RYDER (Slater Brothers 4)(81)

I lifted my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes. I lowered my arms, and shook my head, not being able to comprehend the depth of what I was hearing.

“This is a lot to take in.”

“I know it is, but you need to know everything so you understand how tied my hands were.”

I couldn’t begin to imagine what he felt like, or went through, but… I understood that he had to do what he was made to do in order to remain prison free. I got that. It was so hard to believe it was real life, but I got it. My mind pieced together all the fall-outs, fights and the general break down of our relationship and concluded it was inevitable.

Ryder wasn’t a God; there was only so much he could control. His experience with his past life made his task a familiar one, but this time the stakes were a lot higher, and by trying to protect me from it, he unwillingly subjected me to another kind of horror.

My mind understood all of that, but my heart didn’t. I couldn’t just erase the pain I felt, or get over what I saw. The most superficial and idiotic thing I could have said left my mouth when I thought about the night I was kidnapped.

“You really weren’t cheatin’ on me with that Lucy woman?” I whispered.

“No, I swear it.” Ryder said without hesitation. “She was only my contact to the Feds. I’d meet her every night at a different location, get wired up, and find out what shit they wanted me to do.”

Oh.

“I just thought… when I saw you lean into her car, and she laughed... I just thought the worst.”

“She laughed and giggled like that every night in case I was followed by Brandon’s men to make it look like I was meeting up with her for a hook up, but I swear, it’s only ever been you, Branna. I have never touched another women since the night we met.”

My hands were trembling.

“What was I supposed to think? I saw what I saw and came to a conclusion most people would come to as well,” I said as my lower lip wobbled. “You pulled away from me, you left the house every night and showered before you would come near me. When I saw you with ‘er, I started to piece all of that together and it just made everythin’ worse inside me head.”

Ryder frowned. “I felt dirty every time I walked through the front door of our home knowing the shit I came from. I didn’t want to taint you with it. You’re pure to me, and I didn’t want any of what I’ve been doing to affect you.”

“But it has affected me,” I whispered. “You… you made me think you hated me.”

“I never meant for it to go this far,” he stressed as he leaned forward and took my hands in his, shocking me as the familiar feeling of his calloused hands instantly soothed me. “I meant to distance myself from you just until this was done, and when we started arguing, I couldn’t stop the spiral. You, your sister, the other girls, you all mean everything to me, to my family. We agreed that keeping you in the dark was the best thing to do. Damien, too. We didn’t tell him anything because we knew he’d want to help us, and it was decided a long time ago he would never be involved with what we had no choice in. If anything went wrong and me and Dominic did go to prison then none of you could be implicated. You wouldn’t know about any of what was going on so they couldn’t try you as an accessory.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “This just doesn’t feel real.”

“I wish it wasn’t.”

Me too.

“You said you did want the FBI wanted, does that mean Brandon has been arrested?”

Ryder shook his head. “No, I got all the information I could, but they still don’t know any of his contacts, sources and distributors. Brandon never directly gave me my orders either, it was another man who told me what to do and where to go, so even if there was a bust, it wouldn’t trace back to him. Brandon was good to me, but he knew what I was doing in his gang, and why I was there. He was very careful during my time with him.”

Fear gripped me.

I gasped. “He could kill you!”

Images of pure horror flashed through my mind.

Ryder snorted. “He won’t, I think he found it amusing. He told me he doesn’t like rats, and said he had a bad habit of standing on them. I agreed with him and said I hated cops more because they were snakes in the grass. When I said it, I adjusted my shirt to show the indent of my wire and looked him in the eye. He quickly picked up on what information I was offering.”

I felt my jaw drop open. “You gave it away what you were there for? Why?”

“Because Brandon is fair… and I f*cking hate cops, Branna. The Feds… they’re a whole different level of scum, they’d throw you under a bus to get what they want.”

“You eejit!” I snapped. “What if they know why you got shit information?”

“They’re none the wiser, they called time on my part in the operation the night you were… attacked. They told me that evening that after forty-eight hours they’d be packed up and out of the country, and I could go back to my normal life. That’s why I wanted to wait to tell you… in case they changed their minds.”

“I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I admitted. “It’s too intense.”

Ryder leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Branna,” he whispered. “Having you in my life has ruined yours.”