RUSH (City Lights, #3)(55)

I muttered an apology and she led me to a bench. I felt better at once; I could feel the wide open spaces around me, and the Hudson river was close. Why that calmed me, I don’t know, but the insatiable urge to get out mellowed some.

I heard a scraping sound along the ground near us, and the image of a skidding Frisbee came to me as clear as day. The sound was followed by paws scrabbling over gravel and panting.

Charlotte clucked her tongue. “Here, boy. C’mere. Oh, you’re a gorgeous fellow, aren’t you?” Her voice grew slightly louder as she turned to me. “A Husky, and he’s a beauty, too. Icy blue eyes, white underbelly, gray and black on top. He looks like a wolf but the way his tongue’s lolling around, he’s about as ferocious as a puppy. Want to say hi?”

I did not, but I also didn’t want to hurt Charlotte. The dog had its own ideas, anyway. I heard it scrabble in front of me and then heavy paws fell into my lap.

I flinched back with a curse, but the dog stayed put, maybe hoping for a treat. I started to push away and sank my fingers into its fur instead. I stroked the dog’s head, its silky ears, the scruff around its neck. It panted its stinky breath on me, and whined, and laid its muzzle on my hand, and I understood, at once, why Charlotte brought me here.

God, this girl. My heart clenched painfully, and I had never wished so hard that I could be something good and whole for her.

I heard huffing and jogged steps on gravel. “Sorry about that,” said a man’s voice. “We’re trying to teach Kona to stop jumping on people. Come on, Kona. Let’s go.”

The dog moved off and I felt Charlotte’s hand on my arm instead.

“That was nice, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, but I was still caught in the low swing of my roller-coaster moods. I tried to do what they told me in PT: focus on something positive. “It feels open here.”

“It is. Lots of wide spaces. I thought you might like the change.”

I gritted my teeth. With every kind word she said, my irritation at myself grew. “What about you? You must be tired of doing the same boring shit with me, day after day.”

“I’m not bored,” she said quickly. “Plus, it’s my job. I’m supposed be helping you—”

“Yeah, okay, but if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go? Somewhere out of the city.” I waved my hand at the black nothing in front of me. “Anywhere but here.”

“I’d go to Vienna, Austria. Or maybe Salzburg. Or both.”

“Why?”

“That’s where Mozart lived and worked. I’d love to see his birthplace and walk the same streets that he did.”

“He’s your favorite composer?”

“To put it mildly. I’m sort of obsessed.”

She laughed lightly but it sounded strained. My shitty mood was wearing on her, I could feel it.

“Is that what you practice with everyday? His music?”

“No, no, that’s Mendelssohn. Do you remember that first time I played for you? When I forgot my violin and came back for it? I played Mozart. For you.”

I clenched my jaw so tightly I thought my back teeth would shatter. No, Charlotte. You should be playing in front of sold-out audiences every night. Not me. Don’t waste your time or talent on me.

“Are you okay?” she asked when I didn’t respond. “Bad day?”

I didn’t answer that. “You’d probably have seen all of Europe by now if you’d pursued your music sooner,” I said tightly. “You’d have seen all of Vienna ten times over.”

“Maybe. I didn’t want to leave Montana. I wasn’t ready, I guess. I don’t think I’d have done so well far away from home. Even coming to Juilliard seemed like the other side of the world. I was a homebody, kind of a dork in school.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” I said, mustering enough lightness to let her know I was teasing.

“Shocking, I know,” she laughed in return. “I wasn’t one of those driven performers who aren’t happy unless they’re on stage. I mean, I love performing, don’t get me wrong. There is no better feeling than being submerged in the music and creating an experience for the audience. But I was happy at home too.”

“You don’t regret it? Even now?”

“No. I got to spend more time with Chris. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.”

Her gentle words, her sweet honesty…they began to soothe me like balm on a burn. I felt the tension in my gut uncoil slightly until something struck a chain link fence right behind us. I didn’t know what hit it, maybe the Frisbee or a ball. But I hadn’t even known there was a fence at all. It made sense, to keep the dogs corralled, but it surprised me in some awful way too.

I got to my feet and carefully made my way around the bench, my hands outstretched until I found the galvanized steel. I curled my fingers between the links, staring at whatever lay beyond.

“Noah?”

“I didn’t know this was here,” I said, my grip tightening until it hurt. I forced myself to let go and said to Charlotte as calmly as I could, “I’d like to go home now.”

*

We walked back to the townhouse in utter silence.

In the foyer, she said, “I’m going out later with friends for drinks, but that’s later. After dinner. I was wondering if you wanted your Friday night takeout or if I could make something for us? I was thinking baked chicken, wild rice…?”