RUSH (City Lights, #3)(96)

“Connecticut at first. After that? I don’t know and I wouldn’t tell you if I did.”

He paused, a muscle in his jaw twitching, his voice gruff. “I know this hurts. God, believe me. My heart feels like it’s ready to explode for the pain I’m causing you. But it’s better. You can’t see it now but it is. I have to go and make myself worthy of you, Charlotte. If I have to fight and claw my way through hell I will if it means we can be together as you deserve for us to be together.”

I stared, unable to find the words. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say. Goodbye? Am I supposed to just let you walk out of here? No.” I moved in front of him, blocking him from his bag. “I know I have to go to that audition. I can feel it waiting for me. That tour. But how am I supposed to leave you like this? I thought…” The tears were breaking through the shock now. “I thought you’d come with me.”

He held me this time, his arms wrapping around me, his words against my cheek. “I’m going to find you, Charlotte. I’m going to come back to you as the man you deserve. Whole. Don’t say goodbye to me. Wait for me. Please. It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you. Wait for me. Trust me. I will come back to you. I swear it. Okay?”

I clung to him. “No, I can’t…”

He held my face that was wet with tears, his own hazel eyes shining.

“I love you, Charlotte,” he said brokenly. “I love you more than my own self and that’s the only reason why I can walk out that door tonight.”

I closed my eyes, feeling his lips on my mouth, his hands holding me, the pain vibrating off of him, in harmony with mine. He deepened the kiss for a moment, and then let go, a small sound of anguish tearing from his throat. And then his hands fell away.

I kept my eyes closed a long time, seeing nothing but blackness. When I opened them again, the house was empty. Noah was gone.





Chapter Thirty-Four


Charlotte

“Are you ready?” Melanie asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, and that was the truth. My stomach felt like it was trying to climb out of my guts, and yet my skin was strangely cool all over. “I’m scared and I’m calm at the same time. How is that possible?”

“You’re scared because you’re going to get this and you’re calm because you know it’s supposed to happen.”

I squeezed her hand in gratitude. The lobby of the Alice Tully at Lincoln Center was teeming with hopefuls, mostly violinists, though I saw some bigger instrument cases of violas, and even a few basses. The setting should have thrown me: it’s where Keith and his Spring Strings auditioned—my last audition until today. But Keith and his lies and betrayal felt far away now, and couldn’t touch me.

“How’s the violin?” Melanie asked. “Ben promised it wouldn’t suck.”

“It doesn’t. But it’s strange,” I said. “All week, I’ve felt like I’ve been practicing on stolen property.”

“Speaking of which, no word from the cops about your Eastman?”

“It’s gone. But then I never expected to get it back.”

We stopped talking as a young man in a tight sweater, plaid pants, and glasses stepped into the lobby. “Gregory Carter?”

An older man carrying a violin case rose from the group and followed the young man out, his eyes darting about nervously, though I thought I saw a glint of malice there too, as if he loathed his competition.

“Carter. You gotta be close,” Melanie said. She eyed me up and down. “You look good. Really good. Like you’ve aged a decade.”

I smirked. “Is that a compliment?”

“Not aged in your face, in your eyes. You look wiser, my friend.”

“I don’t feel wiser,” I said, my laughter fading. I looked down at my hands. “I miss him. I miss him a lot, Mel.”

She pursed her lips. “Still in Connecticut?”

“I don’t know. I guess. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing…

“He wants you to have this,” Melanie said softly, “because he knows it’s the best thing for you.”

I blinked back tears. “I know. And it is. But he’s the best thing too, though he doesn’t realize it. Not yet.”

“Give him time.”

I shifted in my seat and glanced around. “I don’t know what’s going to happen when they call my name. I don’t know what will happen when I play. I might kill it or I might melt into a blubbering mess. And even if I do nail it, who’s to say it’s enough to win a seat? This place is packed with talent. One or more is bound to be better than me. Certainly better prepared.”

Melanie heaved a long-suffering sigh. “I’m going to miss you when you’re in Europe.”

I stifled a laugh. “Oh, stop. You won’t have a chance to miss me since I’ll be moving in with you and Sasha after I blow this and become homeless.”

The slender man in the plaid pants returned. “Charlotte Conroy?”

“Oh shit.” I rose to my feet, my borrowed violin in hand.

“Break a leg,” Melanie said and gave me a thumb’s up.

I nodded and followed the man backstage. For Noah. For Chris. For me.