RECLAIM MY HEART(20)

She planted her elbow on the table, pressed her fist to her mouth.
“He probably would have experienced this defiant stage no matter where you raised him.” Lucas rolled the bottom of the bottle against the wood of the tabletop, the foamy beer sloshing against the inside of the glass. “We can’t even say that things would be different had I been in the picture from the beginning.”
She rubbed her fingers against her temple. “Every mother wants a perfect family for her child.”
“There’s no such thing as a perfect family, Tyne. Every person—every parent—has quirks. No one is faultless. No family is perfectly ideal.”
“But maybe if he’d had—”
“Stop.” He paused and spoke her name, and then he waited several long seconds for her to look at him. “You grew up in the supposedly-perfect, nuclear family. One dad. One mom. One daughter.”
“Big house,” she took up the litany, “big yard, and more things than any one little girl ever needed.” She scooted her bottom against the bench. “And I was utterly miserable.”
Lucas left the bottle next to hers so he could lift his leg over the bench to sit closer to her. “I never even met my mother. And my father died when I was really young. I don’t remember a whole lot about him. But I still remember my childhood as being very happy. I’d put my uncle up against any mom and dad team out there.”
Her mouth twisted wryly. “You were lucky.”
The scent of wild roses drifted on the slight evening breeze.
His elbows on the table, Lucas laced his fingers and rested his chin on them. “It’s not about who raises kids, Tyne. I mean, not that I know all that much about it. But logic tells me that what’s more important is that the raising is done with love.”
He knew in the light of day her eyes were a deep, clear blue, but the night turned them navy. Self-doubt shadowed them with vulnerability.
Cabi
“It’s obvious that you love Zach, Tyne. It’s been impossible for me not to see it.” He pressed his lips together, realizing he owed her an apology. “I regret questioning your parenting skills in front of the judge. I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m truly sorry.”
The tension in her expression eased and at last she offered him the smallest of smiles. “Thanks, Lucas. That means a lot. A whole lot.” Instantly, the corners of her mouth turned down. “I’ve spent hours and hours trying to figure out where I’ve gone wrong. I don’t think I’ve been the best mother. It’s worrisome, you know?” She sighed. “I always thought I was on the ball with this parenting thing. I always thought I knew my son, and that I was sharp and quick in all the ways that mattered when you’re raising a child. But I just recognized over the past few days that I’m not all that sharp. And I’m certainly not quick. There have been things going on that I didn’t even know about.”
He lowered his hands into his lap and leaned forward enough so that he could see her face.
Her head tilted and her gaze connected with his. “I’ve just discovered that Zach is angry with me. He’s spitting mad, Lucas. And I haven’t a clue how long he’s felt this way.” She tucked a strand of her long hair behind her ear. “What’s worse is I have no idea why the hell he’s so mad.”
She closed her eyes, her anguish unmistakable. Lucas didn’t know what to do, what to say.
“Talk about being disillusioned.” Her laughter was spiky and sardonic. “I’ve been be-bopping along, as sanctimonious as anybody can be, thinking none of this is my fault. That I’d given him all I could. Offered him all I had. And now I’m realizing that my son has been trying to communicate—” she shook her head “—something. His frustrations, maybe? Some need I didn’t know about? I don’t know. But I completely missed the boat. I didn’t see it. I wasn’t aware. I think he’s angry that I haven’t been there for him. That’s got to be why he’s snapping and snarling at me one minute and then ignoring me the next. He still wasn’t getting my attention, so he went out and found a way to really wake me up. God, Lucas, I’m to blame for all of this.”
“No one person is to blame, Tyne,” he assured her. He was about the say more, but she turned her whole body to face him suddenly.
“Has he said anything? While the two of you have been out shooting and hiking, has he talked about how he’s feeling?” She gave a small frustrated shake of her head and her corn-silk hair rustled around her shoulders, radiant. “About me? About his life?”
Lucas shook his head. “Not really. We’ve spent a little of our time talking, getting to know one another. He told me a little about school. Some of his teachers. He’s mentioned a couple of friends, what he likes to do, places he likes to hang out, that kind of thing. I’ve told him stories from my childhood, mostly. What it was like growing up here. He seemed really interested, and I just thought that was because my teen years were so different from his.” He lifted one shoulder, one hand. “We’re in the beginning stages of this thing. Zach and I need time to build up a little trust.” She looked disappointed and he slid his fingers over her forearm. “Hey, that’s what this month is for, Tyne. Smoothing out the ruffles. Figuring out the problems and finding some answers. We don’t have to solve everything in the first week, you know?”
The stiffness in her narrow shoulders relaxed and she took a deep breath. She picked up her bottle of beer and held the cool glass first to her cheek, then to her forehead. Then she took a sip.