Ride Steady (Chaos, #3)(83)

“Wanted you,” he replied. “In high school, I wanted you. So bad, my life went to shit, like it went to shit every single f*cking day, to give my head some peace, I’d draw you.”

I snapped my mouth shut as my stomach squeezed so hard, I thought I’d be sick.

He kept at me.

“Last person I saw before I left my f*cked-up life, meant everything that it was you. Years later, saw you again, you didn’t know me.”

Oh no.

“Carson,” I whispered.

“That f*ckin’ hurt,” he forced out in a way I knew those three words cost him.

A lot.

Too much.

Yes, I was going to be sick.

“I—”

“Didn’t know who the f*ck I was,” he finished for me acidly.

“I did,” I told him. “I just didn’t completely recognize you and you didn’t share when I introduced Travis and me.”

“You’re right,” he shot back. “I didn’t. Think on that, Carissa. You had a life where you got nothin’ you wanted, but still, you were fool enough to want a guy. You liked him. He was nice to you and you used him to give you peace from the shithole you called a home and the jackhole you called a dad. You saw him again, he didn’t know who the f*ck you were, what would you do?”

Unfortunately, I saw his point.

More so seeing as he was a man, a manly man, a manly biker man who not only wouldn’t take kindly to that type of thing but also wouldn’t like to admit it hurt.

Not to mention, all he said about his home, his dad, using me to bring him peace killed me.

Sadly, thinking all this, I didn’t reply, so he had his chance to keep going.

“Now it’s been weeks where me, my brothers, their women have taken your back, looked after you, looked after your boy, you notice your f*ck-up and you lay that charity case shit on me?”

“That was—”

“Fucked-up and ugly,” he finished for me again.

He was right.

“I was surprised,” I defended myself feebly.

“Yeah, me too. Surprised the homecoming queen had it in her ever to remember I existed.”

Okay, wait.

That blow was low.

He was right. I’d messed up.

But I didn’t deserve that.

“Joker, of course I’d remember you,” I said carefully.

“Yeah? Had my tongue in your mouth, your hands up my shirt, looked into my eyes beggin’ for more, Carissa, and that shit didn’t happen.”

Oh no.

Absolutely not.

“Your hair is different!” I retorted sharply.

“So’s yours,” he fired back.

This was true. It was longer. As was his.

Still.

“You had a beard.”

“You have a baby.”

Darn it!

“You’re a biker!” I cried.

“You’re a grocery store clerk,” he returned.

He was too much!

“It’s been years!” I yelled.

“Yeah, it has,” he whispered ominously.

But I knew what he meant.

It had been years and he still knew me.

He didn’t get the same.

But even if he was right, his reaction was wrong.

“Okay, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. And I’m sorry, Joker,” I hissed. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize the boy I crushed on and did it huge back in high school. Honestly, I don’t know how I didn’t. Though, you know, I may have had a few things on my mind, say, a flat tire and a crappy apartment and an ex-husband whose sole desire seemed to be making my life a misery. But I still don’t know how I didn’t. Especially considering the fact that, almost right away, I started crushing on the man you became even bigger than I’d crushed on you back then.”

I finished talking and did it breathing hard, so focused on what I was saying I didn’t notice his expression change.

But then I noticed his expression had changed.

“What?” he whispered.

“What what?” I snapped, still feeling many things, including anger.

“You crushed on me?” he asked.

I stared for a second and did it hard before I threw up my hands and returned, “Like you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know.”

I leaned into him and hissed, “Baloney.”

The ominous whisper was back with his, “Be careful, Carissa.”

“About what?” I asked crossly. “Every girl had a crush on you and you pretending you didn’t know that is laughable. You totally knew.”

“Not about you.”

“So you knew,” I pushed.

“Not about you.”

“Oh my gosh!” I cried, narrowing my eyes at him. “You cannot believe for one second I believe you. Every time I saw you I smiled at you. Once I even tripped so I could fall into you so you’d catch me, for goodness sakes! I couldn’t be more obvious!”

His body went completely still but I wasn’t done.

“And honestly, the last time I saw you, I asked you out on a date. I knew you were leaving. I figured you had to do what you had to do. And I admired you having the courage to do it. Still, it was my last ditch effort to get you to notice me. I knew you had to leave but I wanted you to do it hopefully thinking of me so if you came back, you’d remember me and—”