Rodeo Christmas at Evergreen Ranch (Gold Valley #13)(19)

“This isn’t real. Don’t worry about it.”

“Why don’t you care about marriage? I mean, I know you didn’t have your parents in your life forever, but... Were they unhappy?”

“They built up our house like this sacred thing, treated our family—me and Colt—like we were something special. Like the home was the most important thing, our family, no matter what. No matter what else was happening. You know how it is. And it felt that way for a while. Like the Daniels family was the most important family that there could ever be. When you lose something like that you realize it’s not magic. The world’s not magic. It’s just dirt. Dirt and sweat and death. And that’s about all you’re guaranteed in life. You know where you’re headed, right?”

“That’s grim,” she said, shivering slightly. But she could understand how he felt, because his words broke something open in her head. Her family felt magic. With their beautiful ranch out there in the middle of nowhere, her brothers... She knew they weren’t, though. They’d been touched by a grief that she’d never had to experience. But she had always known that bad things can happen. Just because she hadn’t been around to see it didn’t mean she didn’t understand it.

The secret she hadn’t told him.

But how could she keep it from him?

She knew his birth date now. She supposed he should know this.

“You know, before I was born, there were seven kids in the family.” She didn’t know why it felt like trying to shove a brick off her chest. Why it felt so heavy.

He frowned. “I don’t follow.”

She felt... She didn’t want to talk about Sophie. Because then he would know about Sophie. And part of her felt like by just knowing about her would make him wonder...what she’d been like. What another girl in her family would have been like.

Maybe he would find her lacking, too.

She cleared her throat. That was silly and it wasn’t important now. “They had a little girl before me. Sophie. She was just a couple years younger than Kit. She was sick. From the time she was born.” She swallowed hard. “They tried to keep her safe but she was very fragile. She died when she was five.”

“Shit.”

“I know. I just... I know. My dad thought the answer was to take me and make me tough. I mean, I wasn’t born with a genetic disorder. But he begged my mom, begged her to let me be his. To let him make me tough. And she agreed because she was so broken up about Sophie, too.” She swallowed hard. “But I don’t know what my family was like before... I don’t know how things were between my parents. It all happened before I was born, or even a thought. But I know it changed things. I know the boys remember it. And I know they were affected by it. It was one thing and now it’s not. It hasn’t been since before I was born.”

“How is it that no one knows about this in the rodeo?”

“It just happened too long ago. Twenty-five years ago. It’s not something that comes up and I think...after she died was when my dad took the position as commissioner. It’s when the family got more involved. He was a rider first and my mom was the rodeo queen for a season and...they retired for a while and had kids but it was losing Sophie that brought them back. And I think they wanted it to be free of sadness even though their lives really couldn’t be.”

“That’s a whole lot, Cal. I’m sorry.”

She nodded. “It is. It’s just...there. And there’s no way to fix it.”

“Things always change, that’s the problem. I just had to deal with it a little sooner than other people do. Losing your parents is nothing special. Most everybody goes through it at one time or another.”

“Sure. But most people aren’t as young as you.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s just part of life, like I said. Nothing to get precious about. But I don’t feel that kind of reverence toward marriage or anything like that. I’m sure it’s a direct result of my experience. Even when things look like they might be going well...everything can fall apart. The plane can go down. You can’t control it. Everything’s just twists of fate here and there. You can’t make yourself safer.”

“And you ride bulls.”

“Yeah,” he said, grinning. “I ride bulls.”

She couldn’t quite put all those pieces together, but it was a strange thing, to have been friends with this man for as long as she was, and feel like she had just learned something singular about him. To feel like she had just made a discovery about what put him together, what made him click.

But they were here, sharing old grief together, and it made her ache. Hers and his. But it felt good, too. To say it out loud.

“Let’s get some lunch,” he said.

She walked behind him, and into a diner called the Mustard Seed. It had glimmering, coppery pennies glued down for a floor, and whimsical little animals made from forks and beads set up on the tables and windowsills. There were red diner seats, and clear Christmas lights strung around the perimeter.

“I guess Thanksgiving is over,” she said.

“Sure is.”

“Thanks for agreeing to marry me.”

He smiled. “Sure. No problem.”

They took a seat at the bar, and the owner of the diner, who introduced herself cheerfully, came and took their order a few moments later. They both got cheeseburgers and fries. Callie got a milkshake. She dipped one of her French fries down in the chocolate shake when it came, and took a bite off the end, chewing thoughtfully.