Saugatuck Summer (Saugatuck, #1)(61)
“I don’t know you all that well, but I know you’re an amazing guy, Topher,” he whispered against my hair. I shook my head in denial, but he wouldn’t stop. “Maybe you’re confused now. Maybe you make mistakes, and you’re not sure where you’re going or what you’re doing, but you give off this vibe that tells me . . . Well, I would bet anything I own that you’ve been through things that would send most people into booze or drugs or cutting or suicide or just being so sick and f*cked up that they can’t function. Don’t you see, angel?”
His arms tightened around me. “You’re still on your feet. You may hate yourself for every little mistake you make, but the fact that you’ve survived means you’ve come out on top. It might not be a perfect victory, but those are really, really rare. Every day you stand up and face life again is a win.”
“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” I murmured, hiding my face against his shoulder.
“Do what?”
“Idealize me. Those paintings you did were pretty, but they weren’t me.”
I wasn’t exactly expecting him to laugh at that. My head came up, indignation ready to boil from my lips, but he just pushed me back down.
“One of the first things you learn as an artist, Topher, is that you have to stand back from something to see all of it.” He kissed the top of my head again. “I’ve got perspective you don’t. Trust me on this.”
Thank God I didn’t have to work early the next morning. Jace and I didn’t go for the all-night marathon sex we’d had our first time together, but we woke each other up a couple times. By the time we staggered out of the shower to tumble—hard, groping, and dripping wet—onto the bed for another round, I was already in danger of being late. Considering the circumstances, I suspected Geoff wouldn’t mind, but it still wasn’t a good precedent to set.
About the only thing that saved me from tardiness was a text message on my phone, which I managed to hold out of the way, evading Jace’s efforts to lob it across the room.
“Mmm, get off,” I moaned when I was done reading it. Jace’s mouth was busy at my neck, determined to add to my collection of hickeys.
“That’s the plan, yes.” He snatched the phone out of my hand and tossed it onto the nightstand.
“I need to go. Ling’s not feeling well so I have to fill in at the gallery instead of just cleaning up at the tattoo parlor. Which means I’m already late.”
“Shit,” Jace groaned, rolling off of me. He took his cock in hand, stroking slowly, not so much jerking off as trying to soothe himself. “This is gonna be one brutal case of blue balls.”
I snorted, climbing off the bed and hauling my duffel out of the closet.
“Hey, if you want to rub one out while I’m getting dressed, at least one of us won’t be limping.” I dragged my boxer briefs—which I’m not at all ashamed to say do marvelous things for my ass, though it was Jace’s ass I was particularly interested in this time around—over my aching hard-on.
“If I do that, you may as well join me, because I have to drive you back into town.” He sat up, glowering, and started gathering up his clothes.
“Damn, that’s right. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ll drop you off at the gallery and go get some coffee and breakfast for you, since we kind of missed that part of the morning here.”
My stomach grumbled at the reminder. “Good thought. Of course, I missed my morning swim, too. I need to be extra sure to get a swim on my dinner break.”
“Tell me you’re coming back here again tonight.” He tugged a tight polo down over his solid torso. It displayed the ink on his arms beautifully.
“If you want me to.” I sat down to tie my shoes, using it as an excuse to duck my head against a sudden bout of bashfulness. After that first time, he’d toned down the psychological intensity, but my emotions were scoured raw. He’d stripped me bare last night, ripped away all my boundaries. Now I felt exposed and skittish in the aftermath.
“Of course I do.” He prowled toward me with his jeans still unbuttoned, tempting me to pull his shirt up and follow his treasure trail all the way down. “I’m here for the weekend, Topher, and I think I’d like to spend as much of that time with you as I can. See if . . . if maybe there’s something here worth spending other weekends on? If that’s okay with you?”
Just like that, I was scared again. Because I wanted what he was offering, to see what this might turn into. I didn’t like the thought of him leaving in a couple days and just disappearing, possibly never to be seen or heard from again. But the voice of my guilt whispered insidiously that I didn’t deserve this after what I had done. Didn’t deserve to be happy. Didn’t deserve to try to build something new—something potentially amazing—and move on with my life.
Of course, it could also be that I didn’t really feel safe letting anyone else get close just now. Not after the way Brendan had reneged on his promise to treat me with respect. Not when I was facing the prospect of losing Mo if she ever found out. Making myself vulnerable to another person was not high on my list of Good Ideas at the moment.
“Topher?” His head rocked to the side, looking at me from an angle, and he sucked on his cheeks uncertainly.