Rushing the Goal (Assassins #8)(6)

He truly believed he didn’t deserve to be happy and it was his fault they were gone. Yet, a part of him wanted to be happy. He wanted what Jordie had, but he wondered if maybe this was God’s punishment. Sobered up, but never able to have that happiness ever again. He took for granted what he had, fell victim to the temptation, and now he was alone.

It was sort of depressing and really deep to be thinking about at Chipotle with his buddies.

“I think you want to get laid so bad, you’re jumping the gun,” Vaughn said, stealing his attention.

“I’m fine,” Benji threw back at him. “I don’t know what happened.”

“Weirdo,” he accused, shaking his head. “Maybe you should hire an escort or something. Someone to knock your socks off and get your jitters out.”

Giving Vaughn a deadpan look, Benji shook his head. “I’m good. She just reminded me of Ava, and it f*cked with my head or something.”

His go-to excuse.

Saying that caused an eerie silence to fall over the table. Benji was honest, told his buddies the truth about his late wife and daughter. It was sad and it sucked, but he owned up to his mistakes.

“You do that a lot, though, bro,” Jordie said slowly, and leave it to him to notice that. “And I get it, but, dude, you gotta stop using them as a crutch. You have to be happy.”

He was right. Problem was, Benji didn’t know how to do that.

It was scary, putting himself out there when, for so long, he had been alone. He didn’t know how to love anyone; he wasn’t even sure he could anymore. Maybe his heart had died with Ava and Leary. He wasn’t sure, but man, he wished he could try again. That he could figure out how to be normal around the opposite sex. It was easy with his buddies’ wives. Probably because the Assassins had the best wives in the league. All of them so sweet and inviting, but man, they meddled. All of them tried to hook him up with everyone they knew. He went out with whomever they fixed him up with, and every single time, he never got a call back. Even when he thought the date went great, they never called.

Maybe he was a bad date.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” Benji said slowly, feeling like a loser. “Maybe it won’t ever happen, you know? Maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

Vaughn grinned, his eyes flashing with laughter. “Which is fine. I mean, I love my single life, but, dude, you gotta get laid.”

He was right. Benji craved a woman like he did the smell of the ice, but it just never worked out. He wasn’t sure what he was doing wrong, or maybe he did.

“You gotta stop telling everyone your business. No one needs to know that you’re a sober widower. I mean, it’s on your eHarmony profile,” Jordie accused and Benji shot him a confused look.

“You looked at my profile?”

What a joke that profile was anyway. He did it just to get Jordie and his wife, Kasey, off his back. Usually, the girls who contacted him on there only wanted his money. He didn’t want that, for obvious reasons. Half the time, he didn’t even go on the site. He was still paying for the subscription, though.

He should cancel that.

Vaughn laughed as Jordie shrugged. Running his finger along his beard to clean off the burrito lingering behind, he pinned Benji with a look. “I had to. Kasey said her friend wanted to go out with you until she read it. You basically tell your whole life story. You got baggage, dude, which is cool. A girl out there won’t mind, but reel her in first and then unload the baggage. You can’t do it on the first date.”

“That’s not fair to them, though. I want to be honest,” he explained but they both weren’t satisfied with his logic. He thought he was being fair. He didn’t want someone getting involved with him and then finding out later that he was a sober guy who lost his family in a shitty car wreck he should have died in too.

“Whoa, what happened to just getting laid?” Vaughn gave them both a look and Jordie scoffed. “You don’t need to be honest to get laid, bro. It’s one night, not forever.”

“He wants a relationship, dude,” Jordie stressed, shaking his head. “But maybe you should just get some. Maybe it will help. Hell, I don’t know. We’ve been trying to get you laid for a year and it isn’t working.”

Giving them both a dry look, Benji glanced down at his half-eaten burrito. “You guys are too concerned with my love life.”

“Because you talk about it all the damn time,” Vaughn accused and Benji scrunched his face up.

“I do not!”

“Okay, maybe not all the time. But, dude, I’m going out, getting some ass, and instead of getting some ass, you go back home to watch Game of Thrones. It’s pathetic.”

Giving him a dull look, Benji held his chin high. “Um, I’ve moved on to Supernatural, thank you.”

“For f*ck’s sake, again?” Jordie balked and Benji looked back down.

“What? It’s a good show.”

“That won’t get you laid!” Vaughn roared, causing everyone to look at their table. Benji knew they were right. He needed to get out of the house, go out and meet people, but TV was easy. No one could judge him at home. It was him and the TV. No one to pity him. It was easy…but it was lonely. Very lonely.

“BP, what do you want, dude?” Jordie asked then, bringing his gaze up to Benji’s. “I mean, do you want to be with someone? Or are you cool with how life is going?”