Reclaiming the Sand(41)

Could I tell him that the lies of my omission might tear me apart?

Or should I tell him that I was a conflicted mess of emotions? I resented him in a misplaced sense of blame that was still carried over from years of denial. But I also l enjoyed his company. That it was easy to remember a time when I had been almost happy when we were together.

That was some heavy shit. And it wasn’t something I could vocalize. Hell, I could barely admit in the quiet safety of my head the truth of it. So there was no way in hell I could ever tell him.

So I shrugged. “I’ve been busy,” I told him; running my hands along the smooth, cool leather beside my thigh.

“This is the cleanest car I have ever seen,” I said, trying to change the subject.

“It was my mom’s. She bought it just six months before she died. So now it’s mine,” he explained in that short, succinct way of his. No need for extraneous details from Flynn Hendrick. He gave you the information you needed, nothing more, nothing less.

“Oh.” I wanted to ask how his mother died. She had been a nice woman even if she had never trusted me. She had loved her son but she wasn’t blind to who he was. So she had of course been wary of our friendship.

I’m sure the multicolored hair and multiple facial piercings hadn’t helped matters either. But she had been civil, despite her very obvious displeasure at finding me in her home.

I often wondered if she started counting the silver as soon as I walked out the door.

It hadn’t been the first time I had experienced disapproval. Not many people liked me and those that did weren’t the type to be indiscriminate.

But Ms. Hendrick’s mistrust had hurt. I had wanted her to like me. I envied the relationship Flynn had with his mother. The way she had taken care of him. I had never experienced that sort of love before and my f*cked up mind and screwed up heart had craved it.

Aside from enjoying Flynn’s company, I had spent so much time at the Hendrick’s house in part because I hoped, someday, to be loved the way Flynn was loved by his mother. I had been such a messed up kid. My desperate need to feel wanted had twisted into something horrific. And I had ended up hurting the one person I had wanted in my life.

After Flynn and I had stopped being friends, I had seen Ms. Hendrick in town. But she never spoke to me again. And I had laughed it off at the time, but it had devastated me. And that devastation had turned into a white-hot anger. It became one more thing I blamed Flynn for.

“She had lung cancer. It was already stage four by the time the doctor’s found it. One day she was there. The next she wasn’t.” He told his story as emotionless as he said everything but even I could hear the quivering emotion beneath the surface.

“Why did you come back to Wellsburg?” I asked him.

Flynn didn’t answer me right away and I wondered whether he had retreated back inside himself.

The minutes passed and my skin froze from the strength of the air coming out of the vents. It wasn’t until Flynn turned down his gravel driveway that he spoke.

“I hated this house when we moved here. It was ugly. It smelled funny. I didn’t know where anything was. I hated school. I hated the people.” He sounded so angry and I pictured in my head the life of fifteen-year-old Flynn. He had been awkward and unhappy. It had been obvious, even to someone as self-involved as me. But what had I done to make that easier for him?

Nothing.

“But it’s mom’s house. She bought it for me. To start over.” I still didn’t understand the reasoning of that. If it had been me I would never have come back. No amount of sentimental nostalgia could have made me enter the town limits ever again.

“I painted it. I fixed the buildings. And now it’s not so ugly. I wanted to live here again.”

And that was that. He stopped the car and turned off the engine. He opened the door and got out, heading toward the front door, leaving me alone. I couldn’t even be annoyed by his lack of manners, because that was just Flynn. In fact, I appreciated the chance to get myself together.

This house meant something to not just him. This was the only place in Wellsburg I could ever remember being truly happy. And seeing Flynn walk up the repaired steps and go through the front door, now painted a dark blue, it felt right that he was back.

I gathered the bags of food from the floor and slowly walked towards the house.

Images flashed through my mind like a movie. I had been Flynn’s friend for only a few months. And it had been a relationship built on secrets. I had been terrified to openly admit I was his friend. I continued to stand by and allow the taunts and teasing. I had contributed to it all the while using him to find the happiness I so desperately wanted.

I had been a horrible person.

I was still a horrible person.

The steps creaked beneath my feet as I walked up the porch. Another image flashed in my mind. One of smoke and flames and running through the night to escape the destruction I had caused.

Handcuffs. Interrogation. Anger and Hatred. Those had been my consequences. And I had borne them bitterly. Until now.

Because it had been no more than I deserved.

I pushed open the front door and was surprised to smell the lingering scent of banana bread in the air.

I knew my way to the kitchen. I had walked over these floorboards enough times to find it. The décor was the same it had been seven years ago. Nothing had changed. Yes there was fresh paint on the walls and new doors hung from the jams, but it was still the same.