Saugatuck Summer (Saugatuck, #1)(29)

I wanted him within me. And it was stupid, but then, this whole goddamn thing was far beyond idiotic so, really, what did one more gargantuan mistake matter? If we were going to be wrong, then we might as well be f*cking wrong. I was already so deep in reckless disregard for everything I knew to be right and intelligent that seriously, who the hell could keep count of all the errors?

I pushed him away and rolled to my hands and knees, then I spat on my fingers and thrust them inside myself. I’d never done it that way, the way Jace had liked it, with no prep. I’d certainly never done it with so little lube. It was going to hurt like fire, which—frankly—was a pretty damned appropriate metaphor for this whole f*cked-up situation, wasn’t it? He was going to split me open and it was going to hurt and I didn’t f*cking care.

“Brendan . . . please . . .” I panted, groping blindly behind me, trying to find him and guide him to me. And then he was there and he didn’t know to go slow and f*ck it hurt. I bit the pillow, keening into it, my body racked with shudders and tears springing to the corners of my eyes. The sweat on my skin prickled and turned cold when he went still, bending forward and pressing his forehead against my back.

“Topher?” There. There was a shred of sanity, at last. Concern. Worry. Joined so intimately together that I imagined I could feel his heartbeat pulsing inside me, the need seemed to abate long enough to allow us to think.

“I’m okay,” I gasped, still shuddering but beginning to adjust, the rending ache becoming something manageable. Starting to carry a little undercurrent of pleasure, even. I reached down between my legs and began to stroke back to life the erection that had flagged with the onslaught of pain. Pleasure helped to hurry the discomfort on its way. “I’m okay.”

Still, he remained immobile, though his body trembled. His hips brushed my ass and his hands rested on my ribs. And it seemed he was withdrawing mentally, gathering himself, maybe even on the verge of letting conscience and reason take control again.

No. No. Yeah, I knew we should stop, but here we were already, what the ever-loving f*ck did it matter if we stopped now? The damage was done. We’d already gone beyond the point where we could say we’d stopped ourselves in time. Way beyond.

Fuck it. Might as well finish. Might as well at least have what we’d thrown everything to the wind to have.

“Please . . . Brendan . . .” I arched my back, opening myself to him a bit more. And yes it still ached, but it was getting better all the time. “Please don’t stop.”

The noise he made against my back sounded suspiciously like a sob.

“Don’t stop.” I stroked myself faster, growing hard in my hand, so hard. I pushed back against him, urging him deeper. “Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Please . . .”

Drawing a shuddering breath, he lifted himself off my back and moved. We yelled together at the first wave of pleasure, and then that moment of sanity was gone.

We didn’t last long. Despite the discomfort—or perhaps because of it; was this what Jace had been after?—it didn’t take long for me to spurt over my fist. Just a few thrusts of Brendan’s dick gliding past my prostate. And it didn’t take him much longer. He jerked, pumping when I came down. Another spasm of pleasure hit me just from the thought of him coming inside me, which was something I’d never allowed anyone to do before.

Only for him, only for Brendan with all his kindness and understanding and comfort, would I be so f*cking colossally stupid. I knew I’d been safe, and I’d been tested, so I couldn’t harm him. I hoped he’d been faithful to his wife until now, and she to him. If not, I might regret this the rest of my life.

Who the f*ck was I kidding? Of course I’d regret this the rest of my life, whether he was disease-free or not.

I collapsed beneath him onto the wet sheets, and he pulled out of me and rolled off to the side, not touching me. My ass burned and I was cold in the air-conditioned bedroom, the sweat chilling on my skin.

I wished he’d hold me.

He lay there silent, distant, as moments ticked by. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

“If you ask me to go right now, or if you run away, or treat me like you don’t want anything to do with me, I’ll hate you forever.”

I hated myself for being close to crying at the thought of it. I knew my voice sounded choked, but at this moment, Brendan rejecting me was about the only thing I could think of that would make everything that had happened tonight feel worse. To be discarded, tossed aside like he didn’t even want to know me now that he’d gotten it out of his system. I was probably being melodramatic to think that I’d just go throw myself in the lake if he treated me that way and went back to his straight, white, wealthy life like it had never happened, like I had never happened. I knew I really wouldn’t, but the temptation would definitely be there.

After a moment of silence, I felt his fingertips on my spine. Gentle. So gentle. Concerned. Caring. I was glad I’d faced away from him, because two tears spilled onto the pillow beneath my face.

“I don’t know what to do, Topher,” he whispered brokenly. “We shouldn’t have done this.”

“No, we shouldn’t have. But we did.” I found the courage to turn and face him. “Look, I don’t expect anything more here. I’m not going to ask you for any promises or turn into an idiot and imagine we’re going to live happily ever after. This is f*cked up and we both know it. The only thing I’m going to ask is that, whatever happens, you level with me. Respect me enough to be honest. Don’t do anything to demean me, okay? Can you do that?”