Room-maid(92)

“So when your mother told you the same thing . . .”

“It was easy to believe. And I’ve been lied to so many times I just couldn’t bear the thought that you would lie to me, too.”

“Oksana said what she did because I told her things were completely over with us and that I was starting to have feelings for someone else. It probably wasn’t hard for her to fill in the blanks.”

“I’m sorry. I never should have doubted you,” I apologized. “Then you said we had things to talk about and my mind just went to a bad place.”

He leaned his forehead against mine and I was again struck with that feeling, that relief mixed with love and the recognition that this was where I belonged. He was my home.

“Here’s the thing I wanted to talk to you about. I should have been more honest with you,” he said. “I wanted to tell you how much I loved coming home to you every day. That I found myself heading home early even though I should have stayed at the office. At some point you became more important to me than my job. I wanted to be with you, all the time. I couldn’t admit it out loud, but I knew that I was falling for you.”

“Oh.” That was the absolute sweetest thing ever and I didn’t know what else to say.

“Because from the very beginning you made me feel invincible. Like I could do anything I set my mind to. You believed in me in a way no one else had in a long time. I had to pretend in so many parts of my life, like I was playing some role. But I never felt that way when I was with you. I was always just me, and I loved that. And I also loved that you were bad at things like crafting and cleaning but you did them anyway and always gave it your best.”

“Hey!” I protested, basking in his warm laughter as it washed over my face. He pulled back, letting me look into his gorgeous blue eyes.

“That night when I came home early and you tried to crack my skull open?” When I didn’t respond, he clarified, “The first time we hugged.”

Oh, I hadn’t forgotten. “I remember.”

“I wanted you that night.” His words sent heated barbs of excitement through me. “And I felt like a hypocrite and a bad person. I had that rule, and here I was, ready to throw it aside without even talking it over with you first. Plus, you had a boyfriend.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I didn’t know that then. Just like the first time we kissed, I’d just found out that you’d ended things with him. I didn’t kiss you to help you out. I kissed you because I had wanted to kiss you for a very long time. I felt like the biggest jerk and I was worried that I was taking advantage of you, that you might have been vulnerable given that you’d just gotten out of an eight-year relationship.”

He’d already said as much before, but it didn’t hurt to hear it again. To listen to the things he thought were important to share. “No. We’d ended a long time before that and I was totally over him.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“You didn’t ask,” I reminded him.

“No, I didn’t. And it was a mistake, not asking. I felt awful about making such a big deal over us staying just friends but then kissing you. The next morning you said you didn’t want to date anyone, and I took that as my cue to try and move on.”

“I was only saying what I thought you wanted to hear. I said I didn’t want to date anyone else because I was in love with you!”

His face lit up in a goofy grin. “You love me?”

“Yes. And I have for a long time.”

“You’ve never said it before.”

“Really? Because I think about it constantly. I just really wanted to respect your boundaries because no one seemed to ever respect mine.”

“I’m such an idiot,” he groaned. “I never should have had that rule. We wouldn’t have wasted so much time. Because since you’ve been gone, I’ve realized just how much . . . Pigeon misses you.”

“Just Pidge?” I teased, loving that I could be like this with him. That we were us again.

“She won’t leave your room. She needs you. I need you. I’m lost without you. I was content in my life before I met you, but I can’t go back to how things used to be. There’s only being with you and missing you. The only life I want is one with you in it.”

“I want that, too,” I said. “But I purposely came over here today, thinking you’d be gone. Because I was afraid that after what I did, what I said, things would be over and you’d never want to see me again.”

“Why would you think that?” His hands tightened around mine.

“Most of the people I’ve loved stopped loving me after I made mistakes. And I didn’t want that to happen with you, because being with you is when I feel most like me. Like I’m the person I always wanted to be. As if I get to see myself through your eyes. And you are such an amazing person and I love everything about you and I feel so lucky to get to be with you.” My voice started quivering as my emotions began to overwhelm me.

“You didn’t make mistakes by making the choices that you did. And it’s on them for ending things, because you are one of the most lovable people I know.”

“I am?”

He kissed my forehead. “You are so good and kind and smart and funny and brave and I adore you.”