Rode Hard, Put Up Wet (Rough Riders #2)(40)

“I wasn’t interested in bein’ a father until my friends started havin’ kids. I suppose Macie was about eight when I began to see her once a year. We had fun together, but it wasn’t any kind of relationship. Mostly because Jorgen made sure she had all the control.


She’d decide when I could talk to Macie. Or see her. They moved all over the damn place so I had no choice. I never knew where they were, which drove me nuts.”


“Doesn’t sound like your lack of a relationship with your daughter is entirely your fault, Cash.”


“Maybe not. I don’t remember how it happened, but the year Macie turned twelve she called me. We talked for hours. I realized I wanted to get to know my child so I asked Jorgen if Macie could spend the summer with me on the rez.”


Gemma gently worked his left shoulder muscle in silence.


“Jorgen refused. I was travelin’ the rodeo circuit so it was easier for me to get to wherever Macie was. I went hundreds of miles out of my way to see my girl whenever I could.”


Cash took a break, not sure if he was doing the right thing telling Gemma all this nasty shit about himself.


“Can I ask you something?”


“I guess.”


“Is Macie like her mother?”


“In some ways.”


“Like?”


“Like I suspect she’s got itchy feet. Macie doesn’t seem inclined to put down roots anywhere.”


“Maybe she gets that from you. You’ve traveled around plenty yourself, Cash.”


He grunted.


“Or maybe she doesn’t know how to settle down because no one has shown her,”


Gemma offered.


“True. But it ain’t like she’s gonna learn it from me. I should be happy that she’s like Jorgen in that material things don’t mean nothin’ to her.”


“I thought you said Jorgen was rich.”


Cash laughed without humor. “Every white person seems rich to a rez kid who’s livin’ ten or twelve to a house and dependin’ on government commodities to eat. She had enough money to get by, and that’s more than I ever had.”


“That doesn’t tell me what Jorgen was like.”


“Sounds stupid, but Jorgen was the type who collected life experiences and checked them off her life list and moved on.”


“Meaning?”


“She had a list of things she wanted to accomplish. Live in Europe. Check. Get a graduate degree. Check. Live on the rez with indigenous people. Check. Have a child.


Check. Live in the desert. Check. Live in the mountains. Check. Live by the ocean.


Check. Work in a cowboy bar. Check. Work in a casino. Check. Work on a cruise ship.


Check. She went where she wanted to go, did what she wanted to do and didn’t care about anybody else.”


“Including Macie?”


“I suspect that’s the case. Macie doesn’t wanna talk about her childhood too much. I don’t know if it’s to spare my feelin’s ’cause I wasn’t around or because they ain’t the best memories for her.” Thinking about poor little Macie fending for herself made his gut clench and his heart hurt. “I know Jorgen loved Macie, as much as Jorgen could love anyone.”



“Did you love Jorgen?”


“No.”


“Still, you were so young when all that happened. I’m surprised you never married and had more kids.”


“After the shit I’ve told you, you think I’d subject a kid to havin’ me as a father?” Or a woman who’d want me as a husband. He didn’t say it, he just shifted his weight on the hard cement. “What about you and Steve?”


“What about us?”


“You never had kids. On purpose?”


“We would’ve welcomed a baby. Just didn’t happen. And Steve was old-fashioned.


He didn’t want fertility tests to figure out the problem. Nor did he warm to the idea of adoption. I know some folks look at me with pity because I’m childless. But you can’t miss what you’ve never had.”


“True. What would you do if you ended up pregnant now?”


Gemma choked. “What? Lord, Cash, I’m forty-eight—”


“You ain’t been through menopause yet, have you?”


“No. Have the symptoms, though.”


“Don’t matter. My unci had her last baby when she was fifty-one. She thought it was menopause. So, I guess that means we’d better make sure we’re usin’ condoms, much as I hate it.”


“I hate it too but I guess you’re right.”


Darkness had fallen. The yard light clicked on. Pretty soon bugs would be out in full force. Cash was tired of talking. Spilling his guts hadn’t alleviated the ache in his heart or his head. Gemma seemed to sense his mood change.


She smoothed his hair away from his face. “How’s your head?”


“Still hurts.”


“Want me to keep going?”