She Dims the Stars(56)

Depression is an ugly, ugly thing. It starts small and grows until it's like those vines around trees that envelope the entire plant until it's suffocated and the intruder is satisfied and full because it's taken the host's life source. Even when you are doing your very best to fight it, depression and anxiety kinda hold your hand and pop in every once in a while like that annoying neighbor you try to deter from visiting by turning off your porch light. They know you're home, though. They persist. It persists.

Even on medication that is supposed to help with this mess, the depression creeps in. It hovers and seeps and tries to vine its way in. But I fight. You fight. They fight. Every day we face the battle to hold the hand of the one who keeps us down or look up and hope that we can say that today was a good day.

So trust me when I say that I know about 90% of what you're going through. And because of that you are NOT alone. Some of us are silent in our suffering and others will look you straight in the eye and say that we're in pain. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter which side of the fence you're on you need to hear something that will make you see the light and the only thing I can offer is this:

I am glad you're alive. I'm glad you were born. I'm glad you're still here.

You keep up the good fight, okay?

You are the hero in this game. Don’t you ever forget it.



Xoxox,

Amber L. Johnson



First and foremost I have to thank my husband and my son for giving me a month and a half of Sundays to complete this book. AJ and EJ, those precious few hours you gave me in a quiet house made all of this possible. A, thank you for always being my inspiration, you video game creating genius. E, I’m sorry I ate all the Halloween candy in the process of getting this finished. Mostly. I’m mostly sorry I ate it all. There are a few pieces left in the freezer.

I tried to find a way to thank Dylan O’Brien for his face, Miles Teller for his mannerisms, and coffee for getting me through all those early mornings without sounding like a weirdo, but that’s not going to happen. It is what it is.

Stephanie DeBear, my writing partner, critique partner, and the reason half of the weirdest pieces of the dialogue in this book exist thanks to our real life texts - Thank you. We both know I’m crazy, but you signed on for life, and you can’t back out now. It’s in the contract. Your genuine enthusiasm to see me be successful makes me want to cry, but that would ruin my make up so let’s stop that right now. Our collective brains are now responsible for rainbow poop shitting unicorns, penis throwing octopi, and scrotum beetles. Our parents are so proud.

Lori Wilt, thank you for loving Audrey and Elliot for the last three years, back when they were part of a YA book called ‘Falling for the Girl Next Door.’ I know they don’t resemble the original characters much, but you’ve stuck by my side as I trudged my way through this process and chipped away at them until they became who I wanted them to be. You’re the driving force in all of my soundtracks.

Amber Sachs, Lynsey Johnson, Dani Hart, Angela Williams, Nicki Firman, and Mandy Arthur: reading your feedback and responses as you experienced the book was such a joy for me. You helped me in more ways than you will ever know, the biggest of which being to push me to actually publish this book and to keep writing, no matter how hard it was at the time. You kept me going. I owe you big time. And I adore you endlessly.

Thank you to my editors: April Brumley, thank you for swooping in so fast and for turning things around just as quickly. I swear I will never call a man’s bathing suit swim trunks again. And Catherine Jones, you are incredible. Thank you for making this manuscript look so pretty before it went to print. Karen D. I appreciate you taking time to work on the first half of the book. I’ll never look at run-on sentences the same!

Amber Maxwell, thank you for the beautiful gift of the Dims cover. It far exceeded my expectations and continues to take my breath away. You are a true artist and I’m blessed to know you.

Lindsey Gray, thank you for making my book look so gorgeous. Your formatting skills are always impeccable and I know I can always count on your professionalism whenever we work together.

Nurse Angela VanBuren, thank you for making sure our girl got the right help she needed in the hospital. You always give me the best medical advice and if I ever ended up in the hospital in your state, I would demand to be seen by you. I heart your face.

Jocelyn, my September in July…thank you for allowing me to use your likeness and your face. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. Legally, we’re sisters now.

Laura, my Delilah, thank you for your gift of song and for allowing me to share it with the world. We’re beyond common law friendship too, now. I’m your other sister. Tell Kelita sorry-not-sorry.

Huge thanks to The A Team, my street team on Facebook who helps spread the word about my new releases. I am honored you’d spend your time with me. You are the actual best. I’ll make you t-shirts to prove it.

To Mariana’s Trench for being the never ending loop that I listened to while writing this book: Thanks for the harmonies, the imagery, and the lyrics that kept me going, even when writer’s block settled in.

Lastly, to you the reader, for taking a chance on this book. Personal stories are super scary to write. They are terrifying to share. Having someone believe in them makes it all worthwhile.