay? I’ve told you a hundred times, Candice, he had it surgically removed.”

I couldn’t stop smiling despite being pissed off about that stupid text and the idea that the first thing I’d have to do when I got back would be to pack up his crap and deliver it to his apartment … although it would be nice to get my closet back. “And why exactly did Bruno have his own testicle surgically removed?” I asked, pretending I didn’t know the answer.

Kelly shrugged. “I guess he had too much testosterone or something.”

Candice snorted again, bending over a little with the giggles that were coming more uncontrollably now.

I sat back in my seat and crossed one leg over the other. “I thought he injected himself in the ball sack with some black market steroids and caused an infection down there that made one of them shrivel up and fall off.”

Candice was laughing loudly now, her guffaws sprinkled liberally with very unattractive pig-snorts.

“Shut up, Andie. The guy almost died. You shouldn’t be making fun of him.” Kelly pressed her lips together to keep from smiling.

I reached over and pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Poor old one-ball. He deserves our pity not our mockery.”