Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(77)

But as soon as he spoke the words he had to wonder if they were alive. And that bothered him. Down into his soul it bothered him, because he would never want to hurt her. Not for anything. But he was afraid he’d maneuvered himself into a position where it would be all too easy.

“See that you don’t.”

Then the older man leaned back in his chair and knocked back his glass of whiskey before setting the empty tumbler back down on the table. Jake did the same.

“Cheers to you,” he said.

“And to you.”

He put his hand on Jake’s shoulder. “I have faith in you, son.”

The word blindsided Jake. Made him feel like he’d been punched in the face.

Or in the shrapnel wound. Whatever the case may be.

His memory of his own father was damaged. There was no way it couldn’t be.

His father hadn’t been the man Jake had believed him to be.

There were so many unanswered questions.

And he didn’t have it in him to be an optimist, not with the way his life had gone.

But he still missed his father.

He still missed being a son.

And for the whole rest of the day he felt bruised.

They said goodbye to the family, and it was a real goodbye, because they were about to head back to Gold Valley, and to his ranch the next morning.

“We gotta get an early start,” he said to Callie when they got inside.

“Okay,” she said, her gaze veiled.

And she knew that he had hurt her feelings. Which pissed him off. Because he hadn’t wanted to do that. But he also needed... Just a bit of distance.

The next morning, they were up bright and early, loaded into his truck and headed back toward Gold Valley.

This time, they didn’t stop by the Painted Hills, but when they drove by the sign, he had the strangest sensation that he’d been living a whole different life on his way over to her parents’ house than he was leaving it.

And her dad’s words echoed in his head.

You can’t let the shrapnel stay there forever.

Showed what he knew. You damn well could let the shrapnel stay there forever.

Because some mistakes were forever. You didn’t get to heal from them. Just because you felt like it.

His mother was dead.

End of story. That was all. There was no bringing her back. There was no amount of penance that could be paid. He wasn’t trying to atone for anything, because there was no atonement for certain things. But by that same token, there were just some wounds that didn’t go away. No matter what. And you couldn’t make them.

Don’t hurt her.

He didn’t want to. He really didn’t want to.

“I practically could’ve stayed at my parents’,” she said, holding on to her seat belt shoulder strap as they continued to drive. Like she was trying to brace herself against whatever he might say.

“We had a deal, remember,” he said. “You’re supposed to help at my ranch. I have horses coming soon.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I know.”

She didn’t say much else for the rest of the drive.

When they got back to the house, she went and put her stuff in the separate bedroom.

“I guess we have chores to do,” she said.

“Guess so,” he responded.

He set her on an assignment, away from him, and he felt a little bit like an ass, but he wanted the distance. They’d been trapped together for an awfully long time, and it didn’t seem like a bad idea for them to spend a bit of time apart. And by the time he got back in cell phone range, he had a voice mail from his cousin reminding him to come to dinner on Sunday night.





CHAPTER NINETEEN


IT FELT DIFFERENT going to Hope Springs Ranch this time. She hadn’t been sleeping with Jake the first time she’d been, and their marriage not being real had been a funny joke—well, it had never been all that funny to her. It had been embarrassing. But now it all felt fragile and sacred, and she didn’t like what she was walking into. But she also didn’t want to spend the evening away from him. Didn’t want him to go to their house without bringing her along. She hadn’t slept with him the last couple of nights.

Well, slept with was only a euphemism.

They’d had sex twice.

He’d never slept with her.

But since leaving Evergreen Ranch he hadn’t touched her, hadn’t kissed her, hadn’t anything.

She had thought about starting a fight, seeing if a little bit of anger could ignite a spark between them again. She thought about throwing herself off the back of a horse, to see if he would get mad again and if she could get a kiss that way.

But it just felt... All that felt cowardly.

That night that they’d walked together under the trees had been real. It had been deep and intimate, and it had felt like something. She had to figure out a way to get back there again.

To what end?

Well, she didn’t want to think about it. She just wanted to focus on the next thing. The next step.

Though she didn’t know what it was.

She had never minded her inexperience, but about now she was getting pretty annoyed with it. She had figured out the inner workings of a man’s pants. But she had not figured out the inner workings of a man’s mind. And you would think that she would have some insight into that growing up with the many brothers that she had. But it was a far cry to be a man’s lover than it was to be a man’s sister. Or his friend.