Push(64)

David keeps trying to tell me that it isn’t true. That Thomas isn’t watching me. That it’s all in my head, and I’m just being paranoid. I hate that word. Paranoid. How the hell is it paranoia when I see the motherf*cker standing there watching me? That is not paranoia. That is the truth. I know that David is only trying to help, but, really, the only way he can help me is to make Thomas and his video camera go away. Even when I take my meds, he’s there. He is real. I swear it.
David is standing next to me on the bridge, holding my hand. He made me take a walk with him tonight. He said he wanted to help me clear my head and to show me that Thomas is not following me. Not following us. But Thomas is here. I can feel him. I don’t mention it to David, though, because he won’t believe me. He never does. Even the girls at work don’t believe me. Only Thomas knows it’s the truth.
David is a good guy. A really good guy. His structure and order has turned out to be the perfect counterpoint to my mental disarray. We have been living together for almost two months now. He moved in right after my last hospital stay. It was such a f*cking joke that time. I didn’t take those pills to kill myself; I took them to prove to David—and everyone else—that Thomas was watching me, because he would call an ambulance if he saw me do it. It failed, though, because they told David that I was the one who made the call even before I took the pills. Which is impossible, of course. Thomas must have had some woman call in for him. He knew he’d be busted. I didn’t think he was that smart.
When David moved in, I taped cardboard over all the windows to shut Thomas out of our lives. It worked for a little while, but then one day, David saw him, too. He saw the video camera set up in Thomas’s window, aimed right at our window. He went straight to the police and managed to get Thomas evicted. The police found videos of me—before I put up the cardboard—in Thomas’s house, so don’t tell me he isn’t still watching me. He’s a f*cking pervert. I should have gotten a restraining order or pressed charges when I had the chance. I regret that I didn’t.
David says that Thomas isn’t even in New Orleans anymore and that he wants me to relax about the whole thing. But I can’t. I know David is just saying those things because he wants to protect me. He has always wanted to protect me, from Thomas and from myself. He was that way right from the beginning. David was refurbishing Dr. Schreiber’s office, and we just started talking in the waiting room before my appointment. I gave him my number when I left. I never do that kind of stuff, but I’m glad that I did. He called me a few days later to ask me how I was. We talked on the phone five or six times before I agreed to have coffee with him. I told him right out the gate that I am wack—that I have “issues.” He said he figured as much, seeing as how we met at my therapist’s office. But it turns out that he has issues of his own. He didn’t tell me about them at first, but after we were dating for a while, he told me that when he was finished with the remodel, he started seeing Dr. Schreiber, too. David has a messed-up, disheveled past, and his last girlfriend, Jenny, took shit to a whole new level and messed him up pretty bad.
Jenny was a junkie. When she died, she was in it pretty deep with her dealer. Like for tens of thousands of dollars. She started selling for him to pay off her debt—and as a way to score her next fix. She never caught up, though, and tried to drag David into it, as well. She wound up dealing out of the tattoo parlor where she worked, selling pills and dope and shit to anyone who would buy. And then she got some bad stuff and sold it to some crackhead who went crazy and pounded her with a rock or something. He dumped her body in the river. Jenny and David had broken up weeks before that, he told me, over the fact that he refused to help her deal with the mess. And because he was tired of her always being strung out.
David says he talks to Dr. Schreiber about how he feels responsible for Jenny’s death because he refused to help her. When the police came to him after Jenny’s body was found, David was the one who had to tell Jenny’s family that she was a user, and he had to tell the cops about everything. About her habit, about her arrangement with the dealer, about how she was selling from the tattoo shop, and about how he had refused to help her out of the situation.
The trail of shit Jenny left in her wake was pretty incredible. The owners of the tattoo parlor had to shut it down, even though they hadn’t known what was going on. And, worse still, the district attorney didn’t have enough evidence to press charges against the crackhead, so he walked, denying it up and down the entire time. Yes, he bought drugs from Jenny, he said. But he didn’t kill her.
So David has been stuck with Jenny on his conscience, and Dr. Schreiber has been helping him sort it all out. I think things are better for David now, though I know he worries about me. I wish he didn’t have to. I wish I could prove to him that I am not being paranoid.
David squeezes my hand, and we stand together looking out over the water. The traffic is whizzing by, and even though it is dark, I can feel Thomas watching us. I don’t say anything to David, though, because I am supposed to be clearing my head. I am supposed to not be thinking about Thomas.
We are both quiet for a long time, but then David takes a deep breath and tells me he knows how to make Thomas go away. He knows how to fix this. He sounds sad as he says it, but the conviction in his voice makes it sound like a pledge. As if he’s promising something that he is sure he can deliver. I tell him there is no way he can make this better because he doesn’t even believe me. He doesn’t even think Thomas is real anymore. I let go of David’s hand because right now, despite his vow to fix this, I don’t want him to be here. David thinks he understands, or rather he thinks he’s trying to understand, but how could he? How could he know what it feels like to have someone watching your every move, every hour of every day? How could he even begin to understand what this feels like? How does he think he is going to fix things for me?